lil-bee: the randomizer

Nothing & A lot.
Thursday, May 30, 2013 | 10:49 pm | Comment ⇢
This is what I've been doing since my exams finished more than a week ago. Depending on your definition of doing things.

This is what I need to do:

- Clean my room. It is a HUGE dump. But I'm reluctant in getting started because I'm a OCD perfectionist and like clean my room once a year or something and then maintain that. Actually, the last time I cleaned, I did a real good job so all I've had to do was quick maintenance. But I'm also a slob, because of the perfectionist, I think hey this room is dirty and I can't just quick fix, so I let it accumulate and so now its a dump. But I don't want to get started because it will take forever. Moving things, cleaning them, rearranging them, getting rid of books, long things.

- Actually, thinking about it, all the reorganisation and moving things around, the recycling and the reselling and the regifting and all that jazz kind of falls under room cleaning (seriously, its a BIG thorough job).

- Organise, plan and execute my dissertation. I need to have it roughly done and complete by 10th July. I'll have the entire months of July and August to do cosmetic changes before handing it in early September. But yeah, lazing. Cos I swear I have ADD.

- Sort out photographs from the last 3 - 4 years. Or something like that. I'm like super trigger happy so this is literally thousands of photographs. Plus I can't just upload them, the designer / photographer / nerd in me needs to process them through Lightroom first. LONG. And don't even get me started on actual photography stuff from my Flickr. Though I am excited about posting up my new stuff (3 new lens, one of which includes MACRO bitch what), I am also nervous because holy moly the people I follow (okay all / most professional photogs) ARE SO GOOD.

- Read and hear religious lectures, books, etc. Ramadan prep so I can maximise the experience (and feel less ashamed to keep asking for countless stuff that He totally delivers, without doing anything to feel even remotely deserving of it).

- Learn to cook. Like serious learning. And bake more.

- Exercise, sort out my diet (more healthy shit) and lose weight. Yeah these two are oxymoron plans.

- Start taking care of myself, in health, spirituality & social life. Because holy moly, I haven't seen a lot of people in AGES.

- Start writing up the million half written things I've got planned for my blogs, my stories, etc.

- Read more academic stuff. Which I only feel like reading when I need to be reading other academic stuff for actual credited work.

This is what I've been doing instead:

- Completely messing up my sleeping pattern (horrid for the migraine) and walking around like a tired non productive zombie.

- I DID sort out some pictures. Like 500 out of literally 18'000. Shit.

- On that front, I did exercise like a crazy motherchucker the other day. Because people were annoying me and I was like PISSED OFF. Anger is a great motivation technique. I just imagined people's heads under my feet while I cruised on the lateral thigh trainer, high speed! I've never done it so hard and for so long before. Yeah, I have issues.

- Tried to catch up on my TV shows that I've kind of lagged behind for the last 4 years. Okay, I watched TV, but only a few shows, not all the ones I follow. So I have a lot to catch up on.

- While watching shows, I've wasted time researching random shit they show. For interest. And for suspicion. I think I might have Borderline Personality Disorder. Well, I know I have hypochondria so thats not really a surprise. *

- I read and finished two books. Nothing academic or worth screaming about though. Guilty pleasures. That are messing up my eyes.

- And a whole lot of nothing. I haven't even played games, or enjoyed life. I'm just ... man, so tired and lazy. I cancelled on a bunch of people and only went out one.

- OH WAIT. I totally forgot! I went to two awesome lectures at LSE (ew). One for my all time academic love of my life, Dr Chang (and it was chaired by the amazing Dr Wade. Double whammy). Another for a great man from my nation, Dr Yunus.

- AND I went to see my all time favorite band, Muse, for the 4th time :) they keep getting better and better, I swear :) My hijab stayed in place, despite the intense head banging and moshing, I got to stand at the barrier = clear view ... AND ... I touched Matt Bellamy's amazingly talented hand (and his mic, so by proxy his mouth).

- Oh, I also had some experiences with a few crazy people and got into a semi-argument, defending capitalism (and Dr Yunus), to a kind of good friend of mine. But we're cool. It was intense though haha. I felt like hitting her LOL. Yeah I'm a violent person (BPD*) and I don't like people disagreeing or trying to prove me wrong haha.

- Also, I've decided to reply to everyone and everything I disagree with using a Northern accent and this line: You know nothin Jon Snow (and of course, the accompanying scowl).

- I need to remember to do these posts and reply to people's messages. I swear, I don't know how I have friends because I am so worthless at responses :O

* Random, but I got a letter from UCL telling me I missed my appointment so they are discharging me. What the what? They already discharged me, months ago & I never got re-referred by my GP so I'm like say whaaaa? So I need to also call them and find out whats happening.

PS: I was going to write something after this post but my womb's decided it wants to play dodge ball with itself so yeah. Totally lost all coherent thoughts.



Saturday, May 25, 2013 | 7:12 pm | Comment ⇢
I swear, my cousin R, is actually the r-word, personified. I swear, he is just a fucking douchebag. Actually socially inept. He's just the biggest asshole I have ever met, ever.

Out of the many asshole things he has done, here's the most recent one:

So my two cousins are going out to get food. I ask the younger one, if he can get my stuff from Shop B instead of Shop A, and he's like yeah cool. Shop B is literally next door to Shop A. While I'm telling him what I want, his douchebag older brother (who is a month younger than me and did I say, the BIGGEST ASSHOLE ON THE PLANET), R, walks by and is all like what?! Why can't you just get something from Sams?! Ughhh. And makes the face.

I want to bitch slap him with my used sanitary pads. Why is he acting like its SUCH a huge trek. He's so fucking annoying. He always says and does the most stupid shit, I swear he's fucked in the head. So am I so I can say these things (basically piss off you politically correct turd-heads).

I swear, I just really really really want to be able to rant and actually punch him one day, when he pushes me too far, and where I can slap him with a sanitary pad (okay, maybe just throw one at him, one that hasn't been used ... and fantasise that its totally a used one while I do it) and say its because he was being a douche to me while I was PMSing.

Once we were at a wedding and I was filming. He was next to me so I said hey, R, can you hold this please? He makes the face and says why should I, its not mine. I snapped at him .. cos seriously, what the fuck?

I feel for his wife son. Unless she's a douche like him too. God knows they exist too.

Fucking people. I miss my horses.

| 1:00 pm | Comment ⇢
So something bad happened and someone I thought I knew has literally left me shaking, with anger, fear, shock .. maybe all three. Anyway I think I will take a break before talking about it because I'm starting to feel a bit sick, with the heart palpitation so I just need to divert myself and calm down.

This is what I've been doing to distract myself:

| 1:47 am | Comment ⇢
I finished my exam a few days ago. And have been feeling like not having the energy to do ANYTHING. Except watch TV or read books on my Kindle. Sorry folks ... I'll hopefully get my act together soon! Especially since my mother, the Professor, is ON MY CASE about doing my dissertation IN A MONTH. I mean ... she thinks PhD theses are a piece of cake (because she only had to invent a new operational method, not write 100'000 words + Harvard Referencing) so imagine how much importance to gives to a Masters thesis. SIGHSIGHSIGH. Are all university academics so hard-balled? Or is it just my very special luck? Anyway, also, I have to upload like literally thousands of photographs from 2011 onwards (maybe even some from 2010) and they are taking FOREVER. Frickin ... OH AND I think my classmate is totally coo-koo. I sent him a few emails (like literally 2, one on uni account and one on FB) which he didn't reply to so I wrote on his wall: Hey hope you're okay! We're worried about you! So suddenly he quickly replied (via inbox) that he's fine, so I try to speak to him a bit more like where have you been, etc (small talk cos he's just some guy in my class, we're not really friends) and he goes: I'm going to sleep, please don't write on my wall again. Good night. WHAT THE FUCK?!


Anyway, I've been a bad cat, so here's a picture of one:

Sunday, May 19, 2013 | 1:04 am | Comment ⇢
I swear, I'm done with this shit. No more exams for me in ages please. Maybe not even Accounting. Hmmmm. I just can't take it.

Compare my archives from this time last year(s). In a way this is good as I'm not completely wasting time and working a bit earlier (2-3 days rather than the day before an exam) but this doesn't mean much given that this Masters is intense level of shit (compared to my Undergrad) & I'm too old for :(

Please.pray. Am feeling sleepy but will try and FORCE myself to do at least one more topic inshAllah ... cos yeah, can't hack 5 topics tomorrow!

PS - Exam is on the 20th so ya'll better pray .. and actually pray when you say you will! PLEASE!!! I'll love you forever (if the prayer holds .. we'll see after results haha)



Okay Alhamdullilah did the last topic. Now 3 main topics (and two back ups / quick summaries ... which I might allow, depending on time constraints) left for tomorrow! Will try and limit sleep to 5 hours and wake up for 9! 

Okay so I decided to allow two topics (one main, one back up) and so end number of topics is now 7 (with last two briefly looked at). Exam needs answering of three questions but they are all highly linked up like its some orgy -___- annoying.

Will iA finish up last topic and sleep by 1:30 am, 6 hours sleep & wake up at 6:30 am and revise till 12:30 pm inshAllah inshAllah inshAllah.

Pray for me!!!

Why am I such a masochist?
Friday, May 17, 2013 | 1:58 am | Comment ⇢

Guys _/\_
Thursday, May 16, 2013 | 2:39 am | Comment ⇢
People are so predictable. So I don't know if I told you guys this but there's this kinda famous really awesome and GOOD (in terms of his work) techie I follow .. and one of a reasons why I follow him is because he's from the same country as me (I don't want to mention shiz cos he might Google LOL) ... and okay so I've TOTALLY had a huge crush on him (I don't know what he looks like but I LOVE his work) because I'm a nerdstitute so thats what I do. Anyway so I randomly messaged him saying you know its amazing that he's representing our country and his work is amazing, etc. And then he messaged back and I got totally hype cos he's like got thousand followers and whatever right. Anyway all was going great, I was learning about how he got started in the industry, etc and generally getting all NERDGASM and what not ... till he asked me the most baithead sleezeball question: you on Facebook?

Seriously, when I read that I actually FLOPPED DOWN. Here I was thinking this is some awesome guy (judged through his work) and he asks me for my FB. I mean, who does that? I'll tell you who, SLEEZEBALLS. I mean I was talking to him about his work, and really enjoying it. And okay so I totally have a crush on him, but HE doesn't know that does he? So basically he's basically (yeah whatever, doubles are the new whatevers) asked a complete stranger (this is a work profile so my picture is vaguely available, but you can't really see my face, just half my eye, because my face / head is being obstructed from the view because of my DSLR & lens) about their facebook. Only sleezeballs do that. So anyway yeah totally disappointed and annoyed me. I don't have FB atm (exams, plus its generally full of drama and distraction so I keep away anyway) but even if I did, I most definitely wouldn't give it to him. I don't even get why people ask complete strangers for their FB. I'll tell you why, because they are sleezeballs.

Ugh. I am just really disappointed. I thought he was a great guy but it seems like he's a sleezeball! Anyway I told him I didn't do Facebook because of exams, etc. And then I thought I BET HE ASKS ME HOW OLD I AM. Guess what? HE ASKED ME HOW OLD I AM. Whats the point of this exercise anyway? How is this talking about his work? Like what does he think will happen? He also asked me about my studies so I told him I'm doing my post-grads and I bet he won't reply now / reply once and back the fuck down. Because sleezeballs don't like educated people. And because I refused to tell him my age. Or add him on Facebook.

Errrr. GUYS. Aghhh. Anyway. Maybe I've just got overly high standards and he ISN'T a sleezeball. I don't know .. am I overreacting? Is he really a sleezeball? Does he want to marry me (HAHA)? Let me know FFs!

PS - Last time I used FFs, I think maybe it might be coming across as for fucks sake, but when I said FFs I meant this -> linky.

Edit: So after 24 hours, I can confirm that he has indeed run away which just confirms that he is indeed a sleeze. Even if he had been persistent, I’m sure my scarf would have scared him away, if not the other things. Why? Well .. this guy, being a techie, is ALL over the internet. Like I said, I was really into his work (which I still think is pretty amazing & sexy!) so I mostly stayed on his work pages but earlier I checked out his Pinterest & Instagram (he has a lot of design resources I’ve used before, mostly from his work page but anyhow) and zomfg he has some pervy pins up. Like of practically naked women. Ew. I mean okay I know some guys are into that shit [okay, when I say some guys, I mean techies are baitly into that shit] … but I just don’t get why its considered acceptable to openly be a perv?! Like other guys at least hide that shit -___- guys are stupid. Before I blocked all guys on Instagram, I used to follow my family friend who would often joke to me (and my cousin, separately) about getting married .. and you know how Instagram shows up a feed of activities of people you follow? Well his activity would regularly come up with liking all these different girls naked (practically) pictures. How fucking dumb is that? Like okay you gonna ‘joke’ hit on two girls who follow you, while liking naked pictures for the whole world to see? Its just so sleeze. So yeah, this guy, TOTAL sleeze. OH and not only that, I found out he has a girlfriend! I mean, who asks a random girl about their Facebook, after barely conversing with them, while they have a girlfriend? I’ll tell you who, sleezeballs. I mean this whole thing has just left me BAFFLED. What was even the point?! I have no hope for the future. Also, why is it that statistically, sciency / techy guys just forget about their religion? Twats. 

Hijab for Men
Wednesday, May 15, 2013 | 11:16 pm | Comment ⇢
Hey so seems like everyone is jumping up and down on how women should dress and behave but they completely forget about the other side of the coin? Guys are supposed to be in hijab as well, yet I see guys wearing tight tank tops and short shorts and walking around topless?! Hells-to-the-no. Islam has rules about BOTH genders so really .. sort yourselves out!

This post says it best so I will refrain from saying anything more (I don't believe in this rise of hijab debate, about what is or isn't and how HEY YOU SHOULD JUST TAKE IT OFF ANYWAY. Really? Awesome sauce, thats EXACTLY the kind of thing HUMAN sisters struggling with the hijab need to hear. Great for pointing out the flaws in others, instead of giving them proper naseehah in private, and poking fun at them in the name of religion. ANY 'good' is better than no good, in my opinion). 

| 10:45 pm | Comment ⇢
So I met Chang. And Robert Wade (another AMAZING guy / heterodox economist I read). They are both rockstars. Actual Gs.

While I was walking to LSE, I was speaking to my friend but Dr Chang, looked up and HE WAS NEXT TO ME. Totally should have spoken to him but he was with two other people (one I later found out was Wade) and I was totally freaking out like a groupie (which I am) and was too scared to speak to him and started all shaking and red-facing and what not.


Tuesday, May 14, 2013 | 11:46 pm | Comment ⇢
So I try to pretend like I don't care about The Accountant .. and to be honest, I don't think about him at all (okay, maybe rarely I do, but key word, RARELY) when I'm going about my business. But then my heart (I cringe whenever I write this word and its not related to my hypochondria) does a HOLDONADAMNMINUTESIR and flips the finger to my brain, going: hahaha I still reign your life you delusional twit, and I'm all like shit damn. This usually happens when I hear mum/aunty/loud-Asian-women chit-chat about this or that auntie's son getting married and then I start freaking out thinking that they mean The Accountant.

1. I need to learn his mums name so I don't keep freaking out. Because it is tres lame.

2. I need to get over this fool, pronto-toronto!

3. I need a man to help me get over this fool. This man needs to be better than The Accountant in some obvious ways so that I can stroke my ego and feel like I've got one over him.

4. I need to stop being such a pussy idiot.

5. I need to stop wasting time on blogger and go study for my LAST EXAM (inshAllah).  

Nice up top
Monday, May 13, 2013 | 11:57 pm | Comment ⇢
You know whats nice? When you get bloggers, like REALLY successful ones with large followings and bare comments, taking the time to reply to you. Its really nice, and what the blogosphere is all about (interaction). Kind of puts me off when authors don't take the time to reply to the very audience they are apparently writing for. Okay, theres only so many nice, cool, lols, you can reply to .. but to ignore actual questions .. c'mon now. ANYHOO, heres the the nice people!


Half the battle ...
| 11:55 pm | Comment ⇢
Well. I'll have a long arse post ready for after exams to tell you ALL about the shenanigans. Halfway (well a bit more) done ... 1 week (and 1 dissertation) away from being done with my Masters!

HAH. To think I was ACTUALLY contemplating a SECOND Masters (I swear I have some masochist tendencies) .. and not just at a laid back university, but the REAL deal at like Oxbridge. Yeah I'm crazy.


I wish I was in a kitchen. I swear. 

For the Have-To High-rollers
Friday, May 10, 2013 | 3:30 pm | Comment ⇢
This is why

| 11:56 am | Comment ⇢

Marxists are sexy. But only in theory.

But now you can fantasise your theories! Read Cosmarxpolitan today! 

Thursday, May 09, 2013 | 11:29 pm | Comment ⇢
Yeah. Swearing without swearing. Mitch what?

Anyway lol. I was just thinking ... I've got these stats telling me I've got followers. Where you at folks? Why don't you say anything (except the usual suspects .. even they have stopped showing me regular love :( lol) ... I mean I've been told I'm intimidating, but I promise you I'm not. Unless you say something stupid .. like hey I'm following you, follow me back! I mean .. what kind of comment is that? Firstly, I can SEE that you are following me .. so why must you tell me that you are? Secondly, don't TELL me to do anything. Sheesh. I check out the people who follow me, and more often than not I'll follow back. Cos ya'know.

Anyway I SWEAR I'M NICE. Lol haha, none of my friends liked me the first time they met me (except a few who got me off the bat) ... and then they were like OMFGYOUAREAWESOMEILOVEYOU. Pretty much true story of my life. Anyway.

Also, I have a migraine. Also the story of my life (of late). I can't afford to have a migraine. I have exams (another story of my life but one that will be put on a long pause after 20th May inshAllah!). This current one crept up after the pressure-fest that was my first exam. Thought I took care of it with the epsom + dead sea salt soak & a long sleep. Apparently not. Tried to kill with some Advil. Its back again today. Feels like one of those uber-douchey 3 day ones. Shit. Might have to get the big boys out - triptans. But don't know if its just my body being an idiot or these are actually auras. Hmmm. Darn it.



Monday, May 06, 2013 | 2:19 am | Comment ⇢
So my exam is on the 7th. I kind of dossed around these past few days and thus was not able to cover all the topics on time. I've so far written up 4 lecture notes but those only amount to around 1 and a half exam questions I'd be happy and able to answer. So I'm going to be doing an all-nighter (despite telling myself I wasn't going to since it almost killed me the last time) and hopefully be done writing the notes by 10:30 am, 6th of May, inshAllah, before I head off to la-la-land for a quick 3 hour nap. Then I plan to wake up around 2 pm and get to reading, re-reading and rewriting my notes into summaries and essay plans, re-reading again till about 12 pm before heading off to bed for a 8 hour sleep before my exam on the 7th. Please make dua for me, I'm quite stressed about this one! 

Sunday, May 05, 2013 | 2:01 am | Comment ⇢
While I've been grappling with the different political theory used to complicatedly explain the economic phenomena I've been learning for the past 5 years, I once again came across the work of the lovely Alice Amsden and remembered the painful beginning of a particularly invigorating lecture I attended back in 2012. It was part of my Political Economy of Development course and this particular lecture was given by Christopher Cramer (AMAZING man) and after reading his work, I was looking forward to hear him in person.

As I mentioned, the lecture was extremely interesting and alive, so to speak. You could feel the enthusiasm and belief from Prof Cramer's words as he walked around the stage, making even graphs appear interesting. Anyway, at some point at the beginning of the lecture, while I was dreaming away about evenings filled with ground breaking heterodox economics oriented chit chat with some cheese and Prof Cramer and pals (this was when he started reminiscing about an evening spent with Amsden and I think Amartya Sen), he suddenly mentioned how unfortunate it was that Alice had passed away. That snapped me right out of my fantasy (though okay, it usually involved me being the only female intellect but whatevs, Alice was super cool) and I think I would have been more upset had I had the time to process the information fully, before Dr Cramer continued with the lecture.

Anyway, after that life happened and while running around reading different authors, different theories, different topics, it kind of slipped my mind / I didn't really stop to think about the loss. But right now, while sitting alone at 2 am trying to revise because I'm oh so behind my schedule, I just got to thinking about how much of a loss it truly was. And how lucky the students who fall under the pupilage of these amazing academics are. I've had a small share of great lecturers in my life and they all have given me back in ways that I'll never forget. But to truly be in the presence of legends, academic rockstars whose work I've poured over and excitedly agreed with, THAT would have been amazing. And while I'll never get that chance with Dr Amsden (may God grant her peace), I have SO many opportunities available here in London and really ought to grasp them before its too late.

I've mentioned the sad reality of the decline in gaining knowledge for the sake of it, but in order to overcome this, I fully plan on stalking and attending lecturers by admired academics, post-graduation, back at the home grounds as well as across enemy lines and in the land of doom (LSE). Sure there is a chance that they aren't as brilliant in person as on paper(s) but thats a chance I'm willing to take because there is equally the chance of them changing my life and making an impact as huge as their work have made in my life.

So cheers to that! 

Wednesday, May 01, 2013 | 11:59 pm | Comment ⇢
I haven't really ever been worried about exams before. I've worried about my topics not coming up .. and I've worried about not being able to finish writing up my notes before the exams started ( but I never worried about understanding / interpreting and writing answers to exam questions.

Looking at the exam papers, they've worded that shit up so complicatedly ... that I'm seriously worried they can't be overcome with my mad bullshitting skills. 

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