lil-bee: the randomizer

feelin murderous ..
Tuesday, January 22, 2013 | 4:06 pm | Comment ⇢
So remember I was talking about popping different pills for my headaches? Guess which one the doctor put me on .....


PS - if you can't guess from the overly obvious post title, its topiramate. The one that makes you blind with anger literally. Okay, it doesn't make you blind FROM anger, but it does make you angry .. and can also blind you sooo. I get angry from my migraines anyway so that one isn't a biggie (well I don't think so .. guess it depends on the level and my control!) but the blind thing? Super biggie .. since thats the one sense I value over the rest! Pray for me.

Oh my ..
Wednesday, January 16, 2013 | 4:21 am | Comment ⇢

//swoon :D

I never noticed Mr Gosling, but he has a really really nice nose! And also, Ryan + Feminist Theory = Hot :) 

Sunday, January 13, 2013 | 8:32 pm | Comment ⇢

My migraine medication (propranolol) is seriously messing me up with its side effects. Sure, I haven’t had more than one or two migraines since starting but I’ve recently felt really shit and almost feel like the migraines were better than feeling like this. While the tiredness and the fatigue does get in the way of being productive at work and school, it’s the changes in mood that I just don’t want to deal with. I’ve always been happy (not because of specific things, just for being I suppose) so these feelings of despair and depression are really freaking me out :( I really feel for people suffering from depression (and other mental diseases) because man does it suck being stuck at feeling shit.

I’ve made an appointment with my GP but I can either go with another beta-blocker or anti-epileptic medicine (or antidepressants but I am totally not going on them just for bloody headaches) and they all have side effects of depression, fatigue, insomnia, BLAH BLAH .. so like, what if they ALL make me sick? I’m leaning towards topiramate since it doesn’t change your heart rate but it does effect the electrical signals in your brain and can make you like suicidal, uber aggressive, anxious (like I need MORE anxiety) as well as depressed … oh, and it can also make you blind. Basically, I’m kind of fucked.

Being at university just totally doesn’t help the situation either. Its just so stressful, theres too much work, and the actual work itself can be quite depressing :/ I had to read this article (among others) about the new precariat class and while I felt like Standing was almost on an extreme negative rant, living in the current era of precarity, I kind of feel like it’s a bit true as well. Which really really sucks. I mean, whats the point then?! 

Update: I think I was more down than usual because of the papers I had to present. Our class (minus the kind of intense / mean tutor) went for drinks afterwards and while I was drowning my sorrow (with tea) they were all saying how its not just me and that was one of the more shittier weeks. Also, I completely misinterpreted the essay question but thankfully presentations aren't graded so suck on that precariats ..!.. [the Standing article, compared to the others, was just really really REALLY depressing. There was a section on anomie that reminded me of Durkheim and I was like I'm reading about it whilst wanting to commit it myself -___- ]

Only Child
Thursday, January 10, 2013 | 6:19 pm | Comment ⇢
Me. My mum had a daughter few years before she had me but they both got sick (T was born without a heart valve) and were at separate hospitals pretty soon after the birth. On top of that .. well it was pretty inevitable that my sister would die (they didn't have the technology to operate on a baby back in Bangladesh) and she did 6 days after birth .. and so mum never bonded with her (dad did). After me, my mum was pregnant again but my gran was really ill and dying at the time so I guess she didn't really check herself out and since she got ill (flu or somethin?), my dad (who is not a doctor .. just Asian with access to drugs) put her on a course of strong antibiotics, she had a miscarriage (my gran had died by then and my mum had to have an operation and had a near death experience). On top of that, when I was born, I got really sick with pneumonia and was at the hospital for ages and frequently as I grew older.

So, conclusions:

1. My family sucks at production. In fact, I just thought about it and kind of freaked out (I'm an ego-prat) at having the same manufacturing defect and having my production line come to an halt :O

2. There must be some cut cutting death transportation system that has people dying in multiples (my grandad died, followed by my granmum a few months later, followed by my uncle and almost my mum; second cycle had my grand-aunt, followed by my grand-uncle .. okay they were both 100+ but still, followed by my other grandad and almost another grand-aunt).

3. Growing up as an only child and a girl + my deadly background, my parents have been super-protective to an extent where now as an adult, I'm a medical pussy (anxiety disorder). They completely freak out about me going anywhere on my own .. and even if they were to allow it, I completely freak out and end up not going anyway.

Bottom line: my close friend is getting married in April in Nigeria and I really really REALLY want to go .. I mean, she's even reserved a room for me in her house and arranged for me to take the same flight as her family (she's already there, her brothers and sisters haven't left London yet). I want to go SO bad, but I know I probably can't (for reasons detailed above) and it just really sucks :( and whats worse is that (being an Asian economist and a pussy) even if they were to let me go, I'm getting all ummm about going to Nigeria on my own (okay not really, if I go with her family) and spending £600+ for flights to stay less than a week :/ Oh and I've got class and exams as well!

Ughhh //frustration. 

I've got the brain of a 7 year old boy ..
| 3:46 am | Comment ⇢
I ordered some stuff from the organ black market but clearly they've got the packages mixed up and sent me the wrong delivery.

LOL. See ^ that right there is proof of the post title. I swear my average level of maturity and my sense of humour can only be described by equating it to a brain of a 7 year old boy (except I know my way around things ;D) .... and its frickin awesome.

I laugh at the most random (teehee) things .. and sometimes even at inappropriate times. For the most part, its pretty darn amazing because it means I get amused very easily throughout the day and laughter makes you happy right & Alhamdullilah I think I've laughed pretty much every single day of my life (even during 'tragedies', I'll probably make a joke and laugh loudly to it).

Unfortunately I don't have a lady-like laugh. I have a spastic laugh with various pitches .. well its mostly high like my voice, but I do this weird continuous laugh and I laugh whilst breathing so it sounds like high-pitched-laugh:reverse-breathe-in-laugh:breathe-out-laugh:continuation-of-high-pitched-laugh with occasional suck-in-deep-breath:continue-laugh. Its not cute, its not girly and its very very obviously. Ah well, I get a lot of laughs out at least. In fact, I've noticed that the laughier friends among my peers also have distinguished laughs .. maybe it means we enjoy our laughter more openly :P

I also do this Asian uncle thing of hitting other people when I'm laughing. Its not like a SMACK tourettes kind of thing but more of a table banging kind of thing. Except usually I bang my legs and other people's arms / backs when laughing. Its pretty innate and I don't even realise I'm doing it, its like a reflex or something. Like I remember my Indian friend, right after a joke and my weird laughter, made a funny comment about how I hit people when I laugh like his old Indian uncles .. and (he must have said it in a funny way or whatever, I can't remember what was said but my hits were mentioned) I swear to you, without even realising, I went into laughing fits and hit him whilst telling him (as much as my continuous laugh cycle allowed) that I totally didn't do that *SMACH HAHA SMACK*

Buuuuut .. being as great as it is for me, a lot of people just don't get it. When I get into a laughing fit (which happens more often than not), its like REALLY hard for me to constrain and I've had people legit believe that I'm into drugs or something .. even at university!

-> LONG reminiscent story ahead <-

A few years ago during my A levels, there were around 6 or so of us (this was a private tuition kind of college) at our lesson with a naive funny kind of teacher. He had some phrases he'd repeat and a funny way of shaking his head and body when he got too into a moment and wanted to get back to the lesson with the class. Anyway, he was pretty cool and I was his #1 student out of all the other classes (not even trying to front LOL .. who does that, trying to pretend to be a teachers pet LOL) .. something all the other students knew too (I knew they knew through the casual teasing and one angry brush off by some ego-boy after our test marks were returned). I'm not rambling, all these points link up okay? Anyway so we're in class one afternoon, and this was close to our exams (I think we had a few weeks or so left) and I can't remember anything except this one guy Nick kept making jokes that weren't really jokes .. they were more like comments / statements that had a slight question element which he was addressing to our teacher, Mr P but actually throwing it out there for our benefits (okay, that last line is a bit jumbled up .. but I hope it makes sense still?!). Anyhow .. they were just really stupid obscure things (I can't remember most of them but I remember one comment which stemmed from Mr P randomly saying 'half Afro-Carribeans' and Nick going somewhere along the lines of - what do you mean, they've got half Afros? I'd like to come across these half Afro Caribbeans who  walk around with half Afros, etc; and Mr P, bless him, just didn't get it and went all shaky with frustration because duh how can Nick not know about half Afro Caribbeans in London .....) and I swear I just got into a laughing fit for the entire last 40 minutes of the lesson (yes really) ... to a point where I literally had tears coming out of my eyes and I actually fell from my chair / kept slipping off it and by the end was sitting on the floor laughing with my hands over my face (it wasn't a pretty sight ya see .. or err .. don't see?). Man ... even now I can remember that day .. I don't think I've ever laughed that hard in my life. Mr P, bless him, he FINALLY noticed that I was on the floor and got really concerned and mid-laugh I had to tell him that all the exam pressure had gotten to me and that I was having a nervous break down, hence the laughter. He actually believed me I think (like I said, #1 student and he'd forgive me anything sooo) and was completely clueless about what Nick was saying. And okay, it wasn't particularly funny and Nick was obviously egging me on .. I just couldn't stop laughing (maybe to do with having a wee bit of crush on Nick which I think he knew about) but I just couldn't stop. But it was well worth it though :') good times.

Anywell .. I completely got sucked back into that time (it was easier times back then) and totally forgot what point I was making :/ oh yeah .. so yup, people just don't get me and think I've got some drug problems man, I swear. Verrrry few people get my humour completely (I think only one or two in my lifetime .. who aren't necessarily in my life atm) and others think I'm a bit of a freak .. sad times :( I've had the most amount of fun laughing with people who got me (and so were crazy laughers themselves) because the laughter kind of fuelled both of us on, generating more laughter. But I'd still take that laughing at everything over having a cute occasional laugh any day bro!

Oh .. why did I get into all of this? Well my friend posted this picture:

And its funny .. but I guess not really that funny huh? But I just found it SO high-larious that I was actually laughing out loud, at 3:02 am, for a proper 47 seconds (which if you time it, is actually a lot when you are trying to control laugh at 3:02 am FYI). Like I can actually hear the boy saying it in my head (I'm a lefty .. all imaginative and shit) and I'm actually getting giggle-fits as I write this right now! 

My dad said I laugh like an asthmatic hyena, which made me laugh even more .. and he was all like you better not scare away the potentials with your laugh and oh gosh .. me laughing (pretty inevitable) is NOT a pretty sight to hear or see :/ I even laughed when a really close (at the time) friend told me she tried to off herself (thankfully she was semi-crazy and got me and wasn't offended) .. sheesh .. maybe I do have a problem (with the laugher, or plain 'ol hypochondria). 

Sheesh, maybe I need to shut up and go to sleep!

Smexy Stats
Sunday, January 06, 2013 | 8:37 pm | Comment ⇢
Contrary to what mother (and every other delusional statistician out there) likes to think .. statistics isn't sexy. Nor is smexy. As in, smexy isn't sexy .. which is why I used that word to describe stats. What does smexy mean? Like I know :/

ANYHOO. So I randomly (heh) looked at my stats .. since I've been a bit concerned over the kind of vocab I end up favouring as it leads to certain sites sending me visitors I really don't have tissue papers for (more in this post). But .. it was a nice surprise:

1. So to my Russian visitors, Рада тебя видеть! Just thought I'd let you know that I spend some of my life thinking about sexy Russians called Nikolai who think they are Estonian but like same difference so whatevs :D (that whole equating Russia to Estonia is a joke .. cos you know .. obviously they aren't the same .. and its a little bit like saying Bangladesh and Pakistan is the same which it so totally ISN'T .. just clearing it up!)

2. To my sexy nerd Linux visitors, I LOVE YOU. Seriously, I have a thaaang for ya'll (and since I'm one too, I've got a thaaang for me too). Thought I'd let you know, though this probably won't get me any nerdie points, my current Linux flavour is Luninux OS. Yeah I know, I know, its based on Ubuntu (kind of yuck) & even though I'm a Fedora loving yum(my) at heart, I just couldn't find many aesthetically pleasing remixes that worked on my netbook (Fuduntu is one, and its awesome .. I just wanted a change!).

New Year, New Look.
| 8:19 pm | Comment ⇢
Last template was a bit drab. This is fun and colourful yet slightly grown up (a tad bit) like me :)

Hope it doesn't hurt anyone's eyes :P

[Old people, I'm looking at us ^] 

My person who makes me smile is ...
Saturday, January 05, 2013 | 10:01 pm | Comment ⇢

Okay, I feel slightly ashamed to admit this .. but I honestly really love myself. Like not in a (I hope, inshAllah) I'm better than A, B and C kind of way .. because I'm too busy loving myself to think of A, B or C lolol .. but anyhoo like I don't really think bad of others or whatever Alhamdullilah .. and I don't think I'm arrogant (then again, I wouldn't would I?) .. I don't think enough people love themselves as much as they should .. but at the same time I think I'm a bit extreme :P

Basically, my friend is on her year abroad and because of our time differences, etc we haven't really been able to Skype .. and she's a really good friend and I've written some long arse emails to her essay pages long BUT after a while you end up having too much to do and end up putting off writing this huge email that ends up hurting your hands right? Well thats what happens to me .. because I do end up writing her HUGE emails about every day. Anyway so I thought you know what, I love talking so why not send her videos? So I have and they've been great because you can but also see the actual excitement in your face when you speak :D and a while back I sent her a video about a really good day I was having Alhamdullilah ... and (this is the embarrassing part) .. I've watched my own video more times than my friend because I just really love my face / make up / scarf / mood that day :$

SO NOW YOU KNOW. I almost deleted this post twice, but then I thought that hey okay maybe I am a bit extreme, but there's nothing wrong with loving yourself and more people need to do this soooo posting! 

Two-thousand and twelve people I hate .. +1
Tuesday, January 01, 2013 | 12:00 am | Comment ⇢
Well ... I suppose I could list 2012 people that I hate ... but since its a new beginning and all, I'll try and cut back on the negativity and only list 12 random things that people do that annoy me (because I'm nice and original like that):

1. People who eat with their mouth open.
2. People who are innately assholes (they exist, I'm related to many of them).
3. People who sing the wrong lyrics even after listening to the song and being corrected a bazillion times.
4. People who've literally just called you yet fail to pick up their phones when you call them back a second later.
5. People who make stupid blatant excuses and flop on you multiple times but expect you to keep inviting them out .. again and again.
6. People who waste hours every single day but only remember how much work they have to do the one day you guys had plans (which would only 'waste' three hours of their 'productive' time anyway).
7. People who are on some obsessive diet and so refuse to hang about (you can eat your grassy shit while I heart my meat kthnkx).
8. People who are vegetarian. Lols joke. Vegans. Judgemental vegans (I'll have my egg infested cake and eat it too) and sexist (against females) feminists (oxymoron but these morons actually exist).
9. People who blatantly suck up to an extreme level and expect everyone to suck up to their inflated delusional idol.
10. People who bring along other people when you've made a plan to hang out one-on-one (assumed / obvious).
11. People who are insecure about themselves and throw it onto others, painting them with the same brush.
12. People who think they know it all and just HAVE to interject in every single conversation, somehow managing to steer it into being about them.


+1 Lets hope I build up my tolerance and am successful in anger managing these people so they no longer annoy me :)

What twelve things annoy you?

Have a useful 2013 ya'll! Welcome to the new year :D 

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