lil-bee: the randomizer

About a boy
Wednesday, February 22, 2012 | 9:41 pm | Comment ⇢
WOW. The post below is probably the longest one I've ever written.

Which sucks, because its about him. Stupid boy.

Basically, don't read the post before .. its a whole bunch of gibberish crazy lady talking to herself kinda post.

Also, don't read it if you are planning on reading / watching One Day. Because I've given away the ending.

I just posted it .. because I needed to get it out.

When you're lonely and depressed ... you should go and stalk your ex.
| 8:46 pm | Comment ⇢
For the pleasure of the masochist inside of you. If you have one. Which if you happen to be me, you do.

Ugh man.

Random post.

I still need to sit and update on the massive emo shithole that will be my post when I post it a few posts below, but Idk, I guess I wanted to put this (completely kinda unrelated shit) out there too.

You see, I'm kinda depressed. Right. Which sucks butt. Its super frustrating because I'm a naturally very happy person. But then I have these moments. Which just make me swear at myself and scream at me to go fuck myself and grow some balls. Super annoying. I hate being sad (yeah because some people enjoy it?! WTF) .. more so because I don't have jack shit to be sad about (I'm awesome and so is my life Alhamdullilah) but its just there, refusing to budge. And Idk, maybe its a hormonal thing (damn you vagina) or something more serious / permanent. But I'm a hypochondriac, so of course I'll jump to conclusions about being mentally ill. Pfft.

ANYWAY. So totally not what this is about.

Basically, so when I'm having one of my episodes (its not as bad as I'm making it sound but I'm a melodramatic drama queen daaahling, its kinda half my family trait) ... I always end up cyber stalking my ex. Or doing something in relation to that.

And I swear, this is the first (???) and last time I talk about him here, because he's just not something I'm happy talking anything about.

So anyway, I've always been (and still am) anti-relationship .. not because I'm some fat ugly derp who hates what she can't have, but Idk, I always thought relationships are pointless?

I'm Muslim and Asian. And yeah okay, I haven't always been as practicing in some aspects of my religion (i.e I wasn't anti-relationship because its haram or anything) ... but either way, I know that my end destination is marriage. And I think thats the case for like, what .. 97% of desis? Its just a ethnic-cultural thing that as girls, we are expected to get married at some point in our life (read: before 24, cos after that you're waaay too old, and will only get rishta from wrinkly old men ... who probably have kids, been married before, and only want you for your passport). Many girls argue that they won't get married so early / at all .. but except a few, you know that never ends up happening. Anyhoo, so you get the picture .. I always knew that I'd have to get married down the line (I wasn't so keen on the idea, but just accepted this as a truth of life) and that it would have to be someone Bengali.

And even though I'm all happy like on crack kinda person, I've always been realistic about shit like that. Like even now, I'm not a awww how cute, or I LOVE YOU BABY (ugh, ya'll know my HATE of pet names) kinda parson ... I just have no sissy romantic bones in my body (lucky me). Because I always used to think, what a complete waste of my valuable time, to get with someone only to inevitable break up at some point (no Tom, I don't think we'll love each other for ever and ever .. we're 15, we'd be lucky to make it past 2 weeks) .. like I've never been able to justify putting yourself through that .. for what? A lil bit of saliva exchange and shit?

And then came the guys ... I've never really been attracted to Asian guys (I'm sorry yo) ... and so I knew, no matter how amazing sexy Latino's arms would feel around me (harharhar .. no really) .. there really is no point init?

And then I accidentally got into a sort of kinda relationship with a boy *gasp* ... who was half a man .. like an almost man. And he was Asian *more gasp* ... and a Muslim *extreme gasp* ... he was a Shia *feel free to faint* etc.etc.etc.

ANYHOO the point is, of course it was the biggest mistake of my life. Maybe. I don't know.

Any then we kind of broke up.

And I got all sad.

I don't know why ... maybe I kinda sorta liked him. Or maybe it was because he was super scrumptious and I'm shallow (not even joking).

And the worst thing is right ... I can see him everywhere. Like sometimes I'm walking down the road (or sitting in a milaad ... omg don't even get me started), and I glimpse at someone, and think its him .. and for the 4 seconds where I'm convinced its him (my logic gets shat out) my heart stops and I get all cold and clammy and feel like I'm gonna puke and faint and choke on my vomit and like die or something. Haha visual.

Wow .. this post ended up becoming WAY longer than I initially planned.

Basically I had an ex, who was really handsome mA, and it took me ages to get over him, and even now I sometimes see him (though not actually him thank God) and almost die, but anyhow.

So basically what I'm trying to say is ... sometimes I'm a masochist. And when I'm sad, or bored .. or being a crazy tit ... I cyber stalk my ex .. and get all even more sappy and stupid.

God, I hate boys. And almost men. Anyone with a XY chromosome.

Still not the point of this post.

Don't do that btw. Cyberstalking that is.

Okay, its not seriously stalking him duh. Its just Google searching him with you logged off FB (because you've blocked him and can't see him if you stay logged in) and like going on his page to see what he's upto and with who before you go and make voodoo dolls out of them and sit in your room in the dark with like pins and

I'M JOKING. Black magic is haram.

So's having an ex.


Anyhow, so yeah I look at his picture. And then get all sad and sappy. Which is really stupid, masochistic, counter-productive and kinda pointless.

BUT ANYWAY again. Point being.

My ex literally is like the Indian twin of Jim Sturgess. No, I won't link in a picture of my ex (I've deleted everything) or of Jim .. because really thats gonna make me sad again.

And when I say this, I'm not even exaggerating. He is literally Jim's Asian twin.

He's got Jim's dorky look. And Jim's handsome look. And they have the SAME EYEBROW.

PS - my ex's eyebrows were nicer than mine. WTF.

Anyway. Ugh.

I can't watch Jim Sturgess movies anymore.

Which sucks because I LOVED the movie 21.

Anyway. Again. And. AGAIN.

There are two Indian actors that my mum watches in TV serials who remind me of my ex as well .. but not as much, and mostly just their eye brows / eyes and this one dude's nose. Oh and they are Asian too. And my mum watches these serials ... every day. So its kinda hard to get away from him.

But anyway, the point is ... earlier today, I ended up watching this movie One Day which they adapted from the book One Day, which I read way back when it came out. And guess who was starring in it? JIM BLAAADY STURGESS. And it was too late to stop from watching it, cos then I'd be questioned as to why I'm being so melodramatic. And I kinda wanted to watch the movie .. even though I didn't like the book .. which was a good book, but I kinda didn't like it for some reason I couldn't remember while watching the movie. And yes, I was feeling masochistic and thought hey .. its either watching Jim topless or cyberstalking .. and c'mon, I think I choose the safer option .. or I think.

Anyhoo so I'm watching this movie, and my ex is basically on screen in front of me, topless (I DIE) and thinking to myself hmm its a good adaptation (which I'm sorry is a rarity for text - videos ... and something very few people have accomplished, such as LOTRs [best movie in this world]) .. how comes I didn't like the book again? The movie isn't so bad. Maybe the book went on for too long. And I kept remembering things from the book a few scenes before it was shown and thinking hmmm ... maybe the movie is better than the book in this case? Maybe I'm being biased towards Jim's abdomen? Anyhoo .. and it got to around the end right, and then I remembered why I disliked the book .. and its because the main girl dies .. and what kind of shoddy ending is that?

What happened to happily ever after? And blah blah, I know real life doesn't work like that. But isn't that the whole bloody point of fiction? Its not REAL LIFE?! And tbh, if I wanted a non-happily-ever-after, I'd read / watch life. Not a book / movie thats supposed to distract us from life. God man. Sheeeeesh.

Anyhow, so she dies, few minutes before I realized why I disliked the book .. and then I started crying like a little girl. Like actually bawling my eyes out.

Oh what a hot damn mess.


Dear Linoleum Surfer
Tuesday, February 21, 2012 | 3:32 am | Comment ⇢
On a completely unrelated note, this ones for you:

[TLS, if you can read my hand writing, you need to pronto-toronto! ... PRETTY PLEASE???]

(for all you nosy people who are not TLS but insist on reading said note, least you can do it go check him out \link\)

Self Restraint contradicts Hedonism
| 2:38 am | Comment ⇢
And as I label myself as a sort of hedonist, the whole self restraining thing would've never worked out dahhhling.

Words are bouncing around my head, and I feel a bit like mental if I don't use what space is rightfully mine and letting it out least they keep using my brain as a sound board and end up making me deaf or something.

I guess for a while I've been a bit (or trying to be anyway) restraining of things non-academic because I felt bad for not doing my work. But this, unsurprisingly, ended up with me not doing any academic work, or (to an extent) random procrastinating-from-work-but-otherwise-useful-shit kinda work. Lose-lose situation ya'know?

So I think I should just use and abuse like I'm supposed to and just shit it out. Constipation is like really bad for you dudes. Okay, I reaaaaally need to stop with the fascination with the bowels, I'm told its verrry unlady like. Gah, I don't know .. I'm chatting crap ... opps, its really hard you see?!?!

I have a feeling this will end up being one of those elephantine posts except there won't be much update-esque content and ya'll can sit and amuse yourselves with my pain and suffering while I use the whole not-talking-back blog as a therapist .. because REALLY, they don't say anything anyway (which is SO frustrating .. I mean wth, if I'm paying you, I want YOU to solve my problems, not ask me how I feel about it worded a gazillion different ways to mean the same shit anyway .. ultimately to force myself to fix myself which if I wanted to do, I'd do anyway instead of coming to you with money while you sit back doing jack shit .........) // yeah you get my drift. Or not. It doesn't matter really, since I'd rather get this shit out of my head and just leave me alone. Isn't that what therapy is about anyway? Talking out loud to yourself (really, thats what it really really is .. don't try and glorify it) so some mental measurer can say you aren't insane for talking to yourself .. what?


I'm in one of those places. Moods. Whatever.

Here is whats going to happen. I will hopefully at some point to go do my work (which is a shit load of essays, readings, revision, etc time wastery thanks to all ye bladdy feminists who think its not worthy to sit back with my legs apart, letting in & pushing out, with occasional cooking & cleaning when not otherwise pre-occupied [see above]) ... wayhay, I love brackets today.

Anyway, so yeah .. mid-work, which I seem to not be able to do anyway, I will need a break. And I think its best to use said break (which ends up being longer than work time) to just write whatever blahdeblehbloh here. But since its 2 somethingsomethingOMGitsalmost3 am, I'm going to do this later, but soon .. well if I go to work soon anyway. Or no .. SOOON.

Till then, I pray for my insanity level to be at some sustainable level.

And while you wait for some amusement or whatnots, listen to the other variation. Its like two sides but kinda feels like the same side after being scratched up a bit in time. Which really is what happened here anyway. So you should, once the post is done, for the general mood and what not, play the first one while you read the post, and by the time you're done, play the second song for general summary of feelings from said post content via song.

Or thats what should happen anyway.

PS - The whole sides thing and the song magically came to me while watching the Pilot ep of this new series called Grimm. Go search for it on the Google website [because saying Google It makes no kind of sense].

old | new