lil-bee: the randomizer

The Banker, the Engineer & the Accountant.
Thursday, April 11, 2013 | 10:27 pm | Comment ⇢

I never told you guys about Banker did I? I've got it lined up for my loser blog with loser girl feelings, so keep a look out if you wanna read loser posts. If I remember, which lets face it, is going downhill. My memory that is. I mean, I don't even remember how old I am nowadays! Like the other day, I spent a good chunk of my time reading some girl's rants about getting older (she was 25) and I was thinking hmm at least I don't have to worry about my skin for a while since I'm only 22. And then I remembered … I'm almost 24!!! Shit, thats old. Well, for me. It just feels really weird, especially since I feel 18 / 20. As if the last 4 years haven't even happened. Man.

Anyhow, I digress (as I do). It took me a long time to 'get over' Banker. Which was weird, because I never really liked him really. I was thinking about whats wrong with me now (as I do), compared to back when I was a feisty man-girl, flipping the finger at everyone (I didn't really do this. My hands are freakishly tiny and it just looks really ridic) and not giving a damn. And I think I get it .. maybe. I grew up, not interested in relationships / boys and so I've never really experienced rejection, so to speak. I was just never in that position for a guy to do that, consciously or otherwise.

When Banker rejected me (which wasn't even a real rejection, I thought he could be a good match as mum suggested but by the time she went to speak to his parents, he was already accounted for), I just felt really awkward and weird around him. Part of me would feel like he's thinking I'm a leftover loser while the other part of me would feel really competitive like I wanted to show him up / prove I'm better than him. Which was bad.

What made it harder I suppose, is the intense love affair I've got going on with myself. When you love and cherish yourself so much, it doesn't ever come into your thoughts that others wouldn't automatically recognise the amazing and love you too. LOL okay .. maybe not quite .. It wasn't like me to doubt my self-worth or spend so much time fussing over someone else and their thoughts / feelings. While I care about people (even though I'd rather not deal with their feelings and what not), I didn't really care about what they thought of me. It would never come into my head. THAT was normal for me. This internal questioning wasn't.

So when Banker 'rejected' me, I took a hit to my ego, even though it had nothing to do with me at all. Because I love myself so much, I spent a long time not being able to get that others might not like me in the same way. I started questioning the why - negatives about myself was one part of my thought process. The other was persistence, denial … that hey, if you aren't getting that I'm THIS awesome, obviously you aren't getting it & so I'll spend all my time trying to show you how wrong you are because I am awesome dammit!

Both thought patterns were the wrong move to do when trying to move on. Because both times, I made it about myself when it wasn't really about me. When I shot down engineer's proposal, it wasn't because of HIM but because of me. It was because I didn't find what I was looking for. That doesn't mean that there is something wrong with Engineer (on the contrary, he is stellar on paper). We just didn't fit.

All thats good to understand and analyse. But unfortunately when I go through it again, I do the same damn things all over. I again because the self-doubting fool I look back at and cringe. Is it because I'm a girl? Or is it because I'm a narcissistic smuck?

Because no matter how awesome and cool I think I am, I can't help thinking … but WHY doesn't he want me? Why isn't my awesome and cool what he's looking for?  And than it starts again. The obsessing over Accountant and hating myself for it.

My second rishta (I didn't really care about the third one) and already I'm such a mess. This is why I told my mum to leave me alone about all this shit (but not to actually stop looking .. just keeping me out of the loop) because if I can't stop taking everything personally, I'll be a shadow of my awesome egoistic self.

Post a Comment

old | new