lil-bee: the randomizer

Monday, September 09, 2013 | 7:19 pm | Comment ⇢
You can see some of my photographs here -> linky.

Here's one:

| 5:37 pm | Comment ⇢

The Up-Side of the Down-Side!
Saturday, September 07, 2013 | 6:31 am | Comment ⇢
So I'm here to clarify about a recent experience I had with a lying boy. I've of course shared the story with my girls (and a few boys haha) and one of them asked me a very good question: Why are you so angry? You wouldn't want to be with this kind of person anyway!

Is that why people thought I was so angry?! Because thats totally not the case! I'm firstly angry about my wasted time (numero uno always eh?).

I'm not going to link to the posts (you can search for em if you're inclined) but in my entire life, I've always been wary of guys / relationships and only really fell for this one guy, my 'ex'. Despite liking him more than I ever liked anyone before, I decided to 'end' things because one of the things which REALLY got to me were his game-playing ways. Back when I was younger (and a haraami haha), I used to play a lot of guys at their own game (I was proud of it in fact!) and so I knew the moves and what not. But when I took a gap year and worked full time, I was exposed to many adults and situations and thankfully I finally grew up. At the ripe age of 20, I was pretty much done with all the high school BS and so when this 24 year old dude, who initially seemed straight-talking and real (speaking to me about marriage and what not), though I freaked out, I later accepted that its time to grow up and think about the future. And then he did a complete 360 and started playing really petty games and then things just down downhill.

And though I only wasted a week with the tall freak (and learned some rhyming on the way too!), just the parallels with my 'ex' and the whole gaming scene just really annoyed me. Like imagine I hadn't found out, just what would have been the point / plan of this entire scheme? I would either find out later (major loss of time) or probably he would play me into a marriage and then I'd find out when I find him jamming with his mistress! While that is something both fear and rage inducing, lets look at the gaming side of things.

I'm really really REALLY bad at getting back to people. Like monumentally bad. Like I swear if you asked people to describe me they would say I'm funny, and then they'd say I'm shit at keeping in touch. Its horrible.  But anyhow, this whole marriage thing is kind of time-sensitive. I'm not really in the business of juggling lots of guys (but I'm seriously considering this .. okay maybe not lets, but like 3 at a time?!) so I like to get through them ASAP so I can close a chapter and move on if we aren't compatible. Some people really turn it into some dating chasing hot-cold BS game and seriously .. marriage ain't no time to be acting like some game-playing-boy. And if someone who is known for being absolutely the worst at keeping in touch and getting back to people, if even they can get their act together ... well, c'mon now!

And secondly, I'm just really angry at the deceit. Like I honestly don't understand what he was playing at .. like what did he think was going to happen? Either he'd string me along for a long time, or actually marry me and then secretly have an affair. What.the.hell? Or another option is that he'd dump his girl and get with me instead. I am not happy with any of these options. Firstly, what an arse (I actually feel for his girl) that he's even thinking of speaking to someone while he's already committed to someone else. I mean, I REALLY wouldn't want such a lying scum to be my life partner. I mean, he deletes my innocent message so clearly he's worried about his girlfriend finding out (but if its just a hello, I mean who cares?!). I also wouldn't want such a fickle guy who would drop me at the drop of a hat at the next best thing?

And finally, my ego is bruised okay. I don't like being very open and all emotive and shit but I've been told people don't like cold stony edjiats so I decided to forget my inner gut and listen to people yet again (when will I learn?!) and was nice and friendly. And now I feel like the whole time he was smiling, he must have thought I was a gullible food he'd nicely play and have fun with. Ughhh. I mean, I suppose I'm always going to be all chatty (its just how I am), but I must learn to be a bit stuck-uppy/aloof because guys are just little boys who'll use that to start playing games and feeling oh-so-powerful.

I guess if everyone's playing games, I'll have to because the Queen-Playah I retired from years ago! Le-sigh.

See, The Accountant would never do this because he is such a nice MAN.

Anyway, I've ranted out the anger and made fellow prospective-victims aware of the danger so I'm going to take some valuable lessons from this and again thank Allah that He showed me the truth before it was too late, Alhamdullilah.

Dear Accountant,
Friday, September 06, 2013 | 2:04 am | Comment ⇢
I LOVE YOU. Just marry me already darn it!

Little Lying Boys.
| 2:04 am | Comment ⇢
I hate guys who are stuck at being boys and refuse to be men. I hate boys who waste your time playing games instead of being straight talking like real men. I hate little lying boys who make you go in circles while trying to lead a double life.

Tall potential adds me on my halal FB (yes I have a haram one as well). I accept. Leave him a nice simple message (hello). Not only does he NOT reply (he's mates with my family with I can see they've been chatting plenty during the time), when I go to check his wall, he's DELETED my message. What the fudge right? Then I get a notification about him commenting on a photo of my family I commented on (he was in it too). When clicking through, it accidentally takes me to all his tagged photographs and theres loads of him with his recent girlfriend (they are still going strong).

I mean .. really? Do you think I'm that much of an arsehead that you lie to me so blatantly and don't even try to cover it up?

Tbh, I'm surprised I didn't go snooping around with my paranoia trust issues as I normally do. Just goes to show, that you really shouldn't trust anyone till they've proven you wrong about not being able to trust them. What a tit.

Wednesday, September 04, 2013 | 2:52 am | Comment ⇢
When you're at an Asian wedding and 3 of your prospectives and one ex prospect are all sitting on the same table, having the time of their lives with each other, while you're sitting on the next table - praying that none of them come over to speak to you & frequently visiting the loo for long periods of time to ensure this - because this whole thing is so damn hoewkward. Also, some of them are quite chummy chummy with each other. Even more hoewkward. I think its time to cut my ties, even though I'm quite inclined to two of them, one for his height (a Bengali taller than 6 feet! I mean .. thats one in a million right?!?), and another for how nice he is (I think we all know who).

Ugh. Why do all Asians know each other?! 

| 2:49 am | Comment ⇢
So I cried to Allah swt last night, woke up this morning and received an email I wasn't likely to receive till next week, telling me they accepted my medical certificates and approved my extension. Alhamdullilah x infinity.

Queue feelings of extreme gratefulness and guilt. I can't count the number of times He has visibly had my back, I mean ALWAYS Alhamdullilah and I feel so guilty because its not fair and I really don't deserve it :( My life would literally be NOTHING without Him, and yet why do I fail in trying to do everything and anything for Him when I literally owe him every breath?


InshAllah one day I can climb even one step of the infinite steps of giving back and feel a bit more deserving of His countless blessings on me :( inshAllah one day I can be the human being I can truly have reason to be happy of being. Ameen! 

Shitting It
Tuesday, September 03, 2013 | 6:41 am | Comment ⇢
The anxiety and panic are back in full force. Except this is worse than anything I've ever had. Because this is it ... my entire Masters degree classification rides on my Dissertation .. and I'm shitting it. I'm not confident at all, hate my supervisor's lack of supervision, hate my uni's lack of administration, hate this topic, hate this timeline, hate my attention-deficit/procrastination, hate my anxiety/panic disorder, but most importantly I hate myself for being so damn stupid and lax. Ugh.

In serious need of serious duas. Pleasepleaseplease. I know I don't deserve it, but a hadith in Sahih Muslim (and Bukhari I think, can't remember the exact number sorry!) notes that  our Prophet SAW said that:

The Dua of a person for his Muslim brother in his absence will be answered. At his head there is an angel, and every time he prays for him for something good, the angel who has been appointed to be with him, says, 'Ameen, may you have likewise'

So c'mon people, spread the joy :D  

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