So I should be more calm because unlike every other time in my life, I'm starting revision 7 days before exams (and not 12 hours before) ... except I'm just realising that Masters is so much more complicated and I'm an overconfident idiotic dick.

Anyhoo, taking breaks from freaking out by reading Cosmopolitan this:

So I looked at the past exam papers and I'm FREAKING THE EFF OUT. Please pray for me. I swear this will be the last time I will do an essay/exam based course inshAllah. Never again. PhD isn't really essay/exams though obviously a thesis is a form of essay and so is the oral viva, etc. And accounting is like short and relatively straight-forward / common sense (for me) questions so. InshAllah please Allah let me be done with this. I'm totally scrapping my second Masters plan (LOLWUT am I mad). 

We were joined by special guests at SOAS today. LSE petting zoo ain't got nothin on us! 8-) 

Its so funny :D

Done by the Dev Dept in Columbia: linkywinky

Ha-Joon Chang was at SOAS earlier (my university) and I didn't even know about it till now. FUCK MY LIFE. This is bullshit.

:'(

I'm gonna run off and cry now. I COULD HAVE TOUCHED HIM. I could have gotten his autograph. I'm actually gonna cry.

//PMS shit.

THIS SUCKS BUTT. 

But even without knowing the language, this video was just too damn funny and cheeky :D

Linky

#Procrastination 

Dr Chang was ranked as the 3rd most economist in Prospect Magazine's World Thinkers of 2013. You can see the results here: linky.  

Yo, someone's been +1-ing my posts (thanks!) but I can't see who it is. SHOW YOURSELF. Please, so I can properly thank you or accuse you of being a stalker. Kthnkxbai. 

Some of my essays have been accused of taking too much of an economic stance. This is bad because my Masters is not in economics, but rather in the multidisciplinary field of development studies that encompasses economics along with a wide range of other subjects such as politics, sociology, history, geography, etc. It is kind of bad then, that I take that criticism as praise, (because I'm an econ fanboi) as it could lead to an imbalanced interpretation of issues in development that could lead to lower marks. Ah well.

Two more essays to do. I was doing the last essay I submitted, today at 8:30 am .. well, till 8:30 am. Then I went to sleep because I was going all cray-cray (you can see what lack of sleep does to me here) and 'woke' up at around 2 .. and by that I mean I was snoozing in and out (with some crazy ass weirdness in between where I was revising in my head / hallucinating about essays, etc.) and finally decided to just get up and work at 2 pm. Except its not 5 pm and I haven't really started my essay. I'm a perfectionist and also a procrastinator (a LPP as I like to say) so its really hard for me to rush and do these essays but I kind of have to now. Deadline is 11:59 pm tomorrow so I need to divide up and hand one in today and last one tomorrow. I handed in two essays earlier in the week, well one today (am) and another last night day dawn and I'm going a bit .. mental. Well more mental than usual.

Anyway I'm gonna go now because why the hell am I sitting here instead of doing my essay?

Usual random craziness for ya'll. 

Economic columnists, surprisingly or not, can be extremely catty to each other over differing economic ideologies. Case in point is this hilarious (well, kind of .. I think so) and awesome article by Naim bashing the Washington Consensus. You can read more of his work here and though I won't say they are all catty, there are some really good resources on alternative interpretations to orthodox neoclassical/neoliberal literature (I'm especially interested to see what he says about Venezuela's growth strategy). I think he does a weekly column!

While we're on the subject, I HAVE to mention Stiglitz for being ballsy enough to stand up to the IMF (and the World Bank) even when it cost him his job as Chief Economist of the World Bank. And while we're talking about bashing the Washington Consensus, you can read Stiglitz criticising the IMF in this New Republic (which is awesome and has some great works) article here. 

Don't die.

As usual, I've wasted around a week, lolling about & not doing my essays. And now, from tomorrow, I'll literally have a day each to do 3'000 word essays, 4 essays in by Friday. I haven't even started them. Shit. I always do this, freak out at night, promise myself I'll do it tomorrow and forget about it the next morning. I'm REALLY hoping it won't be as bad as last year when I had to do 5 essays IN A DAY, but if I don't get a move on, I know thats exactly what I'll end up having to do. I'm more than willing to bet the same will happen during exams, except I really REALLY can't afford to cram / learn mere hours before my exam, as I have done my whole life. Masters just doesn't roll that way. And again, instead of doing the work, I'm back on Blogger, faffing about. I know I probably won't get anything done today, so I'm going to force myself to pick questions for the next four essays (I know, I haven't even PICKED ugh), and sort out their Bibliographies (Harvard referencing is a bitch that takes forever to die) ... hopefully by tonight. I'm guessing I'll have to force myself to do all nighters, but since thats when I start getting my panic attacks, I really don't know how that will work out. I keep telling myself I can do it (and Alhamdullilah I can, cos I've done it before) but still freak out that I can't .. and worry that I can't do it in terms of actually doing the work / on time, rather than capability. Ugh, such a mess.

I hate coursework. I hate studying. I hate having to 'work' and I hate having high ambitions in life that require it. I hate that I haven't / can't / probably won't ever put in the work I need to get it. 

I can't WAIT for this summer. InshAllah I'll be done with my exams and when I finish my dissertation, I am *DONE with education. I just can't believe that I will finally be FREE. Unlike the last few years where being free was akin to preparing for the next step, be it the first or second year of A levels, the years of undergrad, or most recently, my Masters. To know that I'll truly be free, done with studying. I mean .. wow. Though I say this, maybe I'll end up missing it and stress about getting a job, getting married, having kids, blah blah blah. But man, I will NOT be missing these deadlines I swear. And as a treat, I'll be going to Taiwan to attend my family-friend cousin's wedding part II inshAllah :) I CANNOT WAIT. Of course I wish I was going to Korea or Japan rather than Taiwan, but Taiwan is number 3 on the list so its all good :) now I just need to do this and be DONE.


* I will likely never / not in the next 10 years, be done done with education. Because I have plans to get a PhD like mum. And also because I want to get an Accounting qualification (I KNOW, I swear boredom came from kingdom of bore .. but still, I think it makes strategic sense). I've always been good at math .. and it takes less time than writing 3'000 word essays / reports full of Harvard referencing and what not. BUT I think they will be different. A PhD is more about research rather than being directed to what is right / wrong. I will be about MY ideas / interpretations / etc. And there won't really be a real deadline breathing down my neck (maybe this is a bad thing) so at least it will be relatively stress-free. As for the oral viva, I'm a damn good talker, especially if I know what I'm talking about (productive bullshitting) and have had some anxiety pills to keep me calm before hand (and its top grade too. Anything [propranolol] good enough for a sniper is good enough for me!). And the accounting this is mostly exams (unless I decide to do a paper and get a second degree which I'll likely do because what do I have to lose [other than my sanity]?) and I'm GOOD at exams, and its a lot of numbers and common sense (for me) so yeah. I can also take the exams one at a time AND get paid while doing it so .. win, win kerching.

Anyway. I really should shut up and get back to my essays now. Fucking daydreams. 

I love you and want to feed you with Sam. K, that is all. 

My mum went to this wedding (yes ANOTHER one .. God) and when she came back, she was telling me who went. She inevitably HAD to mention The Accountant. I don't know why she does this to me, she's supposed to be my MOTHER, not some taunting Indian-Serial-Villain-Aunty. I was prepared for it so the whole time I tried to keep my facial reaction on check & when she mentioned The Accountant, I had to pinch my hand, act nonchalant and carry on conversing. I don't even know what the point of this exercise is. Either she doesn't know the affect he has on me (which is unlikely cos I sat and planned on how to seduce him with her and why would I want to seduce someone unless I really wanted them?) or she wants mention of him to kickstart me on losing what she thinks is / was holding him back: my weight / my scarf. I am firmly trying to convince myself its because he's already involved .. in a secret relationship .. with a MAN. Whatever I need to help me sleep at night right?

No wonder this is half our deen. This shit is complex and overwhelming .. and thats before the actual marriage is done. Apparently the actual institution is MUCH more harder. Well, at least I'll have the sex to get my mind off things when it gets too difficult. As it stands, I have no reason or incentive to keep going through this shit, this side of the camp.

Ugly motherfuckin days. 

Ever since I've started to up my skincare routine and use SPF without fail, etc, etc. I've gotten WAY pale. And I hate it. I've always loved and fantasised about having a golden glow light brown colour .. I even slathered myself in baby oil once and sat outside in the sun (while covering my head cos I get migraines otherwise) and it just made me a bit red. I know, I read that and go holy shit what I was thinking with the cancer accelerator?! Anyhoo, since I can't stay in the sun / tan, I went on the fake route for ages. I was obsessed and I had the orange palms to prove it. Everyone knew about my obsession and took the piss out of it. Even after all that .. I never achieved the results I dreamed of.

I have two friends who inspired this obsession in me. One was a pale Indian boy who always got the nicest golden glow tan every holiday. I mean it was amazing. Most brownsians (I swear most of us are a weird off-white colour anyway so I don't know why we call ourselves brown) don't have nice tans. We just get a bit murky and it looks dull and dirty, not nice and glowy. I don't know if that makes sense and I wish I could share pictures of my friend while he's tanned cos you see it and you see a picture of like my dad or something and you can tell the difference between what I want and why its different (its glowing and shit!).

The one friend was this SUPER nice (I always smile when I see her without fail) mixed race girl. She was some complex mixes: part Japanese, part Pacific Islander (I'm thinking Fiji but I'm not sure) and other stuff (look its complex and I forget) with the most AMAZING skin I have seen ever. Its a beautiful brown, it glows (look, I know I've over used this but there is no other way to describe it) and its just ughhhh I WANT IT. I always ALWAYS say this to her and she's like we're the same colour and I'm like NO I'M NOT :'(

Part of the reason why I want it is because it looks so damn nice. I love it. Another part is the need for an even skintone. I wish I was ONE colour. Instead, my face is a weird shade of pale, paler and even more pale as you go inwards. Especially near my cheeks, where the inner parts are weird and pink. Then you go to my body, my feet are just murky and weird. I hate my feet (and generally all other feet). Then you go to my calfs and its a STRIKING pale colour. Because I think I only exposed them to sunlight like twice. Thats what I find strange, how they JUMP from one colour to another, instead of some nice progressive gradient shading. Then you've got my knees, which have a darker than anywhere in my body patch of rectangular/square on my knee caps. And since the rest of me is weirdly pale, they stand out even more. You come to my arms and its the same story as my legs. Except there is some gradient-shading going on there are it gets from darker to lighter from my hands upwards. But the most weirdest part is where my neck connects my head to my abdomen. My shoulders and chest are the same pale as my body. My neck is a block of dark. And then you get to my head and its .. well its a million shades of weird. I wish I was like my complex-mix friend whose the same nice shade everywhere. Well .. everywhere I've seen.

The final reason I wish I was darker? My skins some over-sensitive dry fool that gets marked real quick. And cos its so dry, it doesn't have the ability to heal scars and marks last forever. Like that time my cousin scratched my face when we were both one-digit old and I STILL have it. Or the time I had a hockey accident and my foot got banged up, STILL there. And what not. And because I'm so pale, the marks are SUPER noticeable. Especially on my face. Ugh.

I hate my life. 

Apparently, more than you think. Watch this cool 3 minute video and see why:


PS - since I already think I'm hot, I must actually be on fire ;) LOL x

With the except of one of my brothers, all my brothers have done / are doing / will (hope) to go into the hard sciences. By brothers I mean cousins both maternal and paternal. I'm not counting my sisters as I've grown up with the boys and also consider myself one.

Only reason why I mention is because I was talking to my youngest boy cousin (or err .. maybe second youngest. I'm Asian, I have LOTS of cousins) about further education / path in life and wanted to give him advice as I feel like we have very similar interests / strengths, etc. Like we're both into the more creative side such as graphic designing (photoshop, though more photographic / manipulation for me and more vector / creation of graphics for him), etc. We also have an interest in the social sciences (well I think a few of my cousins took economics / math but they didn't find it as interesting / easy as us).

Being Asian, families have put pressure on the boys to get into hard sciences / typical Asian subjects. Like all my male maternal cousins (except the one in Canada) are doctors while all my male paternal cousins are engineers. In contrast, I'm ALL about the social sciences. I think the hard sciences are gross and boring (ew) and I just don't feel the same kind of fascination as I do when studying the social sciences. I really feel like it would be an injustice if my cousin wasn't allowed the same freedoms to experience this fascination (which I know he will appreciate compared to others) and have been talking to him about economics and what not. His parents forced his older brother to do medicine and as they can see how much he doesn't enjoy it / feel the pressure and what not, they've kind of eased up on the younger boy.

And so I've taken this opportunity to tell him how AMAZING the social sciences are :P I love it so much & find the study of people and life (at a non cellular interactive real level) extremely exhilarating and enlightening. I mean, I can find new meanings and interpretations every day.

I think about how great it is that I was able to pursue this and I really hope my cousin can experience this as well. Though that being said, he still feels like he would be ousted in their brotherhood for being the only one without a Dr at the front of his name. I keep telling him that he can get that through a doctorate anyway :P plus, it gives me someone to share talks with without them looking at me with a blank uninterested face.
Hmm, maybe I SHOULD marry a social scientist after all (I most certainly don't want a doctor) .. I'll just have to make sure he's not an economist. Or if he is, a heterodox one at least. Preferably Korean ;)

Illusion is better than reality in my experience. Every.single.time. Maybe thats just the way it is, or maybe I just have an overly optimistic, perfectionist, far-from-reality imagination. Sucks to be me when they never live up to who I thought they were.

/ is that why we surround ourselves with mystery and illusion? To prevent people from finding out the truth? But it seems like this person is doing it to portray an image of themselves who they clearly are not in reality.

//maybe the fault lies with me? Maybe I am assuming reality to be based off my perceptions, my illusions? Perhaps the transition from illusion to reality is distorted due to differences in interpretations rather than deceptions. Perhaps the truth is merely a social construct ...

///confused? I'm only just starting to get it ..

God doesn't owe you shit. He doesn't need you to pray to Him. So I really don't get why you go around acting like an arrogant bum proud of his accomplishments (drinking till you puke) as if you're winning in life by trying so hard to do everything we aren't supposed to as if to prove a point? I mean seriously? I wish I could tell him IDGAF and nor does God but unlike him I still need to be wary of my actions since the only person getting affected by them will be me. So I decide to bitch about it instead. Ugh, so annoying!

Shubho Nobo Borsho people!

Yes, the timing this year sucks & I'm finding it hard to celebrate all things Bangla but keep on going because things can only get better this time next year inshAllah (I mean how much worse can we get?!) and thats something to look forward to eh?

Parentals went to some event as per usual though they didn't do the whole traditional red&white shaari + pitha in the afternoon thing (I can't remember if they ever did the shaari thing, though they most definitely did the pitha thing before). You can read up about this wonderful inclusive holiday (that involves BANGALIs, not just people from Bangladesh yo) here (wiki).

Any 90210 (the new remake) fans remember Mr Cannon (the guy who was about to molest Naomi in some season finale or something ... yes that was the last I had time / patience to watch)? Well a while ago (think months) I was watching a lecture by Professor Costas Lapavitsas (nope, still wasting time and being last minute AS PER USUAL and hating myself. It had nothing to do with my essay and I randomly remembered him while reading something by my super cool Marxist Canadian professor who swears and talks about protests and poutine [which what the hell, why don't we have?!] because he made us read lots of Costas for this seminar I once took) and thinking to myself .. he's kinda hot but looks oddly familiar, how do I know him? Have I run into him at university? Maybe he doesn't look so hot in real life before I would have DEFINITELY remembered running into him if he did ... and then at some point it clicked! Mr Cannon (who happens to be British) and Mr Costas look like twins! I mean obvs I prefer PROFESSOR (not Mr, soz) C but wow, don't you think the resemblance is canny?!

Mr Cannon & Mr (Professor) Costas. Click and tell me I'm right, betches. (Even if you don't watch the show, just go compare their faces or something anyway just because).

PS - I'm sorry for the number of brackets in this post. Also, my attention lasted literally 23 minutes before I spent 20 minutes wasting time I don't have. I'm such a waste in life. Really. Ugh. //self-hate.

PPS - Okay fudge that link and go watch his lecture cos he looks better there (I'm starting to think maybe I DID run into him and he looked like his picture than his video in real life but that can't be true plus his work is kinda complex and hot plus he's not just DR Costas, he's a fricking PROFESSOR).

PPPS - OMG this PS is epic! While I was writing this I thought hmm I swear Mr Cannon (the real actor man) is Turkish and Prof Costas is like Greek so I looked into it and omg I was right so like they could totally be lost brothers or something ... THEY LOOK SO ALIKE!

I'm not always politically correct (a bit racist but nothin serious) but this shit I just read on someone's blog is just really not funny in any way. Seriously, dafuq?

"One crime you would love to get away with?
Well if I'm getting away with it, I'd go with something on a massive scale. Genocide, I think. Nothing makes me feel better than subjugating and then annihilating an entire race of people."

Actually dafuq. And I think he's *brownasian too. DAFUQ?

*ex Muslim apparently. 

What the fuck is it to you, what I do or don't do, who I speak to and who I don't. Don't ask me questions when you're just waiting like a prissy bitch, to give me a lecture on issues I already know, just because thats the only way you can get off.

Why is it that Asians have 'advice' for all the people in the world, but don't seem to pay even a minuscule of that attention to their own affairs? You can try and show other people up but the only thing thats going to count on the Day of Judgement is your own damn deeds so lets worry about that shall we? 

Meh post title but I had a hard time trying to find a code to do this so thought I'll be pretty straightforward so others can find this if they need to. Plus I haven't done a tech geek post in a while so .. ;D

I've been looking for a code to search my blog posts for a while. Found some generic HTML codes to do this online but they just wouldn't work / wouldn't display the results in an appropriate place, etc. So I had given up ... till just now when I randomly thought that I really need a search bar and there HAS to be one out there somewhere that works! Well, after much Googling around, I looked at some HTML template files and found the code, tried it out .. and it worked! It was super easy and oh so useful (especially if you randomly chat about EVERYTHING like moi) so I thought I'd share.

I wanted my search bar to appear on the side, so I added this code right below my <td> codes for the sidebar section (and again, I'm assuming that if you are playing around with HTML, you know where to put this for your own template). I didn't want a search button so I omitted that. I also wanted it centered so I used the <center> code. And thats it. Search results show relevant blog posts where my posts are normally coded to appear so I didn't have to do anything on that front. Hope it helps!

I was gonna post this on the last post, but that has gross content that I'm thinking most people will stop reading ASAP. So I thought let me do a new post.

1. I know I joke about my hypochondria, since I don't really have it. But this is one 'quirky' habit I need to seriously keep in check. You see some medical dramas making fun of this too (Scrubs) but this really can quickly develop into a very serious psychological disease (and has been linked with OCD behaviour) that makes every live hell as you spend fearing you're getting sick. Which is why, I will try and seriously stop myself from spending too long (at all?!) on this site - http://curezone.com [I was reading it earlier and now I'm freaking out about unseen germs].

2. I know I speak about my migraines a lot and believe me when I say its not as serious as the case for many people unfortunately. I still think that awareness for migraines isn't wide spread and a lot of people think its just a headache when its so much more. In fact if you look at some of the migraine medicines doctors prescribe, they are related to regulating brain signals / functions (such as anti-epileptics; migraines have been linked with epilepsy) so it really isn't something to dismiss. Anyway, when I was going through that rough patch, I started reading up (as I do) and this one blog has been an AMAZING (and entertaining!) source of resource lol. Its very informative, but not at all boring, and I think everyone NEEDS to go read it NOW! Whether you are suffering from migraines yourself, or know someone who does, or even want general awareness (which is def needed, let me tell you!), seriously just have a look at this blog, and I promise you, you won't regret it - http://www.migrainemonologues.com/

And thats it for now :D 

Edit: I was really worried about smelling weird, especially when I couldn't smell it myself so how could I protect myself?! I even went around making my family smell my 1-day old dress LOL. I decided to interrogate my mother about why she said I stank and she finally admitted that it wasn't a body-odour issue, just a individual scent issue. You know how we all have an individual scent, it can't really be detected in our person but if someone random comes into your personal space (home), they'll get that distinctive smell of you. Its not always bad smelling, just almost like a territory marking smell on the stuff you own / your area of residence, etc. Usually people who live with you don't detect it cos they're used to it - like when I go to visit my cousins and their rooms smell distinctively like them, not bad but not good/nice either & to them, they can't smell a thing. Anyhow, the detox just meant that this scent intensified and made it more noticeable to my mum. I'm hoping the intensity will die down in a bit while I detox & also that its not as noticeable outside my home, when the environment assaults / numbs whoever is within smelling distance of me.

I've started myself on a detox for a few weeks now. As you guys know (God knows I posted enough about em ha), I have a few random problems with migraines and other ailments such as dry skin, allergies, stomach aches, low energy, cyclic moods, etc. I have a horrible body & diet system, I don't eat healthy and I am super duper unfit. So I'm not surprised that I have all these issues.
During the whole anxiety / migraine issue when I was on a beta-blocker for a while (I've spoken about it numberous times, I'm not gonna link because there's too many links lol), I ended up feeling really frustrated that I'll have to deal with a possible chronic disease my whole life. Thankfully when I finally got off the meds, my cycle somehow broke and I wasn't getting the migraines all the time (Alhamdullilah) and could manage the occasional ones with some drugs / other remedies. However, I did start looking into prevention because my migraines are MUCH more easier to deal with in terms of prevention, rather than cure. Anyhow, I started trying to inhale regularly (I have sinusitis which gives me killer headaches sometimes, esp if I sleep for longer than 9.5 hours!), exercise, get more green, etc. And they did seem to help.
I also wanted to start detoxifying my body because I've done some detox fasts in the past and they left me feeling really good for a while (though sick and disgusting during the fasts) & looked at different things I could take to do this. Garlic for one is really good for this. However, its also super absorbent and smells disgusting! I mean, if you've ever cooked with garlic, you know its a bitch to get rid of and the smell can stay with your hands for WEEKS. And the amount of garlic you'd have to consume for effective detoxing would leave you smelling like a garlic. Not nice. I think some other things do this too, but I just really can't be bothered with healthy foods. Especially when I have exams to study for and essays to do. Changing doesn't do good things for me - my migraines get triggered from sudden diet changes, heck even changing pillows :O so .. no. Then I decided that for me, supplements were the way to go.
I decided to start up on a Vit-B Complex. This has the different kinds of Vit-Bs as well as some Vit-C thrown in and is supposed to help with energy. I can say that since starting this, I have most DEFINITELY noticed a change. Before this, I'd stay groggy and lethargic for ages but this has really cleared up my head.
I've also restarted on beta-carotene. This is converted to Vit-A in the body (which is good for quite a few things) without the danger of taking too much as the case with Vit-A supplements. It can also give you an orange / tanned glow which is an added bonus :D This is what gives fruits and vegetables that bright orange colour and you can get this from carrots (which according to Asian parents can make you SEE in the dark. I kid you not -___-)
Along with that, I've also started taking MSM, which along with the Vit-B, has been one of the best changes I've done for myself. It has VISIBLY started detoxifying me (its an antioxidant). I mean .. its really really good. But this is where we get to the crux of this post (see I am able to get to the point ... eventually). Detoxing too quickly can give you bad effects like nausea, headaches, etc. If your body is really toxic and you start flushing it out, the body goes on overdrive trying to clean everything up and make you feel sick. Its best to start SLOW because otherwise your liver can't process all the toxins at the same time.
[TMI/GROSS STUFF AHEAD. LOOK AWAY NOW]
Also, when you detox, it can have kind of disgusting effects. Like you can start popping out with acne (impurities of the skin), sweating up a storm, farting all over the place, etc, etc. For me, the acne has been minimal thankfully (since I've already been flushing out my skin), but man ... for someone who doesn't sweat a lot (except in the face when I'm stressed out. Its weird), this is like a new change. I mean, not only am I sweating, this stuff is making my sweat smell extra toxic. And since its cold and I've been layering up, this sweat is getting trapped and making me smell bad, apparently. I mean, I personally can't smell it but I went to hug my mum and she was like ew get away from me. Sheesh, talk about a virtual backhand. I have a sensitive sense of smell and so I'm always worried / paranoid about smelling weird so now I'm extra frustrated. Does this mean I have to shower twice a day instead of just at night?! Does this mean I have to wash my clothes more often?! Does this mean ... me and my clothes and sweat will smell disgusting and that I'll never get hugged again?!
I really hope the smell is from trapped sweat. Since I've never sweated a lot, I can wear the same t-shirt for a week before putting it to wash (I know, I'm sick and filthy) .. but whats the point if it doesn't smell?! Looks like I'll have to now. I'm also worried about smelling like my boy cousin's room. You know when you walk into a boy's room and it has this distinct boy smell (not nice). Ugh. I'm gonna start showering twice a day, using more anti-pers, and changing my clothes more often / wearing cotton stuff. Hopefully that will help.
You know another thing the MSM has done? [FEMALE TALK, LOOK AWAY NOW] It not only made me start my period earlier, it also gave me BLACK blood. I know, thats like totally gross but when I found out what was happening, I was kinda amazed. I mean we have periods for our body to get rid of that hacked up womb, but also for our bodies to be able to get rid of impurities. I mean thats the reason why our beginning / ending blood is darker / browner than peak-period red blood right? So when I first got it, I got excited that my body is getting rid of all these toxins! I know, I'm so weird.
But then ... it got rid of the toxins in another way. [THIS IS THE MOST DISGUSTING THING YOU WILL READ. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY I'M WRITING ABOUT IT BUT WHAT THE HECK. LOOK AWAY NOW IF YOU STILL WANNA MAINTAIN HOW / WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT ME] Okay, lets get straight to the point. I've been shitting a bit more than usual (this is a good thing, whenever I am drinking lots of green tea, it regulates my bowels, my body has multiple movements and I feel GREAT) but more that the movement frequency, I'm kind of worried about the actual movement itself. You see, like the period blood, the toxins have made my shit turn black! I'm not talking black like my hair black, but like black - dark dark tree bark black. Well, I guess thats fine because hey, whose looking at my shit & at least it means the MSM is working right? Well ... like the sweat, the detox is also making itself evident through smell. I mean, all shit smells .. but wow. Thats all I'm going to say.
Also, unrelated to the MSM but still to do with bodily fluids, the Vit-B is giving me bright bright neon/highlighter yellow / green pee LOL. I mean initially I freaked out but thats all the excess Vit-B your body doesn't need :P
Man, I really hope my potential future husband doesn't read this disgusting TMI filled post. But I'm hoping that by the time I get married, I'd have gotten rid of all the toxins in my body (seriously how much toxins do I have, sheesh) and so any MSM continuation from there on would just be regulatory and nothing quite as drastic.
Just wanted to share this because its helped my health .. but guess you could have too much of a good thing / negative side effects :P 

I never told you guys about Banker did I? I've got it lined up for my loser blog with loser girl feelings, so keep a look out if you wanna read loser posts. If I remember, which lets face it, is going downhill. My memory that is. I mean, I don't even remember how old I am nowadays! Like the other day, I spent a good chunk of my time reading some girl's rants about getting older (she was 25) and I was thinking hmm at least I don't have to worry about my skin for a while since I'm only 22. And then I remembered … I'm almost 24!!! Shit, thats old. Well, for me. It just feels really weird, especially since I feel 18 / 20. As if the last 4 years haven't even happened. Man.

Anyhow, I digress (as I do). It took me a long time to 'get over' Banker. Which was weird, because I never really liked him really. I was thinking about whats wrong with me now (as I do), compared to back when I was a feisty man-girl, flipping the finger at everyone (I didn't really do this. My hands are freakishly tiny and it just looks really ridic) and not giving a damn. And I think I get it .. maybe. I grew up, not interested in relationships / boys and so I've never really experienced rejection, so to speak. I was just never in that position for a guy to do that, consciously or otherwise.

When Banker rejected me (which wasn't even a real rejection, I thought he could be a good match as mum suggested but by the time she went to speak to his parents, he was already accounted for), I just felt really awkward and weird around him. Part of me would feel like he's thinking I'm a leftover loser while the other part of me would feel really competitive like I wanted to show him up / prove I'm better than him. Which was bad.

What made it harder I suppose, is the intense love affair I've got going on with myself. When you love and cherish yourself so much, it doesn't ever come into your thoughts that others wouldn't automatically recognise the amazing and love you too. LOL okay .. maybe not quite .. It wasn't like me to doubt my self-worth or spend so much time fussing over someone else and their thoughts / feelings. While I care about people (even though I'd rather not deal with their feelings and what not), I didn't really care about what they thought of me. It would never come into my head. THAT was normal for me. This internal questioning wasn't.

So when Banker 'rejected' me, I took a hit to my ego, even though it had nothing to do with me at all. Because I love myself so much, I spent a long time not being able to get that others might not like me in the same way. I started questioning the why - negatives about myself was one part of my thought process. The other was persistence, denial … that hey, if you aren't getting that I'm THIS awesome, obviously you aren't getting it & so I'll spend all my time trying to show you how wrong you are because I am awesome dammit!

Both thought patterns were the wrong move to do when trying to move on. Because both times, I made it about myself when it wasn't really about me. When I shot down engineer's proposal, it wasn't because of HIM but because of me. It was because I didn't find what I was looking for. That doesn't mean that there is something wrong with Engineer (on the contrary, he is stellar on paper). We just didn't fit.

All thats good to understand and analyse. But unfortunately when I go through it again, I do the same damn things all over. I again because the self-doubting fool I look back at and cringe. Is it because I'm a girl? Or is it because I'm a narcissistic smuck?

Because no matter how awesome and cool I think I am, I can't help thinking … but WHY doesn't he want me? Why isn't my awesome and cool what he's looking for?  And than it starts again. The obsessing over Accountant and hating myself for it.

My second rishta (I didn't really care about the third one) and already I'm such a mess. This is why I told my mum to leave me alone about all this shit (but not to actually stop looking .. just keeping me out of the loop) because if I can't stop taking everything personally, I'll be a shadow of my awesome egoistic self.

1. I've noticed that the frequency and length of my posts increase as I get closer and closer to deadlines and exams.

2. I am most productive and focused (relatively) right at the edge of the sword, in terms of timing, then I am the whole academic years during my undergraduate and post-graduate studies combined.

Both trends, very frustrating. And unlikely to change. Its not my fault! 

Yes, I am aware of the situation. I've been aware of the situation my whole life since the separatism, communal and familial politics highlighted in the media nowadays has been part and parcel of Bangladesh's landscape even before independence.

I have (and probably will continue to do so) refrained from talking about it since the issues are numerous, close to my heart, and have got me very very frustrated / angry / etc. All I will say about this is that I am a Muslim AND a Bengali (none of this Bengali first / Muslim or whatever .. maybe it shouldn't be that way, but it is. I don't feel like I have to pick one over the other, or that they compete with each other in MY understanding of this identity, one of many I feel is experienced by whatever-generation migrants / people of religion / etc). And that I am not in support of ANY of the extreme left/right/bullshit political groups trying to push their own agendas in the name of liberalism, secularism, religion, etc.

Will it change? I really don't know. Since it hasn't for the last however-many-years-since-independence. And despite being a huge support of the East-Asian Developmental Model, and heck, even Khan's positive theories about corruption, I really can't see the state (regardless of the party) as anything more than a nuisance in Bangladesh. Ideally I'd like a state of foreign authoritarian military (preferably from South Korea, but I think they've got their hands full with the North situation atm ..) AS WELL AS intervention and control by IFIs such as the World Bank. It would definitely be the lesser evil.

Oh and I also want all the political parties to just die. Either literally or figuratively by detaining them all in Guetamala or something.

See, this is EXACTLY why I didn't wanna say anything about this situation. And now that I've said this much, I'll refrain from further mention.

No, I'm not here to promote any BDSM / voyeur fetishes, rather I'm talking about Foucault's Discipline and Punishment and specifically his study of the power-relations involved in the gaze. Of course he goes into detail and I haven't looked into it much to elaborate but he talks about the power in gaze and how it can be used as a form of discipline as well as exerting dominance in power - relations. I haven't really thought about it or come across this concept before, I guess its normalised into the society without us even thinking about the deeper meanings of it?

Anyway, I found it really interesting and am looking forward to reading a translate of that and some other works of Foucault after I've got some free time after exams / dissertation. Maybe even in between writing my dissertation so it can refresh my mind and get it out of the econ-development coma I plan on putting myself in while doing my research!

While I'm not saying you should read Foucault with me (somehow this blog has turned all poncey academic in the last few posts .. sorry, this is what essays / exams do to me, I'll be back to normal soon, I promise!), you should definitely check out the conceptualisations of the gaze (wikipedia). Thinking about real life manifestations, I can definitely see it prevailing in gender relations, & emphasis on the gaze in Islam isn't surprising at all. In fact, looking at Western feminism interpretations of the gaze, its no wonder that many women find the veil empowering (take that femen [whose recent protests for freedom from male domination in defining our bodies is so oxymoronic and orientalist btw]). But even leaving that political-religious sphere of debate for another post (in another blog?), the power of the gaze even seeps down to the base predator/prey level of human biology - don't break eye contact and show that cat / dog / lion whose boss i.e maintain dominance. Foucault however, as I understand, studies it at a more in-depth level and I think can help us examine it in more subtle contexts of everyday life.

///

RE: Femen -

Sometimes you come across an article that seriously makes you question the credibility of a journal. I mean .. seriously?!

Case in point:

It is rather unfortunate that some of the less worthy intellectual and physical products of our society get so much visibility and (largely deserved) criticism abroad, whereas our contributions to science, to lengthening life expectancy, to improving through good products the quality of life of people worldwide are taken for granted. It is also unfortunate that freedoms (and tolerance and generosity) so much at the basis of our economic (and the world’s) prosperity and ability to innovate are so unappreciated and misunderstood.

Are you kidding? I question these contributions Ammendola stresses and doubt the US will ever let another nation take these 'contributions' for granted.

My friend loves Gramsci and uses him at every opportunity. I used to take the piss out of her because Gramsci for her brain is the equivalent of what Playboy Magazine is to a straight pubescent boy ahem.  I say used to because we were once in a seminar together and while I was engaged in tête-à-tête (random but also the title of a book about Beauvoir's love story?!) with possibly my favourite tutor, she poked me to death and made me see the hypocritical errors of my way. 

You see, me and my tutor are both self professed Changites and mention Chang and his many brilliant works to each other, literally without fail, every.single.seminar. And when I'm not gushing about Mr Ha-Joon to other fellow Changites (and there are plenty of us .. logically), I'm shoving him down the throats of anyone who makes the mistake of asking me about anything econo-developmental, urging them that they must must MUST read at least one Chang in their lifetime. 

Opps. Thats when I realised .. that what started off as an exciting affair has long blossomed into long term love and dedication. Guess I'm a fan girl too eh.

Seriously though, I love this man, Dr Ha-Joon Chang, so so much. I read his work and can literally hear my heart / brain go bing bing as all the lightbulbs start lighting up and make me go YES YES YES, thats the spot right there! And you know what, why shouldn't it be that way? Chang tells you the straight story without all the bullshit, exactly as it should be. Plus, he's Korean too //swoon. 

I've read many many many over the years .. but none do it for me like Chang <3 

And even if you don't have any economic / developmental bone in your body, I strongly suggest you read him and prepare to blow your mind. And if your mind isn't blown, its because you blow.

Changite for life <3 

PS - I've fantasised about going to his talks or something so many times, but I'm afraid he will disappoint me in person (this happened when I had Mushtaq Khan, someone I would say I had a wee crush on, though for obviously bias reasons and only over his work on corruption) and this is a risk I'm not willing to take. Its also the reason why I didn't go to see Chomsky when he came to give a talk at my uni (well, it was also heavily booked ha) and I don't even like him that much so .. yeah. I will however very much appreciate signed copies of any of his books :P 

PPS - speaking of which, even if you don't want to get into dense topics, read his new book, 23 Things They Don't Tell You About Capitalism .. its short, to the point, and being Chang, brilliant :D

PPPS - I almost forgot to link you to his site, here. I just went to read it and it gave me giggles. LOL omg I'm such a school girl. But this man, he's just brilliant <3

PPPPS - I know, down with the Ps. But last one, I promise. While you're checking out Chang, why not look at Rodrik too? He's cool, but obviously I love Chang more. 

PPPPPS - okay I lied, THIS will be the last PS, inshAllah. But I was just thinking about when I had to read an article criticising Chang and how annoyed and kind of upset / angry I got while reading it and got thinking about mum's earlier conversation / match making of my cousin (a statistician) with an economist .. and while I initially thought it would be cool to marry someone I can talk about these things with, I am most definitely a heterodox economist while most of the world isn't .. and if he doesn't agree with me / doesn't respect / love Chang, we're gonna have a problem lol. So yeah, no economists or doctors for me! I'm not inclined to engineers either. So kinda kills off the Brown Boy Pool. But meh, I'm going to marry a Korean revert and move to Korea anyway ;)

I was reading an article in the journal, Feminist Economics (I haven't delved into this journal before but I'm looking forward to checking it out) and came across this interesting tidbit I wasn't aware of before:

Lee’s (2012) study of international marriages between foreign-born women and Korean men illustrates the difficulties that some men in rural communities face in forming families, a phenomenon now also involving urban men. The problem has prompted the Korean government to encourage international marriages through subsidies and other policies that facilitate the immigration of foreign-born women (in Benería, Deere, & Kabeer, 2012: 8).

Remember Feminist Ryan Gosling?

I now present to you ... International Development Ryan Gosling! And since I've done my undergrad and am doing my postgrad on Development Studies, its even better because I understand everything he says (I was only aware of a few mainstream feminist theories on FemRG).

This is like revision and perversion packed into one :D

PS - I still like Hey Girl <3 

Game of Thrones, Facebook style. LOVE. 

I think many of us (myself included) are severely lacking in the knowledge of self and general self awareness. In who we are, what we want, what we feel, what we think, etc. But this knowledge is crucial for us to live the life we want and need to live. Otherwise we're left wasting time and resources trying to make things right when they weren't what we needed to fit into the puzzle to begin with, and this can lead to frustration, anger, disappointment and giving up.

I suffer from migraines (no, they aren't just a headache!), a chronic disease. Alhamdullilah it could, and has been, be much much worse. I've suffered from migraines since childhood (thanks mum) but they weren't weren't severe so I guess I didn't really pay attention to them. I'd take some pills, go stay in the dark for a day and it would be fine. However, my migraines got really bad last year and ... well lets not get into that. I was getting lots of random physical symptoms and because of my medical history (I was misdiagnosed as having epilepsy as a child and was put on anti-epileptics for a few years) the doctors did a heap of tests (my MRI was particularly scary) and so I spent the few months of my final year sort of freaking out.

After all these tests though, they found out that it was my migraines that were making me feel this way. Add my anxiety and all my symptoms suddenly started to make sense to me. I started reading up more into anxiety disorders, panic attacks, migraines, and their associated physical affects. I found some very useful resources from fellow sufferers and it really helped me be more aware of my issues, triggers and how to tackle them. Being a paranoid hypochondriac with spoonfuls of procrastination, I spent a lot of time doing research and reading about different treatment options, side effects (not very helpful ha), cases of different people, etc. But at the end of the day, all of this combined made me very aware of the problems I was facing and left me better equipped at dealing with them.

And now, a year later, with more knowledge and visits to the GP than the rest of my life combined, I felt confident in choosing something best for me. Sure I didn't have the medical training of my GP, but I sure as hell knew about me and my issues better than her. We worked together and found a solution that fit my puzzle.

Now you're thinking about why I'm yapping away about this to you (hopefully medically healthy). Its because all this taught me the importance of being aware of yourself in all aspects of life. In your religion, in your studies, in your thoughts and emotions, your friendships and relationships, everything. Be aware of yourself, accept your differences and mould the puzzles of your life yourself, instead of trying to find pieces to fit it. Will that make your life perfect? No, probably not. But it will make it a lot more easier to deal with things when you know yourself and know the best way for YOU to deal with it.

My migraines, my anxiety & episodes of derealization .. they are all part of me. I think about how all these different parts come together in an equation, the processes and the outcomes .. and to be aware of how they can work, its kind of pretty amazing and liberating. 

A little post explaining why I'm so crazy about being anonymous.

1. Asians are crazy. They we like gossiping and speculating like nobody's business. This is prevalent especially in the older self righteous generation. They like seeing speculative things, speculating and showing up parents and guardians and general families of the ones they speculate about. This can go to deep levels and cause chaotic repercussions because us Asians have a flair for drama. Nothing like this has happened to me Alhamdullilah but I've it it once, or twice where my profile picture was of me with a black friend and two of my aunts went running to my mum about it, one asked who it was (obviously trying to stir shit up and make my mum all suspicious that it was my man) while another helpfully decided to explain the dangers of letting her daughter loose (of course she would know best, despite having two sons and no daughter to raise ...). This was minor because my mum isn't crazy. But people still like talking smack and you kinda have to play by the rules.

2. I like being able to give me 100% opinion and thoughts out, which sometimes maybe controversial and/or hurtful to others (i.e bitching). Yeah I know thats haram too but meh I'd rather talk about an unknown person and how to annoy me to the random web who don't know me or the characters .. rather then having it known what I think, it going around people, going back to the person it concerns, them getting annoyed, etc. Lols the better thing to do would be to just stop bitching (working on it) but I like having options. I also like being able to be stupid, silly, etc. without people being able to judge me. I can usually only do this and be truly myself with a few select people, but sometimes you want to enjoy the silliness, have it out there for you to come back and enjoy later (see previous post). I can just be myself without holding back .. well ...

3. I once heard of this girl who was getting married but then few days before her wedding, her vindictive ex got a bunch of their old pictures, letters, etc. and went and showed it to the future husband and the guy and his family got totally mad and broke off the wedding. Yeah I guess an easy way out would be to just not get into relationship and avoid the haram (I'm anti anyway, for my own sanity) but I'm still worried that some guy I innocently spoke to can twist and manipulate that weird Asian ego and like try and damage my reputation. Alhamdullilah I try to avoid reputation damaging activities anyway but this itself has a different definition to different individuals so ..

Yeah ... idk why I decided to post the last post instead of just scrapping it all together. Idk, I guess I really really depend on my anonymity to be able to freely express my views without having to think that will A, B or C think and I guess I miss that. My blog has been compromised before in the past and some people on Twitter know my real identity so its like where can I get these random bursts of rantings and what not out?!

Soooo .. I've decided to vlog! Right, you're thinking thats REAL anonymous. But the thing is, .. well actually it has nothing to do with nothing, but I think I'm going to vlog about my day .. on particularly good days. I'm sure I mentioned before, but I've been recording private videos on Youtube for my friend on her year abroad, and theres just one particular video where I was really happy (and I look good too ha) that I keep watching and it always makes me really smile because it reminds me of that great day :D and I think it would be GREAT to capture those moments and then be able to go back and actually see how happy they made me.

The vlogs won't be published (haha, NO.) and will be kept private. I might use my super private account so it doesn't even accidentally leak or anything. And I'll use it for good happy times, so even if it does leak, it doesn't do a lot of damage. I think it will be a good initiative .. cos I love talking, esp. about good times & I love looking at myself so :P and over the years maybe it will be nice to be able to see what little things affect  me, etc. It will be good :D liberating! 

I started off this post, writing about three different topics & going back and erasing them. I know what I want to say. I know how I want to say it. But sometimes you just don't want to say it. Sometimes you want to keep it for yourself and don't want the world to know it. Sometimes you want to be selfish (... and paranoid?) and thats okay. 

Comes the good.

Sometimes bad things happen so that we can be steered to good. Sometimes bad things happen to save us from more bad things.

We don't know. We can't know. The only thing we can do is try to ride out the bad with faith that inshAllah all will be well.

Sometimes ... a lot of the times, thats easier said after the fact, than done. Especially when you're freaking out, hyperventilating, having trouble breaking and going through constant panic attacks during the bad thing(s).

And right at your breaking point, things flip. And you're left thinking, subhanAllah.