lil-bee: the randomizer

Tuesday, May 31, 2011 | 2:18 pm | Comment ⇢
1. So aforementioned friend apparently broke up with his girlfriend. Okay all good, because I think thats what they needed. Than he goes on about how he needs to get screwed. Okay, be safe I suppose? I don't know what else I was meant to say ... :S also, found it a bit weird that he bounced back after being in such a bad place. He also keeps mentioning that he really needs someone. I'm like okay. Thinking to myself that someone isn't me .. that someone will never ever be me. After a while he again asks me to come over. WTF, what part of NO doesn't he understand?! I said no again, obviously .. and tried to explain that being with her or not wouldn't change my decision. I haven't been waiting for me or anything -.- sheesh such a ponce!

2. The other arse prat that I said I'd elaborate later on? The one who was a total twat to me, and than sort of something happened and I totally gained power back? Well I think he understood the shift in dynamics and him losing .. so now he refuses to speak to me. Haha, how pathetic :D I'm still going to be polite, but if he thinks it bothers me .. well .. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

That is all. Muchos lurve, as always xx

PS - I AM NOT MALAYSIAN, NOR DO I UNDERSTAND MALAY. So stop with the spamming kthnkxbai.

Dragged Around
Monday, May 30, 2011 | 5:30 pm | Comment ⇢
My friend is sort of really pissing me off. I'd like to think that I'm a nice person, who is there for other people. But this dude, well we were speaking like normal, except I guess he got more comfortable with me in the last few months, and we speak more. A lot of the time, he bitches about his girlfriend. Not in a oh she's ugly and/or fat way, but in a we're not happy with each other, we hate each other, she makes me sad, don't let her find out we speak sort of way ..

And first of all, WTH?! Okay am I wrong to think that he is totally dragging me into somewhere I clearly don't belong in? I think he's being kind of selfish by putting my in an awkward position.

Okay, so I don't know his girlfriend but all this time, from what I've heard about her from him, he's painted a very negative picture of her. And I was on his side (sort of) at the start. I mean I always said to be open to her, and if both of them are unhappy than just to break things off .. and he told me they both need each other financially, etc. I tried not have an opinion about her, because of course I'm only getting one side of the story. But nevertheless, I didn't think of her too kindly, but moreover I was getting annoyed at my friend for going through this shit, when they should just go their separate ways if things are so bad.

I also told him that I'm here for him, but that I really shouldn't get involved in between them. I also asked him why he wanted to hide our friendship from her, because from my point of view, we weren't really doing anything wrong. But I guess by speaking about his relationship with someone other than his girlfriend, he was bringing a third person in, and he was cheating his trust by telling me things. Things he needed to discuss with her.

He made it out that she was the typical jealous girlfriend, who didn't see anything wrong with having close male friends that she went out with, but would get psycho if he had any female friends. I think thats pretty hypocritical. But right now, I just feel like, two wrongs don't make a right. If she is being that way (and I don't really have a way to confirm this), that does not mean that he should go around doing the same things. Because what is the difference between them?

While this was going on, he would continue to flirt with me. Now like I said, I just have a jokey nature, which I recently found out I inherited from my dad. Its just how we communicate. Yes, it means people misunderstand us. But really, once you know us, you should know how we interact with people, and not read into it. I've been completely open about who I am (anti-relationship, etc) and when he'd go over the line, I'd always tell him to back off. Not in a hostile way, but in a joking way, because I didn't want to make mountains out of molehills or make the situation uncomfortable.

Anyway, so recently someone close to him died. I felt really bad, because obviously he was in a bad place, with the relationship and now also this. Before this happened, we had a conversation and I told him in a serious manner to just stop talking to me about his relationship, and flirting with me, because it wasn't right and just to take some space.

Over emails, he told me that the person close to him died, and that he didn't have any friends or anything and feels all alone. And how his girlfriend gave him a hug, and than went out according to her earlier plans. He just sounded really bad, and of course I was worried, so I spoke to him, tried to cheer him up and told him I'd pray for him. Towards the end, he sort of sounded a bit better, and than jokingly made a flirty comment about how I should come over. I let is slide, and said goodbye and to take care.

Anyway, I felt really bad that his girlfriend would just leave him like that. And the next day, she seemed completely normal when she was talking to people, like nothing was wrong. It sort of made me think, that no matter what they feel about each other, there is a thing called humanity? She should have been there for him right?

And than I thought ... he must have done something for her to hate him this much? But either way, how can someone act like that at the face of death? So than I thought .. what if he lied? Okay, I'm being totally vain and paranoid, thinking he would make up something like that. But .. well guys are arseholes aren't they? And how convenient that this happened shortly after I told him that we need some space?

Ugh. I'm just so so frustrated and pissed off. Because he said that he spoke about how bad things are with her, and she said she isn't buying into his shit, and that she didn't feel guilty for leaving him that day. And I'm like .. okay, if things are this bad, they really should part their ways. So they are financially dependent, but that doesn't mean they have to be in a relationship where they can't even stand each other?

Now I just feel like I can't even trust him. And he's put me in a bad situation, where of course I feel bad for him, and feel like as his friend I should be there for him. But theres only so much I can do. And shouldn't she be doing this for him?

Ughhhh. I just feel like I'm being dragged around in their bullshit. I really don't know what to do. How do you console someone in those situations anyway? And it feels like (from his recent messages) that its less about who he lost, and more about how shit he feels and how shit she is treating him.

I hate when my guy friends push the friendship forcefully to be a little bit more, even slightly. When they know where I stand about these things.

HELP! I just don't know what to do .. I don't want to say anything without any real proof, or say something to him when he might actually be in a really bad place. But I also can't handle being dragged in between them anymore.

I guess men and women really just can't be friends.

Internal Fight
| 4:57 pm | Comment ⇢
So, and I know its sort of minor, but I was in a predicament earlier, about going to a party. Or not. And there was some kind of internal battle going on with myself. I don't really want to get into details, but I prayed .. and really thought about it. And .. decided not to go :)

Whats a little bit of pleasure forgone in this world, compared to an eternity in paradise right? And even though my intentions were in the right place and all, I just felt that after everything I've been blessed with, nothing I do will be enough to show my thanks .. so starting small, but taking steps towards a greater betterment.

I think there will be instances when I stumble and go off course, but little detours really shouldn't take from the greater picture. I'll fall but I gotta pick myself up and start again and again and again. Kind of like that spider we've read about, who kept going on and on trying to weave its web, regardless of how many times it failed. Eventually, we'll be successful inshAllah.

Muchos lurve x

Sunday, May 29, 2011 | 4:47 pm | Comment ⇢
Moi: "I fancy myself".

G: "Is it because no one else will?"

Pfft. n00b.

Culture and Religion
| 4:29 pm | Comment ⇢
The lines are blurred. And I don't think its always a good thing.

More on this in a bit .. I've gotta get off my arse and go study!

PS - I'm hoping after exams, I'll come back and edit these posts for the full story. After my little outburst on twitter and here about getting the power back from aforementioned arse-hole .. seems that a lot of people are very very curious :P you silly gossips, its no one you know :D actually, I only told two people about him, and they know everything .. so yeah, its no one you know! :)

The good in the bad
| 3:59 pm | Comment ⇢
So I'm so happy that LJ started his silly little games from the start, because it really really put me off him .. and thats a GREAT thing. Because I shouldn't be on silly little twats in the first place. And he doesn't deserve me because I'm SO MUCH MORE BETTER!

Yeah, I'm a cocky bastard. And I love it :D

Also, how un-Islamic to get with an LJ?! How un-Islamic to get with anyone though .. I'm so glad I've got H in my life to guide me .. cos I think her goodness is rubbing off on me :D

Which brings me to my next point .. some of my friends, not my close ones, but the other ones .. are getting a bit uncomfortable around me with my new found spirituality.

Can I just say .. I'm EXACTLY the same person. I'm just trying to make some changes here and there in regards to what I do, or don't do. It doesn't mean I'm judging you. It doesn't mean you have to be scared about talking to me how we used to. It doesn't mean a thing. My religion is a personal and private thing. It doesn't concern you .. so seriously stop acting weird! :(

I guess when I'm happily gushing about being spiritual, I'm just happy with myself. It doesn't mean I'm looking down on you .. because really, thats just completely un-Islamic if I did.

Idk. I guess I'm just sad that people are perceiving me in that way. I am who I am. But I guess if are uncomfortable, you didn't really know me as well as you should have, being my friend. And its also a bit annoying that my guy 'friends' are all oh your boring. What, were you only friends with me in the hopes of scoring in my pants one day?!

Tschh. >.>

Holy Guacamole
| 3:14 pm | Comment ⇢
I swear, I've posted three times today, so I'm done for yesterday, today, and tomorrow!

Anyway, so because I'm such an immature oldie, I end up having loads of younger friends, and than I don't realize how old I am, till you talk numbers. Like recently, this friend of mine got all charming and flirty, and I was like hahaha stop it kid. And than I found out how much more older I am .. 7 fricking years?! Jail-bait much?!

And no, I don't fancy him. And I haven't done anything stupid or jail-time worthy. But still .. WOW I'm old.

Off another tangent, I'm trying to convince my mum to take care of me till 2014 because I don't want to get married before I finish my masters .. and I don't really think its auspicious to marry in the year 2013. She keeps laughing in my face when I tell her to give me time, and I have to keep reminding her not to be a hypocrite because she didn't get married till 26, half way through her PhD. But eh, whatever is in my fate. Maybe I'll end up getting married in a year, who knows?!

Tangent 3 is .. about my summer plans. Okay not all of it, but one thing I really really want to do it super organize from scratch my room and also give it a paint make over! I want to have bright and funky colors, and yes I said colors because I want a feature wall ... lets do this!

Tangent 4 (the final hurdle) is about releasing my creative outlet. I'm going to hopefully get some videos which I've been meaning (and asked) to do for a long long time. And I also need to concentrate on improving my photography and going on random photograph trips through London.

And that is all. For now. Because I should really go pray, and than watch some trash TV before my mum comes back :D

Auf weidersehen!

God Damn Tech
| 3:11 pm | Comment ⇢
Don't you just hate when you spend ages typing something up and than your stupid computer says opps error. And your like nooooooo .. but thankfully I didn't lose my post. Hurray :D

Also, kids kids kids. Its nice that new people are discovering my blog (thought now I feel like I need to filter .. I probably won't .. you have been warned) but seriously, I can't discover you back unless you leave me an address!

<- people on the tag board. No, I don't want to to increase traffic in the highway of my life. Please stop spamming. And stop leaving me comments in Malay. I don't speak it! And how will I check your website out, if you don't leave a link?! I'm not psychic ...

| 2:52 pm | Comment ⇢
Okay okay, so I forgot to blog yesterday. Cry me a river o.O lol .. okay its not totally true, I remembered while sitting in front of my computer, doing what I don't remember. And I was feeling disgustingly sleepy, and I thought I'd post something just to say .. hey I'm alive. In case you thought I died, in like a day?

Anyhow. Whats done is done is done.

I must be really stressing out with my exams, because my face looks like a connect the dots board game. And alhamdullilah, I don't really get spots. I'm hoping this means I've filled in my quota for the year, and I'll be spot free for the rest of the year (lol lol, as if ..)

So getting back on topic. I'm sort of in a predicament about the end of year party at my university. See, I HATE clubbing. Seriously seriously hate it. Don't get me wrong, I almost always lock myself inside my room, blast the music and dance away, but clubs are usually full of weirdo men and crazy-aggressive women drunks .. and its just not my scene.

But I'm a social butterfly, and I've sort of been in a cocoon this whole year, so I've barely seen anyone. And end of year parties are nice, just to see everyone and take photographs to plaster all over facebook so my ex thinks I have a life (haha, joke. I would never have my ex on FB o.O).

And last year we had so much fun at the party. Like, just so many memories to look back at and go awe. And this is our age to get those memories right? My close group, we usually go to someone's flat and get ready in a sort of pre-party ritual. Than we go to the party. Jam with each other, see our other friends, take photographs, general memory banking stuff. Than we come back to said flat and jam till the first trains, and make some more memories.

I don't usually go out during the year. Well not to all these club type events. But I make an exception at the EOYP (end of year party) ... BUT, well .. I'm not a huge fan of clubs. The only reason why EOYP is tempting is because I get to see all my friends. That being said, in my recent move to become more spiritual, I don't think I should go. See, thats my predicament, because I really want to go, but I really don't want to go. And I've gained a lot of weight (and spots) during exam season, so that gives me more reasons not to go.

But, and I truly believe this, and told my parents so too .. even if I go, I know I won't do anything 'bad' i.e unIslamic. Okay okay, so clubbing an all that is totally haram, but relativity. I know I don't have any bad haram intentions of drinking / getting with guys, etc. I'll be with my girls. And Idk. See I'm like a yo-yo.

Maybe I'll go. Maybe I won't. Maybe I'll just go to the pre-party and than just come home and have a marathon so I don't keep thinking that I'm missing out. Or go to sleep. Or pray. We'll see ...

I still have an exam to take care of, and afterwards I'll go on a detox diet and maybe lose my extra S&P (spots and pounds).

PS - how AMAZING was the Barcelona vs. Man.Utd final?! Messi is such an adorable and lovable dork :D

Muchos lurve x

Seducing me to sleep with him
Friday, May 27, 2011 | 10:26 pm | Comment ⇢
My bed <3

Haha. Omg, so I'm waiting for Isha prayers before I finally go to sleep .. seriously my bed is like a stranger to me and I'm getting a bit excited that I'm finally giving in to his advances after two whole days (I last slept on the 25th of May). Seriously, specially around 4 am, he does this come hither look .. only I know how I've controlled myself.

Okay okay, so I 'napped' for an hour or so. But c'mon now, I know I bring this upon myself with the whole last minute crap but this will be a long long night haha :D

See, how I've still not forgotten you? Anyway, I'm slowly rediscovering my love for writing (crap lol).

Also, this lack of sleep makes me act and feel proper drunk. I think I may have mentioned this before, but I go into full on hyper-activity / high. I was severely embarrassing my friend with my antics earlier today :D bless her, she was so blushing, because people kept looking over :D

My take .. who cares?! Its not like I know these people, or they know me .. so it doesn't matter what they think!

Anyway, I asked her if I act / feel this way due to the lack of oxygen going to my head .. and she said its because after all that stress (I have THE worst pre-exam jitters in this world. Okay after my cousin, who apparently throws up because of his nervousness, tschh) I have this adrenaline rush and also relief after the end of the exam and so this translates to a feeling of uncontrollable high. I think she's right. There goes my ideas of staying up all night and than going clubbing the next night to generate drunken feelings of not-bothered and intense fun having?!

Two things:

1. While waiting in queue at Yo Sushi, my friend was telling me how I'm drunk and drugged. So I loudly exclaimed in my hyper-activity .. OMG like double D! I honestly did not realize what I had said. Seriously, I guess I'm just this bad with all my innuendos that even when not trying, thats all that ever comes out o.O

2. So I think I'm a generally nice, giggly, smiley person. Not usually when I'm on my own - I have that solitary lone wolf pissed off look down pretty well ;) I think .. but anyway so on the train today, I had my eyes closed and head leaned against the wall when I remembered something funny and got like a HUGE grin on my face. And my grins are really noticeable. Because my cheeks pop out like some hamster eating cookies (yes, really). So anyway I opened my eyes and found this woman standing near me (I was sitting down) giving me the most dirtiest looks ever. WOW, bitch much. Yeah I'm happy .. so?!

Anyway .. ah my friend kept saying to me: "you're getting niceeeely checked out" .. and its not just what she said, but the way she said it. I dunno, I can't explain it, but its such a H thing to say. Aww I love her :D and in reply, being the cocky prick that I am .. I said: "I have so many people checking me out that I've stopped noticing" .. followed by "Astagfirullah" hahaha :D except than she said: "whatever you know you love it". I guess my blushing / popping (I swear my cheeks are replacing the whole popping and locking dance genre -.- ) gave me away.

But love it or not, I do tend to notice when people are blatantly checking me out, like today .. and there were lots of them. And unfortunately, when I'm not feeling good, this makes me uncomfortable. Like today, I had CRAZY hair and shit skin / face and clothes. Um hello, its exam time. So I kept thinking what, is something wrong with my face?!

Man, I guess I'm just THAT hot ;) or all that crazy hair, clothes and hyper-activeness just activated people's survival instincts and they looked at me warily as the crazy hysterical freak. Oh well :D

And its finally time for Isha! I'm going to go pray .. and than sleepy sleep with my sexy sexy bed :D I love you Ikea :P hope you guys enjoy this post / it makes sense .. at my current DD state, I don't quite know if it will :O

Muchos lurve x

Ask and ye shall receive..
| 12:18 am | Comment ⇢
Maybe. If its in your fate. And for your good. Or something.

Anyway so I haven't forgotten about my daily post. See how dedicated I am (to procrastination)?!

So today's exam had a miracle. Actual miracle. I was sitting there thinking MASHALLAH. Just .. I'll explain after exams (or after the one tomorrow) .. I hope!

But as it stands, I'm attempting a double date all nighter. Because I haven't 'slept' since I woke up at 11 am on the 25th of May, 2011. I had an exam yesterday. And one day (since its already 12 am, 27th May!). I came home, ate food and 'slept' for an hour from 10 pm till 11:30 pm though, so I feel slightly refreshed. And the exam tomorrow is slightly smaller (2 instead of 3 hours / essays) .. so hopefully I can pray, write up notes and take a nap before the exam (again in the afternoon).

Things have been put into perspective though .. sort of. I don't know. I love Allah :D

Muchos lurve x

State of Mind
Wednesday, May 25, 2011 | 3:17 pm | Comment ⇢

Happy to be free from the chains of self-doubt G strangled me with. With freedom comes the realization that I AM better, for myself. Better than these men think they can treat me.

Maybe its a good thing. Maybe its a bad thing. But now I'm being a bitch to every guy who goes even slightly out of line with a mere frizz sticking out.

But I've had it playing miss nice girl. Really really really have had it. So when you tell me to just shut up and do it, I'll say no. And tell you to take your dicked up douchbaggery to someone who gives a toss. Because that someone isn't me.

Aww are you on your period. Nope. I'm just being a bitch. I know what I want and how I want it. So spare me the aww your hormonal bullshit and condescendence.

When you message me out of the blue, sounding frantic and what not. I'll ignore it. Because I am not here to make you feel better or to be of use.

When you say you miss me, I'll just say lol.

Because I just don't care. Because I'm done with caring about twats who don't care. Don't play hide and seek, run and chase. Don't play. I'm not a kid. I don't play. I won't play.

So when you wait months before messaging me with a miss you. Or two weeks just to come out with random absurd crap, without even saying hey and how are you. I'm going to be every bit as selfish as you and not reply back.

Oh, dominoes effect. One guy -> me being a bitch to every guy. But you know what, its time for change. And I want to stay like this for a while.

| 1:10 am | Comment ⇢
I am going to blog about getting the power back after a 'break up'. Well its not going to be a tutorial for other broken hearted out there, but just a note to self that I need to talk about something that recently happened (good) after which I'm in a MUCH much better place, spiritually and mentally :)

I think part of me is being extretely bitchy .. but I did what needed to be done for myself.

Also, I have an exam tomorrow (since its 1 am 25th of May now) and I really don't want to do the last minute thing again, even thought I haven't started revision yet. Yikes. I hope to finish writing an essay / reading old notes before sleeping today after praying iA .. but knowing me .. o.O

Hey, at least they aren't morning exams :O

Muchos lurve x

How easily you break
| 1:07 am | Comment ⇢
Oh dreams. Why so fragile?

Apparently the Nook is not available internationally (yet) :(

But fear not breaker, I'm optimistic as ever. Like I said, I'm still going to wait till mid 2011 / end of 2011 to see what happens to the price of these things (including the Flyer, which I'd so buy if it was cheaper), rooting capabilities, and of course a possible Amazon tablet .. which is rumoured to be out end of 2011 .. and will have tablet capabilities WITH e-ink. Or so they say.

So as fast as I got happy, so did the low come. But eh eh eh, I can wait :)

Guilty Pleasure
Tuesday, May 24, 2011 | 6:06 pm | Comment ⇢
For most girls, its shoes or handbags or makeup.

Don't get me wrong, I've got 50+ pairs and once felt like a pair was calling out to me, compelling me to buy them. Same with handbags. And I'm somewhat of a make-up addict.

But my worst guilty pleasure? GADGETS. Yup, I'm a total tech-geek. A gadget addict. I'm always on the lookout for the latest phone, tablet, netbook, laptop, desktop, etc etc .. and when I see one I like, I go a little bit crazy.

My latest obsession for the past few months has been getting an Android tablet, more specifically the HTC Flyer and believe me, if it was cheaper, I'd jump up and sell my soul for it. Okay, no .. if it was cheaper, I wouldn't need to sell anything.

But hey, I'm Asian. And an economist. So I need to budget myself .. and in comes the next new thing. And its awesome. And CHEAP!

I read a lot of books. And I don't have any space left for them :( and some of them are kind of embarrassing. So what I've been CRAVING to do is:

1. Sell off all my paper books
2. Buy them as e-books
3. Not make a loss.

Now I'm aware that some books will never go digital. And I'm okay to have my fill of new-book-smell by going to a local store. But the problem is, I haven't been able to find a nice place to sell my books. Most of them are in perfect condition (because I'm OCD like that), but its just hard selling books :(

Amazon (where I buy almost all my books from) has a trade-in program, I wish this extended to books so that I could trade mine in for kindle credits. Ah if only.

However, some wishes do come true. I wanted a tablet that would be predominantly used as an e-reader but had tablet capabilities too. This meant using e-ink, being small and light but also having enough pow to run well as a tablet. And I wanted this cheap. I wished that HTC would take over / get inspiration from the Notion Ink Adam, downsize the size, while upgrading the hardware / software and sell for cheap.

And than Mashable tweeted something that was dream come true. And while its no Flyer, the new Nook from B&N looks pretty fricking awesome. Now just to wait till I can get it off someone state side .. and to see if this Android Reader gets rooted to a tablet, like its ancestor .. while retaining the e-ink technology. Long shot, but hey the people at XDA can do anything they want ;)

That being said, maybe I'll hold on till a possible Amazon tablet release .. because hey, its better to get a tablet thats an e-reader, than an e-reader tablet, thats not really a tablet.

Guilty pleasure / obsession? Oh yes. But hey, means the hubby can play with my toys too (unlike the case with jewellery - FYI, I totally don't like em) ;)

New trees
Monday, May 23, 2011 | 7:24 pm | Comment ⇢
Is it bad that I'm flirting back with the lesbian that is flirting with me, even though I don't bark up that tree or play for her team?

Maybe I'm just benching ;)

Anyway, I don't think there is any harm in a little bit of flirting. Its just a way of communicating with people, a fun way. Sure there is a line that shouldn't be crossed, but its nice to a certain extent.

I'm just a super flirty person. Its just who I am. Its how I communicate. I don't even realize I'm flirting till an angry boy or responsible friend takes me to the side and explains that teasing people all smiling and giggling = flirting.

Oh well, they way I see it I'm not harming anyone. Except that one time when I accidentally flirted with my boy's sort of friend and he pulled me to the side and slapped me.

LOL JOKE. He just gave me a pained look, because I am that much of a clueless idiot :P .. coincidentally, he doesn't really hang out with that friend anymore. Opps.

PS - you will be shocked to know that to date, I haven't been able to flirt with people I like. Ever. I guess its because I'm aware of my feelings, and actually trying to flirt, whereas other times I just flirt naturally / subconsciously? Leads to a lot of AWKWARD and frustrating moments in life.

I want to scratch my face off
Sunday, May 22, 2011 | 3:50 pm | Comment ⇢
Thanks for that pollen. Really.

But I'm just so glad that it came relatively late this year and its less worse than last year. I'm going to keep off my hay fever medicine for as long as I can, keep up the immune system and all.

Also, my last three exams are in the afternoon :D yay sleep <3

Saturday, May 21, 2011 | 11:09 pm | Comment ⇢
I have the weirdest dreams ever. Always have, always will. But a lot of my dreams seem to have meanings behind them. Like when I was a kid especially, I'd always have deja vu dreams where I'd see something and have that happen in real life. Not exactly but similar / feelings of deja vu. Or I'd have dreams with weird hidden messages which I didn't understand till some conscious event shed further light.

Anyway the reason why I'm saying this is because I had a weird dream last night and got some news relating to it today :) my uncle and aunt are having a baby girl :D I'm so happy for them! I can't wait to meet her!

PS - see how I'm trying to blog every day? You lucky guys you ;)

Pssst .. nice to see you are still here Alz :)

Muchos Lurve x

Friday, May 20, 2011 | 9:56 pm | Comment ⇢

God is great. I cried to Him last night to save me and he did :D

And now I have two more exams coming up in a week, and I really hope I don't end up procrastinating again .. because yesterday was really really bad. -.-

The Dating Game
Thursday, May 19, 2011 | 11:22 pm | Comment ⇢
Its a game, its a game, the dating game. And if you want to stay, than you gotta play.

Screw players. But its gotta be done. Tsch.

I for one don't care if I'm being my fabulous self and a guy is too wrapped up in playing games to enjoy his win (of my fabulous time and affections). But now that I'm forced to think in the long term, I've got to play!

Repeat Rinse
| 8:10 pm | Comment ⇢
Nope, not the settings on my washing machine. Instead, the story of my life. This time in particular, applied to my exams and revision, or lack thereof.

I was speaking to a friend about this, about how we always do everything last minute (yup really) and how we say to ourselves that we WILL change for the next exam, year, etc. But it just doesn't happen. Like last week, again I have an exam tomorrow morning and I haven't even touched my revision yet. I'm extremely blessed that God is usually by my side, but I'm thinking my antics will mean that this luck and blessing will soon run out. What then?

*random note .. never got the difference between then and than -.- anyhow*

I should revise. Even now its not too late. But I know I will probably end up repeating what I've done last week, and over the years. Stay up all night, not sleep before the exam, try and push everything at the same time, and hope for the best and for my luck to play out.

Last week, I remember slapping myself with cold water and my palms (to wake myself up) again and again before the exam. I felt disgusting and nauseated and my feet and hands were drenched with sweat (I'm so sexy haha) .. and again I sit here and update my blog about my failures in life, instead of actually revising.

My friend sent me this link about procrastination and I found it really interesting, but not enough to kick my self and get out of the habit. Well, thats the thing. As me and my friend were discussing earlier, this has just been how we revise. Since our GCSEs. Maybe its the whole luck thing getting to my head, making me think that hey, I can manage with a days worth of 'revision'. Maybe the adrenaline pushes my brain to absorb more and chunder all over my exams. Maybe because I've JUST learned everything, I can easily remember.

BUT .. I think its because I'm a lazy SOB and thinking about it, I feel like the less time I spent, the better. Well not really, but thats the psychology behind it. I know I need to do this, that and which for a good grade. My planning is impeccable. But when it comes to execution, I always fall short. I kept telling myself that hey I'll start tomorrow, and delayed this for a whole week and more. And now when I have NOTHING to do, no option but to study, than I do my revision. Pressure or what?

Its stupid, its dangerous. But its also a vicious repeat rinse cycle that I just can't break out of. I hate myself :(

The thing is
Wednesday, May 18, 2011 | 10:02 pm | Comment ⇢
Its all bullshit. No really, seriously. Thats all it is. Thats all things ever are these days. Nope, no ranting angry blog post. Being totally serious.

What you need to learn is the art of bullshitting. Because thats what it is, an art. A way of life, a way to survive. Learn learn learn and you will be successful.

Little tidbits of information, all interlinked. Understanding is important. You need that to bullshit articulately. And thats what it all comes down to, doesn't it?

Pfft. Exams. :(

A little shout out
Tuesday, May 17, 2011 | 4:47 pm | Comment ⇢
To all the people who read my blog! I hope I manage to entertain you for the minute or so it takes to read my posts :)

And for the readers who have stuck with me for 3 years and some more months .. thank you! And you must be besides yourself with the regular updating thats been happening :D

*pssst .. don't get used to it ;)*

Being Happy
| 4:43 pm | Comment ⇢
Its pretty easy isn't it? Find joy from the smallest things, and smile and laugh and live and enjoy life.

Smile because the sun is shining down on your face, or because the bus driver waited 30 seconds for you to run and catch it. Smile because you can and should :)

I think its really easy to find pain and sorrow in everyday life, and yeah okay maybe your life sucks, but finding happiness, it may be 'hard' but look at the little things and you'll soon find happiness in every corner :D

Haha sorry, I went all hippie like .. maybe because its good to be happy, maybe because we should do this, or maybe its because I got new heels (4.5 inches!) and while breaking them in, my blood rushed to my feet and made me light headed ;)

Does it matter? The message still stands!

Love and War
Monday, May 16, 2011 | 8:11 pm | Comment ⇢
Alls fair? Really?

Anyway, I've got an amazingly high pitched voice, the kind that really hurts people's ears. So I'm going to use it to my advantage during arguments and shriek till they shut up .. which is usually in about a minute :D

Hey, alls fair in love and war ;)

Ouch :(
Sunday, May 15, 2011 | 10:27 pm | Comment ⇢
Okay, so I always get migraines and used to get headaches like ALL the time. But I haven't had one for AGES till I took a 2.5 hours HOT bath earlier today and now my head feels like its going to explode :(

Ouch ouch ouch :( I don't remember it being this bad, I'm also feeling nauseous :(

I guess when you go without pain for a while, or to restate, the longer you go without being in pain / getting hurt, the worse it gets when you do get hurt.

Means yay for bad boys?

Anyway, I'm gonna head off, grab some Kool Aid for the head and pop in some paracetamol.

But before I leave, check out these two GREAT (and very very addicting) reads vis-a-vis Middle Eastern drama:

Desperate in Dubai ( <- its coming out as a book soon, so you'll be hooked and left wanting more cos she's stopped updating her blog) .. after which you should check out ..

The Jacaranda Secret ( <- another awesome read, the story is almost finished so you won't be left desperate for more .. haha geddit???)

I'm awesome :D

Ciao bellas, I'm popping bottles in the ice .. like a blizzard ;)

Muchos Lurve x

PS - remember to read them from the start, and hit me up in the comments with any another blog stories / books / novels, etc .. I love reading and am on the lookout for new stuff :D

| 12:45 am | Comment ⇢
Sorry about that little (!!!) outburst of political and economic thought in the post below. This is a warning post so that you may ignore the post if you are so inclined :)

The thing with change ..
| 12:23 am | Comment ⇢
I remembered what I wanted to talk about!

Few days ago I was waiting around at university for a friend when all of a sudden this girl from few of my courses went past. I don't really know her name and I doubt she knows mine, but we always smile at each other when passing by and sometimes extend to hellos and how-are-yous if we have time. Anyway so as I was alone and sitting down, she came over and we ended up having a conversation about random things while she smoked her fag. By the time she finished, we ended up moving onto a heated (get it? :P) topic about change, conflict and the recent events at the Middle East.

Before I proceed, my university is just amazing. Its like marmite, you either love it or you hate it. Its very left wing, i.e liberal, and tends to be pro-Middle East. Me and my classmate do a subject where we've been exposed to conflicts, Marxism, capitalism and change so it was interesting to talk about it, especially since our views were somewhat controversial (relative to the general uni consensus anyway). To summarize it in one sentence:

Change is impossible.

Well okay, we didn't quite come to that conclusion, but thats the general gist of it. In Egypt, people protested and got rid of their leader and gained freedom. Yay. Same thing is happening in Libya and Syria and possibly will move on to other countries in the future. But what has really changed?

Egypt got rid of Hosni Mubarak, but has anything really changed? Their institutions are still the same as is the structure of the society. Laws, police, everything is still essentially being run by Mubarak's government, regardless of whether he is there leading them. His ideas have been embedded into society, and (this is very Marxist of me) to be truly free, Egyptians would need to overhaul the entire system.

Its like the recent strikes in the UK. The student occupations, the teachers protest, London Tube going on strike. People are not happy, and they want change to happen. And while I understand the viewpoint of the different groups, change will not happen. Unless we ALL, every single one of us, go on a mass revolution (à la Marx) and fight the system. Thats the only way we can make any real impact, power in unity and all. But is this feasible?

We're going through a recession. Labour can't afford to go on strikes for months. Students can't afford to miss lessons and go on an occupation to stress their views. When the tube goes on strike on the 20th of May, I won't think about why its importance or supporting it. I will be thinking about how much of a hassle it is for me.

Unfortunately, people only think about themselves. This is a natural economic reaction to maximize utility. So how can we unite? I don't think it is possible unless the masses are left with nothing to lose and everything to gain. But will that ever happen? More importantly, I don't think I want the world to go to a stage of inequality where a very select few have power and everyone else has nothing. The world has a hierarchy and people will always resist change when they have even a tiny ounce of power and wealth to lose.

But hey, its a start right? Maybe the world will never change, but some change is better than nothing, and actions are stronger than words. So I'll keep my Marxist ideas in my end and continue living in a capitalist world, enjoying my consumerist lifestyle. Who knows, maybe the future holds a Marxian capitalism, waiting to be taken on by developmental governments who care more about the people than re-election?

Mumbo Jumbo
| 12:21 am | Comment ⇢
Bleh about the last post. I don't really know what I was trying to say but I think I know what I mean. Do you?! Lol .. yeah everythings just jumbled up because I came on to post about two things, and now I've forgotten .. all because I wasted so much time trying to sort out the template changes :(

*le sigh*

Alterered or broken?
| 12:09 am | Comment ⇢
So I was reading this post on a blog I follow and it was talking about how people's stories change with them as time goes on and it got me thinking ..

I always think back to my ex and regret the things I've said and done and felt. I think about people I mingled with after said ex and things that annoy me about them. And than I realized, I've changed. Is it for the good or for the bad? Was it an inevitable part of growing up or have I been broken?

Recently I've been thinking about dating and games that people play. And I've found myself shaking my head in distaste, because I'd much rather be open and honest than go around in circles like I'm still in secondary school. I don't think I've completely broken to wanting to talk about feelings and what not (thankfully) but I've most definitely changed from before X. Before X, I used to be one of the players in that dating game. Most of the time I'd win. And than X came waltzing into my life and after a while I changed my gaming ways to accommodate him. And than it went downhill.

Anyhow, this post isn't about how X broke me. More of a self reflection that I've changed and now dislike the things I used to do. Not in me, I wish I was still whole pre-X, but now that I'm not and other people are still playing, its really started to annoy me. I wish it didn't.

Because here is the thing. Its called the dating GAME. People aren't straightforward no matter how much they claim to be. So really, all we can do is suck it up and keep on playing. Till we win the game or reach a forfeit and can both stop playing each other and just enjoy what we have.

As for me? I have to start playing the game. And learn to love and have pride in it again.

I do what I can
Saturday, May 14, 2011 | 10:44 pm | Comment ⇢
When I first started the blog, I had disabled the comments for the posts because I felt like it was more of a personal diary blog and I didn't really want a commentary on my life. But I think its deviated to a more random bits and bobs blog and so I've decided to enable comments again.

Since the template is one I got off a random website whose address I can't remember (sorry), I had to change the template of one of my inactive blogs, find the code and incorporate it into this blog's template. I think it should be working now. I hope.

So make it worthwhile and comment away :P I've still got the tag board, but maybe it might be easier to get back to you kids about specific blogs on their specific comment page? Should it remain embedded or shall I change it to pop up / full page? Shall I even have it? What do you think?

Let me know :)

Muchos Lurve x

Oh my sweet delicate head
Tuesday, May 10, 2011 | 11:15 pm | Comment ⇢
I am a super light feather weight. Not in actual weight, cos I weigh as much as a little baby elephant ... but like in terms of being able to take drinks, drugs, etc.

Now, I've never had alcohol. And I've only done weed a few times. And I'm LIGHT WEIGHT. Like I got proper off-my-head-can't-feel-myself high and stayed that way for around 7 hours, no exaggeration .. from literally 5 or 6 deep tokes.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, the lack of sleep (37 hours and counting) combined with lots of caffeine in the form of coke and tea, have left me feeling a bit .. well quite a bit drunk :$

Now I know I have never even had alcohol so how would I know right? But I feel all staggered, my eyes keep losing focus, etc .. but the fun bit is, I'm going totally ape-shit nuts! I've always been a bit mental, but like I'm finding everything soooo funny and giggling like a mad person and what not. Anyhoo, its fun :) being all care-free and that. But I think I will leave before I faint.

PS - God is AMAZING mashAllah. My 'revision' was pretty shit till I went in to the exam and I get the worse exam jitters ever. Was so cold in the morning and nervous shivering, put the heat on. Anyway after I started the exam, its like I was a completely different person in charge of everything! Was it good? It went better than I expected. Better than complete shit. But you never know eh .. will try HARD to not do repeat performance of what I did .. this will ruin me :(



| 2:30 am | Comment ⇢
Okay I was going to post saying that I changed my settings and that I hope it sorted out the 'Enter Problem' I was having earlier. But than I thought what if it didn't, tried it and it did, hence the first line. Anyhow. Off to work. I hope.

*pathetically shakes head at self*

Lookie here
| 2:27 am | Comment ⇢
Lookie here, oh what do we have? The predictable little procrastinator, ready to .. erm anyway I'm going to stop since not all of you may be away of the lyrics I just modified (Bruno Mars - Runaway Baby) but as predicted, I came back. But I won't stay for long; even my (I swear that website needs to be paying me for all their endorsement :P) has its limits.

Just came to say I tweaked the template a bit. The blog space is larger now, more wider. Maybe it is nice? Maybe not? What do you think?? Let me know in the comment / tag box on your left! :)

One of these days ..
| 2:18 am | Comment ⇢
.. my luck with God will run out and I will be screwed in life :( unless I start regularly praying and working at what I want from life!

Idk I'm just .. I am AMAZING at planning. Planning my education, revision, essays, weight loss, life, etc, etc .. but I never execute / way off my time management :O 

Like, I've had all these days to do revision (learning since I don't know anything) for an exam coming up in a few hours and yet I still haven't started. And this is a new low. I'm going to stay awake trying to revise and than do the exam with no sleep. *gulp*

I have no one but myself to blame. I'm really tired. I don't know how I will work tomorrow .. well today in a few hours, with no sleep. But I can't sleep since I need to revise. I feel like crying. I am SUCH an idiot.

The worst thing is, I'm hoping that the one day my luck runs out isn't this year .. that somehow God is with me through other people praying for me .. and that He saves me once again. And the worst thing is, even if He saves me, I know like last year, I will end up doing exactly the same thing next year. I will try REALLY hard not to but I probably will. Tschhhh.

Really I would smack myself across my head now but will refrain since I am trying to keep intact and fit for the exam in a few hours.

And instead of revising, I am sitting here on blog. I've noticed I only blog around April - July. Wonder why (exam period). Le sighhhhhh.

Wish me luck all .. I need it. Again. Till next time (I'm predicting 19th of May since my next exam is on the 20th, unless I come back again tonight like a shameless faff).

Muchos lurve as always x

old | new