Okay,

I've had this GFC panic post pop up in legions and legions of blogs for the last few months since Google announced they were retiring Google Reader. Guys, GFC and Reader are TWO different things. Seriously, jam your hype. They aren't shutting it down (yet) so stop getting your panties in a bunch. GFC is connected with Blogger, which automatically shows up on Reader. That does not mean No Reader ≠ No GFC because that would only happen if Blogger shut down.

Its like when everyone went crazy when Google shut down Feedburner's API and they started to predict it was a step away from full closure. Feedburner is still up. Thats not to say these things won't eventually shut down, or be replaced by G+, etc. But if that happens, a company like Google won't just do it overnight (I hope) and we'll get plenty of warning.

Seriously. Stop freaking out all over my feed. 

I mentioned this before, but I get super over-ambitious when doing dissertation reading and keep on adding ideas and sections which I realistically will have no space and/or time to include in my dissertation. But I just can't help myself .. I just really am shit at summarising and cutting things off because EVERYTHING has a meaning. I just don't get how someone can make a decision about what is and what isn't important because EVERYTHING IS! Gosh, I feel like thats really arrogant and amateur to just decide hey I'm not going to do this because it isn't important enough. I suppose all academics have a certain level of arrogance though .. maybe thats needed even. I mean of course you need to give importance to one over another otherwise all your work would be .. basic? I don't know man, maybe I'm just too passionate about everything (fickle?). Maybe I'm projecting that picking one over another automatically means you place more importance and disregard other factors when in reality you're just pursuing certain avenues while being aware that you cannot look at other factors but making note of their importance.

Anyway, the other day I sat up, a bit frustrated, trying to get some data for my variables. While I haven't got as much variation and specifics as I had hoped for, in the end I got some things so its a start. I just need to be able to write up two draft sections in the next 10 days and show my supervisor ... I'm not really worried about 1 of the sections (its just theory work and getting the right theories in) but am concerned about the data / specifics section.

Plus, noting down every darn idea and avenue isn't helping .. but I feel like I could utilise them (and maybe want to) for my PhD thesis, which being 100'000 words, will have the space needed to cover all the different parts of the whole. 

So I've been denying it for as long as I've had people tell me I'm an only child so I must be spoiled ... but now that I've had time to examine myself, I think maybe they are right :O

But how do you know really? If you really are a spoilt brat or just self-assured and very specific about what you want, need and expect?

Either way, I blame my parents and their contraception using ways / high infant mortality genes!

You've heard me go on and on about them so I thought I'd share a picture :)



These are all my sexy primes (as of now) -> 200mm, 135mm, 40mm, 28mm :) I love them all!

PS - thats one of my copyrights on the bottom right. Designed it myself :D its so original right? :D I hope no one steals it!!! 

So you know how I got all emo and stupid over Mr A? Okay not going to lie, mashAllah he's the NICEST PERSON EVER & like the whole world loves him & I would love to be married to him because he just makes me want to be nice and love the world ... buuuut, Idk, maybe it just isn't meant to be. Like sometimes I feel like I'm not good enough for him, like as a person haha. And not even putting myself down (okay I am, but only slightly) but sometimes I'm like man, what if I'm too superficial for him (I love my face & I ain't afraid to deny it), or too crazy, or a bit mean (cos you know, I've got those streaks) ... and then I think, well I'm pretty nice to the people I like, but the few I don't, I'm REALLY not nice to .. so maybe we'll just clash? I don't know man, whatever happens init.

Anyway so yeah, remember how I was being all stupid (and totally unlike normal me, I promise!)? I really don't know why I was getting so weird about it :/ I think because he's super nice and everyone loves him & goes on about him to me (leave me alone everyone! HE SAID NO TO ME so please shut up about him) and I get hype with them and kind of forget about reality and blah. Well anyhow, I've recently been getting into work and other things and kind of didn't have time to think about him & I also haven't really chatted to the chick who is ON IT to get us matched together. All of this combined kind of helped me get my brain back from the mess it was in earlier. Oh, and I met someone.

LOL. I swear last week (or whenever long away it was that I was acting like an actual tit) I was declaring my love for him and promising to stay single forever, waiting for his love. LOLZOMG. I'm such a drama queen. And an uber tit. Present-me is cringing so badly at recent-past me, I'm actually worried for future-me's wrinkles :O anyway, seriously how stupid.

Anyway so I randomly met Mr Beardo when I went to a cousin's place, whose place I NEVER go to, but randomly decided to agree to go to (basically what I'm trying to convey is, that its FATE babes). And then I saw him and was all like wow, you wouldn't look too bad as a handbag replacement in my arms mmmhmmm. He's all bearded and manly (Mr A is cute and geeky, but not very manly aka I would have to keep my natural emasculating side in check) and his mum wears hijab (well so does Mr A's mum, but its more like an Asian dupatta hijab vs. full on hijab) and he's like the oldest child, so he can like nourish me and shit (Mr A is the youngest child and might fight me for attention; #OnlyChildProblems). PLUS, I'm lil-bee and he's Mr-B. C'moooooon, signs?!

Lols, I kid. I'm not so excited over Mr-B, as much as I'm happy and relieved that my former fickle, love-myself-first person is back (almost) .. because I was really scared I lost her for a bit there. And if I can get over the 'love-of-my-life' Mr A, then I'm ready for the challenges ahead, tackling Mr B-Z.

Alhamdullilah. Whatever happens right? :)

Allow Canada though. Ugh.

Muchos lurve,

Fellow-Moose-Scoffers! 

Man, I feel so tired ALL THE TIME. A while ago I got a blood test done (and cried throughout it) and it showed that I had lower levels of iron. Anyway I've been taking lots of Vit B (energy), CoEnzyme Q10 (more energy and to offset the beta-blockers I sometimes take) and other stuff, but I always feel so tired.

I don't know if its because I'm OLD, or because I'm lazy. Maybe a bit of both. I REALLY need to start exercising, because it keeps me calm and gives me stamina. But I'm too lazy to start LOL. Vicious cycle of laze. 

So I finally managed to upload all the photographs from the past few days :D phew! Other than that, I've been cleaning mum's room, meeting up people, having feminist arguments on twitter [yeah I'm on a feminist-economics rage currently 8-)], meeting some friends, going to inspirational, passionate & emotional lectures [well just the one, after the previous ones in May, for Professor Standing's inaugural lecture where he spoke about the precariat class], etc.

I also started work on my dissertation! I've currently got it divided up into 6 sections I REALLY hope I can read up on, get data & manage to fit them all in within 10'000 words. I know some of you are rolling your eyes at me being one of those people moaning about going over words, and I used to be you till I realised I'm one of those people! Except I don't moan, well I do, internally, and get a bit too attached to my work and cutting my works really hurts LOL. I honestly think these assignments are too short, given the question and scope of analysis and research they expect us to do!

For one of my assignments I was really stressing about, I ended up with 8'000 words for a 3'000 word essay :O cutting those words was torture, because everything seemed important! And whats worse, I got a few marks off a First because the tutor was annoyed I didn't develop my ideas more in-depth & I'm like DUDE, these are just too many aspects to look at & not enough words. Ugh. Anyway.

So yeah, I've been sorting out the plan and proposal BRIEFLY and already its eaten up around 1000-2000 words -_____- I suspect my dissertation will easily end up being 20'000 words and then I'll get all angst-y trying to cut it down to 10. And the more I read, the more I want to include, even though I know I don't have the time or space to look at them all.

I'm still going to keep them around though! I think this will be a good topic to expand on for a PhD thesis, rather than do one of the many other topics I've been getting hype over and jotting down!

Life of an academic is calling out to me LOL. Except I don't think I'll make a good teacher because I don't really like people / tolerate them in the long run & also because I don't like people disagreeing with my view haha. But I don't want them to blindly accept them either, but be passionate and agree with me because they know and believe in what I believe in to be true 8-)

ANYHOO. Parents are back, safe and sound Alhamdullilah. I will forever hate* my parents for not procreating and giving me more siblings so I wasn't so codependent on them *SIGH*. Then again, I'm really competitive so I think if my older sister was still alive, we'd be getting into some epic fights haha. I always wanted a brother though, so that would have been cool (any girlfriends he'd have would never be good enough though).

What else? OH marriage. Ugh, all the sexism and double standards in Asian societies has really been pissing me off and putting me off. My idiotic behaviour regarding Mr A is also pissing me off (yes, I'm slowly coming back, but I'm not overly confident & know I'll probably go all gaga if I'm around him). I'll elaborate at some point maybe, what sexist factors are annoying me, but for right now I'm just angry at being made to feel less worthy than an equal man just because I have a vagina. And also at all the proposals coming my way from Canada. Seriously, I love Canada but I'll NEVER.LIVE.THERE (okay of course if Allah SWT wills it and it is for the best, no arguments / what He wants will happen). I personally don't wanna go there.

Why? Because its SO EASY living in London as a Muslim. SO EASY. We have halal food in abundance (shut up, this is a important factor to me .. which reminds me, I haven't touched my weight loss goal yet LOL), mosques pretty much everywhere, easy blending in with other hijabis and muslimahs, etc, etc. And this is a generalisation, but I've felt and experienced a stronger spiritual and practical Muslim identity here than in Canada. And I want to raise my future kids (inshAllah) in this environment. Of course there are good Muslims in Canada, but its damn hard. Its just easier to be Muslim in this country from my time spent in both places. And yes, if Allah wills, He can guide and strengthen the imaan of anyone, anywhere. And my kids could go astray in this place (Allah forbid) but the least I could do is give them a good chance of minimal distractions and temptations right? Also, 88% of the guys from Canada all do dodgy stuff on the side, like drink, etc. I don't want to take that risk. Yes, Muslims in the UK do dodgy things too, but like I said, I felt like the Islamic Identity is stronger and easier here ... so I just really don't want to go there.

And because society is sexist, me as a girl, is expected to prance my way to Canada, forgoing my family, friends, and work, while a guy in this position would LAUGH at the mere thought of reallocation. So yeah, fuck Canada.

YAY feminism. Or maybe its individualism. I don't know, because I'm not feeling very generous towards the sexism reproducing, bigger-than-some-guys-sexist Asian Aunties .. so yeah.

Thats what I've been doing / done!  

Man, one of those stupid things that make me laugh uncontrollably:

Spoke to mum earlier, asking if she had gone to the pharmacy to get my medicine. She says she still hasn't. Then I suddenly got angry & spoke to her offish. And then I told her bye & hung up. And then I got all sad & teary .. though I don't know if they were from anger or guilt/sadness. Maybe I'm pissed at her for pissing off to Bangladesh. Maybe I'm just being a hormonal mess.

Can you imagine me while I'm pregnant?! LOL. Good luck to my husband boy ... if that ever happens.

Ugh. Maybe I really should look into speaking with someone :S

This week in lil-bee's bipolar life is dominated by happiness .. or contentment or whatever.


- So I've almost uploaded all photographs (friendwise, I still have family photographs to do but its half the battle!) so thats done!

- I cleaned my room properly.

- I saw some more people I needed to see, with pending plans for others.

- I bought some more lenses (yeah this wasn't part of the list ...).

- I've uploaded quite a few Islamic books onto my Kindle, including Sahih Bukhari & Sahih Muslim & have read a few chapters at home / during my commutes.

- I checked out a few sample dissertations, spoke to my supervisor & have sorted out a layout and dissertation plan :)

- Went out and ate SALAD.

- Exercised (once but hey its a start).


And made a mission. It wasn't part of the list (and I might totally regret it) but I'm going to go after The Accountant. I mean his no wasn't a flat out no (maybe because it wasn't a flat out proposal haha) so no harm trying to be persistent right? His best friends little sister (who is an almost best friend to me) is going to help me with inside scoop and I will change myself LOL. I know thats like so totally lame but he's a nice man & I'm willing to change my dirty ways for him because he makes me want to be a better person :$

I can't believe I said that last bit out loud. Ah well.

Here's to progress!

Also, I've had horrible migraines these past few days :( and now I've got another one coming up & I feel really tired (I blame it on the heavy Korean lunch) so I'm going to call it quits, make my way home and maybe sort out my eyebrows on the way (cos man they are HUGE). Also, I might possibly be seeing my cousin/friend and confronting a cray-cray. Wish me luck!

Finally, speaking of cray-crays and douchebags, remember that techie I was totally crushing on? Well of course he didn't speak to me after his initial creepiness but I thought nevermind, let me just speak to him because I really wanted to ask him some industry questions! So I tried to ask him again & he was just being such an arse. Completely put me off him. Its quite sad when the people you look up to totally disappoint you :( and you're like all those hours spent admiring you was a waste of time you jackass. Pfft.

Ass.

LOVE YOU GUYS :)

Just to balance all this shit out. I might not have the man, but I'll have my dwarfs! EXCITEMENT ->

My parents left me and went to Bangladesh :( and now I'm going through all that the #OnlyChildSyndrome entails & wallowing in my self-pity, feeling lonely and a bit sad, facing dissertation breakdown & feeling abandonment from my best friend whose leaving London & insecurity about the one thats just come back .. because maybe I'm just not good enough.

//basically emo-wreck so I plan to ride it out alone and away from eyes who've seen my awesome cool side. This is just a stupid phase. I hope. . . . . 

Everyone keeps trying to set us up, they tell me how wonderful we'd be together. They look at me, expectantly ... as if any of this is in my hands. All I know is that you couldn't see what I could see, what everyone else sees & there's nothing I can do ..

Am I crazy for 'falling' for you?
Am I lame for praying that you change your mind?
Am I a fool for hoping you'll open your eyes?
Am I in denial for refusing to accept your casual dismissal and believing that its not me, but the duty you feel towards your older brother & wanting him to get married first?
Am I going against everything I ever believed in for wanting to change myself so you'll change your no?

Yes probably, to all of that. But for you, I'm willing to be all of those things. Because it really fucking stings when everyone keeps banging on about you to me & there's nothing I can do about it. 

Okay, so I went and got two more pieces of old (but sexy metal) glass (glass is what photogs call lenses. Cos we're cool like that). And possibly another on the way. I'm BAAAAD.

I'm a leftie and I go through these bouts of creativity. I've glass painted, sang, written, taken photographs, etc, etc.

I have too many hobbies that I become obsessed with and later give up.

I want to learn how to code this summer.

My dream job would be with Google or IBM.

I need to be my dissertation but feel overwhelmed every time I think about it and so avoid thinking about it like I do with most things in life. This will lead to disaster.

Life is seriously seriously too short. I mean, I have around 10'000 books that I want to read. That will take YEARS to do.

Take into account all the other things I want to do, like hone my photog skills, take more photos of more places, learn Spanish and do that summer school thing in Peru with the ECLAC (birth place of Structuralism!!!), etc,etc,etc.

Ugh. I'm in a weird mood. 

Edit: So I cleaned my room :D it only took like 3-4 days haha (look this is an amazing progress compared to my usual 2 weeks!). I really want to paint my room, I'm so annoyed at myself for not listening to me >.< the paint took ages but because of the finishing used, it looks so .. ugh. Not perfect. Also, the other day I kind of banged open my door so the mirror shattered .. and then I touched it LIGHTLY and somehow a huge piece of glass (okay it was tiny) pricked into my finger and I bled crazy (well ..) everywhere :O it happened so quickly, it was literally like a magnet pulled the piece of glass into my finger. Stupid.

In the end, I wiped my boards, vacuumed each section literally 6 times, in between manual hand brushing the carpet, moving stuff around, polishing furniture, etc. But now it looks, smells and feels great :) I even lay down on my sun-roof whatever hipster area & took pictures of the stars :D maybe I'll share my pictures at some point!

Speaking of which, I sorted out some more photographs .. so I'm done with around a 1'000 .. and literally around 8'000 left -___- but ITS A START!

In terms of spirituality, well my womb finally quit so I could pray again. At some point I freaked out about some evidence being accepted by the exam board, cried a lot (seriously my heart feels amazing after a cry session on the prayer mat, Alhamdullilah) & then the next day got good news :D subhanAllah so that always helps remind me how useless I am and the many many countless things I have to be thankful for :)

Anger is less .. but not completely gone. I used to do yoga and got quite a few videos so I suppose I should start it up. I'm thinking of visiting my school's counselling system (ITS FREEEEE) .. but last person I spoke to, I wasn't really comfortable with (and you need to be comfortable with your therapist) so we'll see.

My parents are going to Bangladesh tomorrow :'( so I've been emotionally blackmailing them, saying stuff like oh you're leaving me again, etc, etc. Hey, they really should have procreated but instead stopped at me, the one child mental wonder :/

One of my best friends is moving to China again (permanently) next week while another one who was in Jordan this past year came back this week. I haven't spoken or seen either of them. It sucks being an only child and NEVER having that sibling link you lucky bums out there have. *sad*

I watched some commie movie (and okay, I'm a Marxist in theory and a slightly capitalist semi-bourgeoisie in reality) and got all emo. I also need / want to read Foucault.

My brain amuses and taxes me.

I'm in a rambling mood so I'll stop.

____


No, not annoyed haha. I was reading Justin Halpern's I Suck At Girls ... which is fricking hilarious (I swear his dad hahaha) and so its gotten my mind off this useless week and half.

And on the spur of a moment, I cleaned my room again! The random clutter has been sorted from the floor / table / dresser / mag-rack, etc. And I finished sorting out my dressing table and beauty cupboard. I moved stuff so mum can take it to Bangladesh as back up for when / if I go there on holiday, I don't have to bring a gazillion things & used the increased space to shift things from my dresser, which is looking more minimal and clean :D Of course all this rearrangement was accompanied by cleaning and dusting and wiping so that corner of the room is done :D I also sorted out my pin board which is looking less congested and more visible .. so I can look at ticket stubs and start day dreaming!

Now the only things I have left are (dust & wipe) my study table (this is the main task left), my magazine rack & mini book shelve & a little corner I have to star gaze / smoke / read books, etc (well .. that was the plan but I never use it!).

After that of course will be carpet brushing, vacuuming & perhaps steaming. I like to do things completely and in style 8-) I'm also thinking of repainting my room, same colours but different finish because this finish is stupid, like I knew and told my know-it-all aunt it was going to be. I mean its all washed out and shit! Ugh.

One major thing I need to do, which I'll probably postpone till post-dissertation, is to sort out and sell off my gazillion books (well I'll keep a few). I've checked Abe Books and also Amazon's return program. A lot of them haven't been read (I mass buy books & now have them on my Kindle so whats the point) or touched at all .. so maybe I'll be able to get a better price at this second hand book shop near King's really boring Waterloo campus? I don't know .. anyone got any tips?

Then of course I'll still have the rest of my list to go through .. but its something eh. Its a start! 

So ya'll know I've been wanting to buy new glass for my DSLR for ages. But I kept going holy-moly too expensive and postponing it. But then I got some more money, realized I was spending crazy amounts on skin-care, make-up, other tech, etc. which okay individually don't seem like a lot but together, kind of is. And then I thought man, I need to stop being an idiot and buy what I want and not what I 'need' and so I allowed the stockpiling during sales, saved up, read up (seriously, even 'small' purchases, I spend a long time looking up information, reviews and the best prices, before I go buy) & finally decided to buy my first ever piece of glass (kit lens don't count). In the process, I learned a lot and ended up buying two more .. though they were used so its okay :)

I have family and friends who buy expensive lens, take the same photographs that have been taken by everyone in the world, and think they have skills. I hate these people. Duh its my jealousy speaking, but also my annoyance. I'm competitive and I work my butt off (okay not really but I'll get there) to get good shots and when people are like wow yeah thats good but look at this shot A/B/C took and I'm like no shit Sherlock, my lens cost me $20, I hacked them myself & worked for this shot. A/B/C bought a $2000 macro with daddy's money, took two seconds to take this shot (which totally lacks creativity and my blood/sweat/tears) & think they've got skills. Man, shut up -___- Give a great photographer a point and shoot, and they'll take pictures on epic levels. I'm not saying I'm a great photographer .. but idiots with toys, running around like kings .. it really pisses me off.
Its a art, its a skill. Its someone you should be dedicated to and have the drive to learn more about. Yet these idiots turn the dial to auto and use the damn things like point&shoots. Ugh. I mean, yeah we start somewhere ... but at least bother to read it up. Basics are really not hard to learn. And when someone nice (me) tells you how to improve your shots, listen you damn meathead arrogant boy. I hate boys with toys looking down on girls. UGHHHHH.

Anyway what the hell. I need to get out of my rut. This was supposed to be a happy post and I spent half of it ranting and shit. I just wanted to share my sexist (I think) piece of glass so far ... a used (but mint condition) lens, East German made sometime in the 1960s to 1990s (I'm not good in history), full metal body, 6 isis blades & an aperture ring I can play around with to see them move and groove :') he's an absolute tank, a true beauty & I love him:

I have some issues I need to deal with. I've been wanted to see someone to help me deal with them. But I don't know if there really are issues, or if I'm just being a hypochondriac, creating problems to seek attention. Because these issues might not be issues at all, and just part of the normal parcel & package that everyone 'suffers' from. I don't know ... maybe I'm going through Jung's self-realization at a later stage than everyone and coming into terms with my psyche is psyching me out :O and the last time I had to speak to someone, it made me feel really uncomfortable (because I'm a perfectionist and a narcissist and speaking out about problems hurts my ego and makes me feel inferior and that my therapist is judging me :/) .. maybe I just need to try out different therapists. Or maybe I just need to man up. Because what if talking about stuff makes them more real and cause more problems?! Plus .. I don't want to pay for therapy (I'm such an Asian / Economist). Ugh. I don't know man. I've been having a emo week and a half (I blame SMC [stupid masochist cow aka my womb]) so maybe I just need to jam with a tub of ice cream and chill out. Or  maybe I should do a Naipaul and write: The Enigma of Lil-Bee. And re-read it a gazillion times like I've done watching my vlogs.

My cousin calls me Freud's Wet Dream.

I really hate authors sometimes. Because when they aren't being amazing, they have a streak of power-hungry asshole-ness where they go fuck you I'm the boss to their fans & do whatever the hell they like to the characters owned not only by them, but by the hearts of all the readers who grew a firm place for them in their hearts. I fully believe that most authors do this to fuck with us. And we're left there, feeling stripped and raw & thinking .. how could you?!

Mostly applies to postmodern / realist bullshit writers who end things without endings or if they do, they aren't happy. I like immersing myself in fiction & I except a guilty pleasure at the end of it, not feelings of rawness and hurt over the realistic course of life. But I'm used to their BS now. When I read them, I do it with a certain amount of distance and disconnect .. or try to anyway (seriously, like Murakami, he's so good that even when I KNOW what he's like & keep trying to be prepared for it, he gets me every time).

But there are certain writers I don't expect this stabbing from. Such as fantasy writers. There is a certain wow with that genre you know? A dream like state .. then how can you go & ruin that dream?

I'm not stupidly optimistic & naive. Tragedy builds character I know. I mean, I even get annoyed when its all happy-happy with no substance. But there has to be a line c'mon. When Tolkien kills, he does it tastefully, where you feel like he himself felt pain at the passing of Boromir & Gandalf*. And he never crosses the line & brings Gandalf back & everything is relatively happy. Its a BALANCE.

And then you've got R.R. Martin, being a sadistic bastard & ... I can't even put it to words what he has done. I have all the books and I feel like burning them after what happened in tonight's episode (I've decided to hold off the reading to watch the series). The most biggest WHAT THE FUCK moment from Game of Thrones. I am shocked, speechless, pissed off & upset!!!

And when I say pissed off, I mean PISSED OFF. To the extent where I want to abandon it all together. I get angry and I get upset .. and this manipulative bastard is the reason for all this negativity.

I feel utterly betrayed & torn.

//hell.