Ever since I've started to up my skincare routine and use SPF without fail, etc, etc. I've gotten WAY pale. And I hate it. I've always loved and fantasised about having a golden glow light brown colour .. I even slathered myself in baby oil once and sat outside in the sun (while covering my head cos I get migraines otherwise) and it just made me a bit red. I know, I read that and go holy shit what I was thinking with the cancer accelerator?! Anyhoo, since I can't stay in the sun / tan, I went on the fake route for ages. I was obsessed and I had the orange palms to prove it. Everyone knew about my obsession and took the piss out of it. Even after all that .. I never achieved the results I dreamed of.

I have two friends who inspired this obsession in me. One was a pale Indian boy who always got the nicest golden glow tan every holiday. I mean it was amazing. Most brownsians (I swear most of us are a weird off-white colour anyway so I don't know why we call ourselves brown) don't have nice tans. We just get a bit murky and it looks dull and dirty, not nice and glowy. I don't know if that makes sense and I wish I could share pictures of my friend while he's tanned cos you see it and you see a picture of like my dad or something and you can tell the difference between what I want and why its different (its glowing and shit!).

The one friend was this SUPER nice (I always smile when I see her without fail) mixed race girl. She was some complex mixes: part Japanese, part Pacific Islander (I'm thinking Fiji but I'm not sure) and other stuff (look its complex and I forget) with the most AMAZING skin I have seen ever. Its a beautiful brown, it glows (look, I know I've over used this but there is no other way to describe it) and its just ughhhh I WANT IT. I always ALWAYS say this to her and she's like we're the same colour and I'm like NO I'M NOT :'(

Part of the reason why I want it is because it looks so damn nice. I love it. Another part is the need for an even skintone. I wish I was ONE colour. Instead, my face is a weird shade of pale, paler and even more pale as you go inwards. Especially near my cheeks, where the inner parts are weird and pink. Then you go to my body, my feet are just murky and weird. I hate my feet (and generally all other feet). Then you go to my calfs and its a STRIKING pale colour. Because I think I only exposed them to sunlight like twice. Thats what I find strange, how they JUMP from one colour to another, instead of some nice progressive gradient shading. Then you've got my knees, which have a darker than anywhere in my body patch of rectangular/square on my knee caps. And since the rest of me is weirdly pale, they stand out even more. You come to my arms and its the same story as my legs. Except there is some gradient-shading going on there are it gets from darker to lighter from my hands upwards. But the most weirdest part is where my neck connects my head to my abdomen. My shoulders and chest are the same pale as my body. My neck is a block of dark. And then you get to my head and its .. well its a million shades of weird. I wish I was like my complex-mix friend whose the same nice shade everywhere. Well .. everywhere I've seen.

The final reason I wish I was darker? My skins some over-sensitive dry fool that gets marked real quick. And cos its so dry, it doesn't have the ability to heal scars and marks last forever. Like that time my cousin scratched my face when we were both one-digit old and I STILL have it. Or the time I had a hockey accident and my foot got banged up, STILL there. And what not. And because I'm so pale, the marks are SUPER noticeable. Especially on my face. Ugh.

I hate my life.