lil-bee: the randomizer

la folie de l'amour
Tuesday, April 28, 2009 | 5:25 pm | Comment ⇢
So I had decided to share my genius expertise with you, fellow readers, in regards to the madness that is love while I idly sat at work. Not that I was forced to sit around, there is always work to do, we just have to find it and in my case, just look at my table. But I really wasn’t in the mood to work (like I ever am) and so spent some time researching on Google Translation and came up with a wonderful post title. However that is all that I’ve managed to do, since I am too lazy to procrastinate (hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off NOW) and my carpool is here. But I thought I’d post this anyway, to entice you into popping in to my blog and generate hits in anticipation of a tres amusant (I hope) update vis a vis lurve. Till then my lovelies!

A non update related random post!
Sunday, April 12, 2009 | 8:54 pm | Comment ⇢
So I was clearing out my cupboard (finally got around to it, and now the other one is messy!) and found all these random scraps of paper that I doodled in and wrote about random stuff on instead of taking notes (oh the joys of learning). Now I should have thrown these away ages ago (they date back to secondary school in 2004/5 to sixth form retakes in 2007/8) but as I read through them, they brought a smile to my face. Its because they each mean something, and so before recycling them off to the green heavens, I've decided to post them up here for your viewing pleasures (be warned though, they are non-sensical and generally shit!)

Starting off with the oldest one, a poem I inevitably wrote during my GCSE English class, its in the form of a spare piece of paper, a note to my then best friend, Nicole.W.

Untitled Poem

He looks into the sky
blueish purple, trees surround
greenish yellow, brownish bark,
grasses grow short but sharp.
The brown of the tree,
the browns of her eyes.
Ocean blue, he meets her eyes
hatred flowing, she comes to him.
Roses red near his heart,
a drop of tear from her heart.
He stops, he stares,
he looks but yet,
there she is in glowing dark
love and sorrow in her heart,
he opens his mouth
whispers spread:
"I love you dearly,
we were to be wed",
now he is dead.

As far as I can remember from reading the poem, its from the guy's point of view, its his funeral and he can see and feel around him. His bride to be hates him for leaving her, hates that she loves him so and then I added the last bit, well it helps make everything make sense. Its a pretty straight forward poem but hey its still pretty cool (given my age)!

Next on line is an unfinished random story I wrote during my Economics lessons at W.C during Mr R's (boring as usual) lessons. Or maybe it was Mrs M? Oh who cares, they both sucked and so me writing random stuff to keep myself awake was inevitable!

Untitled and unfinished story

They kept banging on my door, my roof, windows ... everywhere. They would come in and murder me, take over.

"Go away! Leave me alone!", I screamed. Bloodshot eyes, shivering, scared ... and hurting.

Jason held onto me so tight ... so tight. "Its okay, its going to go away, its only rain, it will stop".

I loved Jason, now only he believed. Now only he remained. Let me tell you my story, our story.


"Gosh! Wake up already", nagged Ali, pushing me awake. She could be so annoying sometimes.

"Alison girl, whats up? Its not even morning yet" I moaned as I looked out the window. It was still really dark. Here in Corona, mornings were never really dark, dawn was at 5 to half past.

"Hurry, get ready quick, just put something one ... there are some people waiting outside".

I looked up at Alison and was more shocked at what she wore rather than what she just said. In the eight years that I've known Al, I've never seen her look so hot or slutty. There she stood, long and tall at 5'7, her long blonde hair nicely straightened, the purple highlights glistening in the overhead light. She was wearing a extremely short denim mini, its maximum length 10 inches? Her top was a hot pink vest on top of a black vest, her knee length boots on her legs, the ones I jokingly labelled as whore boots. Something was up.

"Ali, you look like a baby prostitute! Its frigging 3 in the morning, just what in the hell are you playing at?"

She just smirked at me, like what I said was exactly what she wanted to hear. She stood there like she was planning on getting out of detention, smiling with an anarchist satisfaction on her pretty face. She blew me a kiss and throwing me the clothes she picked out, winked at me and went downstairs.

I pushed aside her vest and skirt combo, picking up some shorts and my black hoodie, assuming it would be cool this late at night. I almost went downstairs looking like a zombie but thought better of it when Ali's model face flashed into my head; deciding on some quick eye liner, mascara and lipgloss.

I was greeting by mostly familiar faces downstairs, faces I couldn't recognize at all. My eyes were pulled towards a group of dodgy looking gruffily dressed boys, older than everyone else most definitely, hypnotizing.

We followed the boys outside and got into the various cars, too stunned and naive to ask where we were headed, everyone expecting someone else to know what was going on. We finally sped up, off to God knows where.


Well It must have been end of lesson or something, don't even know where I was heading with the story! Something on the lines of paranoia, death of people I love, me blaming the rowdy boys (lol) and then finally finding out it was all my doing, as lover boy Jason lies dying on my arms. Nice love comedy then! Haha

And finally, some ramblings about JB that I made during 2008, dreams that I had at night!

JB Dreams 1

We were having an unknown lesson in an unknown area of spectacularity...outer space and we had neither walls or ceilings. Under a dark star filled sky and over a tilled classroom floor. The teacher was anonymous, everything was a blur and the focus only on you and me, me and you (that is the same f'cking thing?!?!). We had double tables yet they were singular like the ones at Scho******* and we were very very close. You were brightening my day (or night since you don't get stars during day time) and making me smile as you do. You were whispering sweet nothings into my ear and there were musical instruments all around. You were touching me with your velvet hands (not in a sexual context as far as I can remember!), giving me a massage and kissing me with your soft full lips (why yes I was in fact dreaming of a BOY in case your getting confused / excited?). I rested my head on your shoulders and its so peaceful and at rest. Rejection and anxiety ran through me and I jerked awake, destroying everything in my wake.


Lame or what? Hahahaha, can still remember weird retro space classroom and running around and what not!

And for the next installment -

JB Dreams 2

Class trip to the jungles of Galapagos Islands. A lot of blood sucking insects in the itinerary. Open windowed coach, a ride I can't much remember. Your presence I feel, my heart beats race, patience and wait is something I have lacked always. Fast track to our love boat (REALLY!?!? I don't remember my dreams being SO cheeky! This is what boredom does to me!), how are we always singled out and secularized from everyone else (really this is a feat since J.M's head is constantly attached to J.B or erm since I'm using initials, N.N's shoulder as a second like one of them Hindu Gods!)? I'm not complaining indefinitely (what does that even mean dude?). I don't hear, I don't see (wow disability causing specimen alert), only you exist among nothingness. Where do I end, where do you being - is this the ultimate one-ness they talk of (GOD, don't start)? I have melted into you, hold me, hold me. Jump through points, camping out in beds, a situation of Kala***** pre-modernization. Why is she here (Dr Stats), will I allow the moment to be destroyed? Why are you here with her (ewww non-MILF!!)? Blood suckers help me, I can't be on the edge, I need the safety of barriers around me. Dr Grey and McDreamy cuddles, footie baby =) (yes I actually did draw that smiley face on my paper) I don't jump to destruction now.

WOW, personal comments all the way through during narration ... I don't think there is much need for me to say anything ... except that the last line was the least cringing line ever. Surely I wrote that in sarcasm? SURELY?!?!?

And thats it for today =)

Yet another cyclopean update
Monday, April 06, 2009 | 12:16 pm | Comment ⇢
So I've just got the time to go check my blog ... and it hasn't been publishing my posts! Well in all honesty I only did type up one colossal one ... but it didn't publish it for some reason and so I am going to take this opportunity to type up a nicely up to date post for your reading pleasures.

Lets start off with where I left off eh? Lets start a bit with my holiday!

Bangladesh was the usuals ... except this time it was better since I stayed at home (our new apartment, not the old one) and spent practically the whole time downstairs with O and the lot! MM, my aunt (my father’s middle sister) made the most amazing food every day ... well she didn’t but she oversaw the whole thing and I was in heaven ... aloo bhaji with pao ruti for breakfast, daal, bhaat and aloor bhorta for lunch, etc, etc ... and the best part? Futchka EVERY FRICKING DAY.

Now these aren’t what people would say luxury food .. but I love them, specially Futchka. And its the Bangladeshi style (though the Indian style Paani Puri isn’t too bad) and while my mom would cringe at the amount I ate ... I did it in secret and regardless of possible diarrhoea-tic side effects and it was totally worth it! Food wise, my aunt also got a chanachur walla to come to our apartment (because I didn’t go out because it was SO CRAZY HOT!) and that was pretty gangster ... though someone would say more spoilt princess than ghetto behaviour =(

Other than food, I spent all time playing O’s PS2! I got some games and I had my memory card and so I tried to play at all times. Initially we started playing downstairs in O’s apartment but then we moved to my room upstairs since it was a parental unit free area! Me and O got well into ManHunt 2 which is absolutely amazing if you want to vent your anger. I particularly enjoyed playing the mission that included snipers and it was really cool because when we went to people’s homes (and almost everyone has an apartment back there and they are all high rise) we, or more specifically I, could find targets EVERYWHERE. To snipe off of course. In the end it kind of made us paranoid and slightly afraid. It also made me more blood hungry than I usually am.

In regards to the PS2, one thing that happened was that one day (all the rooms are en suite) the water went so when the taps were turned on, well because there was no water we didn’t know whether it was on or off. Anyhow after playing some PS2 (we used a TV card and my monitor, the PS2 and the controls were on the floor / near it) we decided to go downstairs for about 3 hours or so. My mom had gone outside and when she came back she went ballistic because apparently the water came back and flooded our apartment up to 5 inches or so.

Obviously I had some severe verbal bashment but I was really worried about O’s PS2 and whether or not it had died. Thankfully it didn’t, even though the controls were slightly wet. After that we were always very careful with the PS2.

As the subject of water has been brought up, let me go on with descriptions of the humid weather, our amazing 8 head shower bar and the waterworks I provoked in my aunt (heehee). Well lets start with the infamous aunt of mine, my mom’s older sister. My mom has two sisters and out of the three, only she had a daughter. This somehow apparently means that I am the daughter of all three sisters (or so they claim) and gives them some sort of right to discipline/lecture me about everything and anything.

My eldest aunt really pisses me off. Don’t get me wrong, I hate them both, but am more liberal with my hatred towards the oldest of the two. She is literally the most annoying person I have ever come across. Every time I go near her, she MUST say something negative. Like say she would say something like oh thats a nice bag, she would then go on to say how I’m not holding it properly, the price wasn’t good, etc, etc. And its not like shes dishing out criticisms only with praises, oh no, everytime she sees me she must say something bad. It would either be, oh so fat you are (her favourite) or something along the lines of you aren’t walking straight, etc.

And I’m like ... DO I GIVE A FUCK WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY?!?! This time I swear she pissed me off so much. Usually it starts off well but because now I know how shes like, well I wasn’t in my nice happy oh I haven’t seen you in so long stage, I skipped and went straight to my can you fuck off and shut up stage. I kept my ipod with my at all times (for my sanity and her safety) and she was going on about how rude it is, etc, etc. Whatever ... SOAD got a lot of hits with her around ... SOAD and Slipknot saved me (and her).

I didn’t speak to her because quite frankly I can’t be bothered. We had a party at our house and I asked her to bring something (I can’t remember what) and she gave me the most bitchiest look ever. My cousins were there and they saw, so I’m not being paranoid. And WHAT THE FUCK? Is she STUPID? No one, no fucking person, gives ME bitchly looks. I’m sorry but that completely fucked me off that she would dare to give me dirty looks IN MY OWN HOME, when I asked her to bring something that IS MINE. I just stormed off because I knew if I stayed near her there is only so much of my urge to scratch her eyes out that I can fight. Bloody idiot had the nerve to then come into my room, the one where I was with my cousins, after giving me bitchy looks, and then she started trying to have a casual conversation like everything was peachy peachy. But I just ignored her and she was like MJ whats up and I’m like WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?

Anyway the funny thing happened because the other day she like came to our house and I was minding my own damn business and she was like you don’t even say hello to me anymore and I was like I’m busy (I was with O and H playing the PS2 so I didn’t look at her) and then she started CRYING. A grown woman, CRYING ... like a FUCKING DRAMA QUEEN. My mom made me hug her (ew, how flipping immature) and she TOTALLY denied giving me a bitch look. She just pisses me off.

Like one time me, O and my cousins (ones I live with here so my mom’s younger sister’s sons) went to R-Sq with her. Now the trip started off in a BAD way! Basically she went with us and so there was no space in the car and she made my dad go in a rickshaw. In the RAIN. I’m sorry but who the fuck does she think she is? Shes a fucking idiot and I don’t even know why she went with us and I was literally so pissed off I was breathing VERY loudly and clutching my fists together because I could have literally killed her that day. And I was listening to my ipod full volume and the idiot tried to talk to me ... when clearly she knows I can’t hear her. I mean JEZUZ does she shit on a plate and eat it for lunch? She was like whats wrong. Honestly how can someone be so daft and not read signs? Its like the scene in The Grudge where that Yuko chick is coming up the stairs all bloody and mental and the guy was like whats wrong sweetie (okay so he didn’t say sweetie but he might as well have the way he was chatting). Whats wrong?!?! LOOK AT HER DOOFBAG. And get the fuck out NOW. Idiots.

Anyhow while at R-Sq she treated my cousin O (my dad’s sister’s son and their family is slightly poorer than my aunt’s) like a fucking low class slave. Like she was chatting to us in a normal way and with him like he was her slave. Like you know in French you have vou and tou? Like informal way of saying whats your name would be : Comment tu t'appeles? while the formal way (which you would use with elders, etc) would be: Comment vous appelez-vous? Well in Bengali you have that differentiation but like there is the formal one (for elders), the informal one and one you would use on like your servants, and she spoke to him that way, and it really fucked me off. Shes so snobbish and looks down on people and money is very important to her. She even differentiates between her sisters (my mom is less rich than my aunt) and when we go over to their house and stay the night, we ALWAYS get the floor while my other aunt gets the bed. It just fucks me off. Whereas when they come to visit us, my parents give her their room and sleep on the floors. I FUCKING HATE THEM. Actual hatred tbh.

What really pissed me off was that she pretends like she cares. I’m not some gullible idiot, I know she couldn’t give a toss. Her life is the epitome of fucked-up-ness and she couldn’t even handle her own son, she should really know better than to get involved in my business. Like once in the car, she was with my younger aunt and cousins and the driver was there and she kept bitching about how fat I am. WTF, that is just right out of order and not behaviour I personally would associate with a motherly figure. And I’m FAT? Has she seen the mirror? She hasn’t passed school, was married off to a pervert 10 years older than her at 15 and her son is a fuck up. Oh and she is also fat. So excuse me for finding it more moronic than oxy that she would even think about commenting on my choice of university and my weight. Oh so just because she (who hasn’t even passed junior high) hasn’t heard of SOAS it automatically makes it bad? Oh sure right, clearly her highly valuable opinion should be posted on Wiki’s section on SOAS under I-eat-and-breed-shit-for-a-living.

Anyway as the matter stands now, her life is full of drama (as usual and self inflicted) and she had the audacity to ask my mother for money. WHAT THE FUCK? Its just absolutely absurd in every single way. Oh and her pervert husband (who keeps touching my cousin btw and popping up wherever to get free food) is going through some other drama shit where he wants to kill himself. I swear its like some sort of family trait, this suicide business. All I have to say in this matter is ... GO AHEAD. Why pronounce your feelings to the world, just go ahead and do it. Bastards.


Okay I’m better now. When I got off the plane in BD and stepped out of the airport (which was air-conditioned) I felt like I couldn’t breathe. Like someone was squeezing my neck but in a subtle way so even death didn’t come fast. It was the humidity, the air was thick with it like I was locked in a steam room with the heat up max. When I told my mom that I couldn’t breathe, she said I should stop being a drama queen and get into the car (!!!). This is the type of abuse I have to face I tell you!

I did however stop bothering with my hair during the entire stay in BD. It was literally a ginormous ball of fluff that no amount of ironing or flattening could maintain. I doubt even a Double-Drum Vibratory Roller could do the job. So I just stopped bothering and kept it up at all times. Not the nicest of looks, but I wasn’t exactly on the lookout for marriage proposals.

!! Which reminds me! I got an actual marriage proposal!!! And those aren’t exclamations of happiness, those are expressions of annoyance and disgust. I mean (much to the exasperation of my mother) I literally stayed home ALL THE TIME. So I don’t know how people knew of my existence but other than the usual oh I know a good boy for you, etc .. and the common leading questions (these are questions potential match makers ask you to potentially match make you to a potential boy and includes questions such as how old are you, what do you do and who are your parents); I’ve never had to deal with an actual proposal. And sure, while I can’t help it ... it narked me that my cousins thought it was a feat to be proud of and the actual wording of said PMM (potential match maker): she goes to my dad ... Oh do you want to give us your daughter? I’m sorry YOU WHAT? Give you WHO? I’m not a thing to give and take. I am not a piece of meat or a ticket into the UK. Honestly. I’ll tell you what I want to give you PMM ... you need a anal fisting session. Twit. And as if her sexism wasn’t bad enough, my dad was actually contemplating this. He said to me to come with him to visit his mate. Now obviously I hadn’t known the purpose at the time (or I would have given him a good chunk of my mind) but I’m anti-social anyhow so I was like well if YOU haven’t seen YOUR mate in ages, why don’t you go see him? Why must I go? He was really insistent as well but I flatly refused, I mean how does that even logically make sense? Oh I haven’t seen my friend for ages lets go see him because he wanted to see you. It wasn’t a mate of his btw, it was that dude who wanted me married off to his son, erm ew?

Wow, really not in a good mood atm am I??? =/ Lets talk about nice happy things ... like how amazing Thailand was and how much food I had there =D the most diverse place ever, you go out in the streets and the demographics are (in the words of Russell Peters) mind blasting, man. Asians with Whites and Blacks with Asians and just super awesome-ness like someone got cultural diarrhoea and decided to shit all over the place. And the food, my GOD ... everything from Japanese to French to the good old Thai food .. and Halal too! There was literally a street FULL of Arabs and Somalians and Muslims and the shops sold stuff like shisha (woo) and attar and the signs? English and Arabic .. not a word of Thai in there! Tres magnifique! And the shopping was fun too .. designer looking fake stuff with fake stuff prices =D And lots and lots and lots of prostitutes. They even had a dress code, short shorts, some ugly top and huge wedges and bare makeup. Even met a transvestite =D
Did I mention, I was mistaken for a prostitute myself? Basically my mom wouldn’t let me buy this thing from the street stalls and this was all the way in Sukhumvit Soy 11 (or something) and our apartment was in Soy 3 ... so I huffed and puffed and started walking in a strut (not purposely, it comes with the anger) and got well ahead of them. All of a sudden this butch black guy and his mates, well he approached me and started saying some shit. Now when I’m pissed off, I lose sight of everything, I’m like Cat Woman on Crack or something and just don’t give a shit about anything. This guy could have raped me with his finger, thats how big he was. But me (like an idiot actually) I go tell him to fuck himself and keep walking. He then started following me with his mates and I remember all I could think of was how annoying he was and can he just leave, when really I should have been thinking 'run for your life IDIOT'. But thankfully before they could catch up to me I got to my apartment (with the security guards) and then they left. Ahh not the experience I had expected during the many times I have thought about encounters where I was mistaken for a prostitute. Ah well the good news is that nothing happened to me and also that I managed to get my way with the things I wanted to buy =)

Hmmm what else? I think thats enough of an update for this moment in time no? I will go into details about my lurveeee life (and how mental its been) and work and stuff. Also MUST LOSE WEIGHT. You guys have any tips? Let me know =D

Muchos love

old | new