lil-bee: the randomizer

Doings the things you plan to do
Monday, October 29, 2012 | 10:38 pm | Comment ⇢
1. I am a SUPERB planner. Seriously, my plans and organisation skills are top class to the point of being neurotic almost (I had a fit at this new guy in front of 50 other new people for this Freshers Trip I organised because he touched my list and kind of tore it :O).

2. As GREAT as I am in planning bits and bobs of mine (and everyone else's) lives, I am equally as bad at executing said plans. Well .. not in terms of organising an event I suppose, but more in terms of making plans (esp to study) and then not actually following my plans.

3. When miraculous plans DO get followed, with the expected results = HAPPY TIMES :) so I'll have to work extra hard now to work at executing my plan, work and health wise!

ANYHOO ... I stopped by to say this:

I hope ya'll had a lovely Eid inshAllah :)

Thank you Nas for the lovely Eid email :) I read it on my phone, hence the lack of reply :O

I had an AMAZING Eid :) well first day was normal level of good (I met a guy and had an epiphany .. which I may, or may not, get to in another post) but second day knocked it out of the park! I went to see Muse, my favourite band in the whole world (tied with Linkin Park), for the third time ever .. and it was great :D like really REALLY great. Esp because I queued up for ages and got really close to the barriers and saw the loves of my life (Matt, Chris and Dom) up close :D

Its funny though, I remember back in this post how worried I was about being a hijabi and going gigging (I've been a 'hijabi' for more than a year or so now) .. and even on the day I was kind of nervous but this all vanished when Muse came on stage :D I was clearly the only hijabi (standing anyway) and a few people looked at me a bit weird lol but it was fine, Muse crowd are usually very nice and mature, and my hijab stayed on despite the moshing and jumping around, thanks to my cousin who was standing behind me and fixing it whenever it came a bit loose :P

Thats enough fun to last me a while (as I reminisce while listening to them on my headphones) .. so on to the work! 

A Special Request ...
Thursday, October 18, 2012 | 12:31 am | Comment ⇢
Please watch & like this video -> link.

A family friend of mine, she is truly inspiring and talented :') she became paralysed in 1995, suffered a brain haemorrhage in 2003 and is still fighting on despite the frequent trips to the hospital since she was born and being told by doctors that she didn't have long to live, 9 years on and she's still fighting!

Please check out her stories at and watch / like her videos on her Youtube.

To think ... I've been getting angry and bitching about people coming into my room and invading my privacy ... Alhamdullilah for everything I have .. and may He make her suffering less and give her success in her life, she deserves it! :)

PS - Please share this among your peers, it would mean the world to her!

Can women be angry?
Tuesday, October 16, 2012 | 9:33 pm | Comment ⇢
Even though I'm pretty sure I can't be defined as a full woman cos I'm so masculine (how you doin ;D) ... is this exclusive or do other women have this thing where they can't be properly angry?

Like don't get me wrong, I have full fledged episodes right where I'm like FUUU and screaming and punching walls and throwing shit around (I swear I think I broke my pinkie finger) but I hate being angry in public because I always always end up crying. Like every hour of being angry equates to like two hours of crying or something. Sometimes its pretty simultaneous where I'm angry and crying at the same time .. but mostly its like after the crazed rage is over, I'm sitting there crying like a fool.

And in both instances, its so bloody frustrating. Its like what the hell man, why am I crying? When I usually cry right after being angry, I get even more angry at myself .. but its pretty comical (I would assume, I rarely do public emotional outbursts) to look at because I'm like crying and shouting at myself in the mirror "why are you crying you stupid idiot?! BE ANGRY, BE ANGRY!" .. its just so ugh.

Thinking of the thought process, I guess I just start feeling guilty for being angry and doing what I did, but its frustrating because no, I'm not sorry I'm angry, so what the hell?

Apparently this is an issue faced by a lot of women (as shown by a survey taken of around 500 with I think 300 or so saying they do cry when they get mad all the time, around 50 said this doesn't happen to them ever, 15 said they used it but now stopped with the rest saying it happened sometimes). So why is this?

Have we perhaps been socialised into gender roles that tell us that women shouldn't be angry while crying is seen as more acceptable (and so we end up subconsciously crying instead of being able to be angry)? Perhaps we feel guilty because we are preconditioned to think we don't have a right to be angry, despite the years of gender equality? Or perhaps its pure science and chemicals in our brains and bodies making us act up?

Apparently anger creates the stress hormone, cortisol. The more angry we get, the more cortisol is produced. Back in the days of fight or flight, I guess people had a way of getting the anger out (in a satisfying violent way, not a pansy pushing it down by breathing way) but society today is different (ABH/GBH charges anyone??). When we get angry, we don't often find the outlets we need to release it and this causes a build up of cortisol.

Tears of emotion apparently contain protein and stress hormones and have a different build than tears of irritation. So it makes sense, biologically, that when we get very angry (as I always do), our body uses tears as an outlet to de-stress and flush out the hormone. On top of this, tears are made up of the hormone prolactin and while present in both males and females in equal parts before adolescence, by the time we're 18, females have 60% more of this hormone than males. Go figure.

Well at least now I know I don't have bipolar disorder (... or maybe I do?!) ... just some hormonal imbalances and anger management issues haha :P

But while all that sciency woohah gives some sort of explanation for the tears, doesn't make it less frustrating or overwhelming when I cry! But I guess its a good thing .. and being an unemotional ice queen (apparently .. but my dad being an emotional drama queen will obviously think I'm cold comparatively!), I guess I need to take these opportunities to let it all out!

Besides, its been a stressful week (oh the perils of postgraduate studies and academic debates with naive pro-orthodox fools) and I'm due my leech out!

Au revoir! 

Ticking Womb Bomb
Sunday, October 14, 2012 | 3:42 pm | Comment ⇢
I've always loved babies .. but now its like this thought in the back of my mind that I have to get them out before its too late! Anyway, baby video of the moment -> clicky. SO fricking cute!!!

But after watching this, I half watched one of the related videos that pop up afterwards and it was like a home birthing video (I couldn't go through the entire thing!) and this is when I'm like UGHHH LETS JUST ADOPT.

My baby cousin (she's adopted) brought on instant gratification and I swear it feels like she was waiting to come into our lives all this time like a missing piece and finally it all fits and the puzzle's complete :D and sure, its still like a year or so wait .. or even more, with all the security checks, baby matching, etc and the legal battles ... but still NO PAIN!

But I'm a egoistical bastard and I want to spread my genes sooo .. haha, we'll see (if I ever get to the point!) x

Chirpsing Mums (and Dads)
Friday, October 12, 2012 | 1:07 am | Comment ⇢
So I don't know if you know this but I'm really good at chirpsin mums. Like really really good. I do it all the time, for the experience at least, if nothing else! In fact, when I went on holiday to Canada, I went to loads of parties with mums and I think I charmed 90% of them xD ... erm .. I ran into the dog house once when I chirpsed a mum too well o.O she had extended an informal proposal for her son to my cousin's family, but my cousin was being an idiot since she is one (seriously, even her mum says this) and only paying attention to the son while ignoring everyone else .. anyhow, long story short, since I spent the dawat (Bengali word for party, usually dinner party but can also be lunch, etc) chatting her and her daughters up, by the end of the week, they withdrew the proposal from my cousin and planned to extend it to me (awkward times, I slept in the basement from then on till the end of our trip) but then had to unextend it since I was too young to get married.

Anyhoo, thats my thing. Chirpsing mums. And this is something I was well proud of, sharing my secret with other friends hoping to secure some proposals and always getting in some practice. But apparently I'm not the only one doing this. The reason why I bought this up is because I can hear my parents talking next door (they must think I'm asleep) about some guy my dad met who basically swept him off his feet (I swear my dad is a teeny tiny bit homosexual. I'm not even joking, the man is metro to the extreme and often talks about how this guy or that guy is really handsome. Did I tell you about the time I had to stand by watching him flirt shamelessly with the blatant gay guy at Lush? Baba didn't even know he was flirting but he totally was. It was so embarrassing ... and the hot gay guy didn't help either -___-) and how he's such a nice boy blahdeblah, etc. And I'm like OMG HE TOTALLY CHIRPSED MY DAD.

Or idk, maybe he really is a nice guy? Anyway it doesn't matter ... after almost a second week of Masters, I've realised how much of an Academic Slut I am, sitting and swooning at the front row of all my units, coming out of the lectures with multiple academic orgasms :D seriously though, the lecturers I got this year are so effin amazing!

| 12:14 am | Comment ⇢
I swear I think I'm bipolar. Maybe mildly bipolar, but its there! One minute (okay mostly one half of the day, or one day, rather then a minute to minute thing) I'm really happy, the next I'm crazy angry when all of a sudden I'm sad and soppy. You know how they show (or used to anyway) crazy neurotic women getting angry and throwing plates? I was SO close to doing that the other day. Just really wanted to just act crazy. I don't know, I think it would be really liberating or something. Man, I really need to take up kick boxing or something :P clay pigeon shooting??? Or maybe I'll just wait when no one is at home, wear my swimming goggles and really shatter some plates. But you know, its not the same if its planned, as it would be if it was done at a heat of the moment kind of thing.

Anyhow, recently, I've just been so angry. At every little thing and everyone. I don't know why, and its kind of worried me so I went to speak to my GP about it and she was like take some diazepam and I was like are you crazy?! I do not need to be drugged up thank you very much. I don't know ... its really not like me I think. Well it is, I have always had a short temper that easily flares up but thing is though, that was during you know, puberty and shit. And then after I was fine. Sure I'd have a week of ups and downs, ahem, but then I'd be fine. But like recently (last few months), I'm like always getting so angry. I don't know what to do :/ snapping at my family (and some close friends), which in turn causes more arguments and even more anger. Its like a never ending cycle.

Aghhh .. maybe I just need to get laid?!?!

I got flipped, and I landed on the good side.
Friday, October 05, 2012 | 12:50 am | Comment ⇢
Wow. Okay so while I'm waiting for my cream to dry, I thought I'd quickly do a post to tell you whats been up. Over the summer, well a lot of shiz went down. Nothing TOO bad, but still kinda sucky, specially since I've never had to deal with issues and have Alhamdullilah always led an amazingly easy and blessed life. Anyway so stuff happened and I was tested, though I don't think I've passed very patiently :( but ANYWAY so lets not talk about bad (ish) things yeah? Alhamdullilah, and thank you to everyone who prayed long and hard .. but like EVERYTHING started falling into place beautifully since the 25th of September. SubhanAllah, it really does amaze me, how generous He is to me :) its like all the good things kept coming, for all of us .. and it really is true, Allah only does what is good for us in this world and the next, and if He doesn't give us something, its because something much bigger and better is waiting for us out there :)

HOLD UP HOLD UP. You think I got married or something?!?! Pfft ... as if I'd get all happy and sappy over that :P basically whats happened is, I got into the Masters program I reaaaaally wanted to get into and thought I had NO chance of going to. Like seriously, my university let me know a day before the last day to enrol, and literally 3 days before lectures started. And now lectures have started and boy is it going to be tough and all busy busy. So yeah, the list of things I wanted to talk about? And all them other ever growing draft posts I have? Its going to have to wait!

And finally, the marriage thing? Yeah I've given up. Like I just really can't be bothered :P my mum and dad and aunts and uncles and friends and all are still looking to get hooking but I think I'm going to allow thinking about these things (I think I'll be so busy that I won't have time either). I mean, I guess I'll still meet people, if I have the time, but I won't be all like ohhh what will happen. Cos what is meant to happen, will. Plus, each time something doesn't work out, because the guy doesn't like me or because I don't like the guy, its still like a long, time consuming process (which is why I've always been anti-relationship). So I guess no more talking about such and such ... or maybe I will, who knows?

Wait wait, I'm not done. I'm in love with a Nigerian man. Well its not LOVE love. Its more like obsessively-infatuated-with kinda love. I know nothing will ever happen (I'm an only child of a brown couple :P) but he provides a delicious, makes-me-forget-about-the-world-and-grin-like-a-hornyhappy-rabbit distraction from boys and toys so its all good :)

Aaaaand I'm done. I hope all of you are well and happy and I pray for everything good for ya'll :)

See you in a year?! 

old | new