A brilliant podcast on making efficient use of Ramadan to increase the love for Allah through spiritual I'tikaf. Listen to it here.

Alhamdullilah I've been listening to some great lecture podcasts from Sacred Learning & Bayyinah Institute helping me get closer to achieving a perfect Ramadan. Hopefully it will increase :) 

I previously posted about its mobile app versions because, but Feedly is a pretty amazing and close alternative for Google Reader. Find the online version here. 

I do this thing where I start craving ALL sorts of things during Ramadan. I'm making a list so that I can chicken-out (because pig is haraaaaaaam) on it afterwards.

1. Dosa (which I am FOREVER craving).
2. REAL Falooda from Southall. Because I had some from when I was forced to go to Tooting and it was crap and fake. Tasted NOTHING like a real Falooda should.
3. Chole Bature. Because I was watching Vicky Donor and the guy kept eating plates of it off the street :(

^I will add to it as I go.

Where was I?

Well last time we spoke, I was going through severe ups and downs. Like mentally severe. I think I have PMDD (along with so many other unconfirmed things .. the only confirmed thing I have is hypochondria!) .. so I'm hoping the crazy ups & downs are only linked with that and not anything else.

I feel like I need/want therapy. Except I'm kind of a private person (LOL!!!) .. or I don't know .. like, the last time I tried it, I wasn't really comfortable. Plus .. I don't know what I want to achieve (confirmation that I have issues and don't just THINK I have issues?) so I don't know if I should do it (because what are my reasons really? And if it won't help .. whats the point?). Plus, its crazy expensive. I need to find a trainee student who needs real-life practice & is willing to do it for free. I don't care about them not being confidential or whatever lol, because I'm not really ashamed of my crazy.

I think everyone needs more learning of mental disorders. More common in today's society unfortunately.


Hmmmm. Anyhoo. So I met with my supervisor and kind of rambled about my outline and dissertation plan. Because I haven't done ANYTHING. C'mon yaar .. its Ramadan! Anyhoo so she was all like your outline makes no sense (I thought it totally did) so I'm kind of slightly in panic mode? Except .. well .. I thought it made pretty much a lot of sense. Anyway, I've got a bunch of reading I need to go through and hopefully once I've read and made notes and written up those chapters, it will make more sense? I also hope I can use this professor (who is awesome but also lazy .. like ME haha) to look through my drafts when I'm done because I am a bit worried about the end product. I think I'm going to stop being so lazy and start reading the theories at least, because they'll shape the kind of data I'd want to collect. This frustration is also totally making me re-think my PhD plan. Cos a PhD is 100(000words) times worse than a Masters dissertation.

Also, RAMADAN man. Its my third 18 and half hour fast today, after 1st Ramadan (because I thought my results were coming out so I fasted on the 8th and then when they didn't I thought let me fast on the 9th too .. cos why not?!). Its not been bad or hard Alhamdullilah. But not very charged spiritually (I've just been lazing around like a fat cat). I've listened to a few lectures (did you know, according to a sahih and sound hadith from Tirmidhi, reciting Surah Ikhlaas 200 times a day will get 50 years of sins forgiven inshAllah .. though of course I'm assuming one needs to truly understand the depth of this powerful Surah considered a third of the Quran!) and felt connected in the moment but not the whole day. I've charged and uploaded them onto my iPod though so hopefully more listening while dozing on a chair!

My face is a mess. I've increased the strength of my Retin-A cream so I'm purging (and I know it will totally be worth it) but at the moment its so yuck :/ I mean wth, I shouldn't even be caring about such stupid dunya things right now right? Except no matter how much I try to retreat, I'm finding it hard to be in that retreated state constantly :(

There is this girl. We have a very tricky relationship. Or I have a very tricky and emotionally intense relationship with her. Its not healthy, but I don't know how to get to a healthy stage. Darn, I sound like a lesbian in a complicated relationship. This girl I was bitching to about guys was all like yeah dudes are dicks, you know what you need! And I was like hahaha, I'm a non-sexual lesbian with a few people and trust me, despite genders, human relations are just ... work.

I really miss horses & horse-riding :( I love horses. In fact, they are the only animals I'm not wary of. Like, I don't like any other living creature & could only have horses (certain breeds at least) as constant companions. And hopefully some humans. In the future. Hopefully. Seriously though, horses are AMAZING and intelligent creatures. Just too awesome.

My first fast was pretty last minute so I had a mango and a toast with one sausage for suhoor and that fast went so easily Alhamdullilah. The next day, I had a heavy iftaar (I didn't want to but man, my eyes are greedy) and also accidentally a heavy-ish suhoor and the fast the next day was just not as easy. Like I woke up feeling kinda sick and hungry. Today's fast and iftaar was okay (though I still ate wayyy too much) .. but I'm hoping to kind of keep it down for tonight inshAllah. I don't know, it doesn't really make sense but when I eat little for suhoor and iftar, my fast goes easier?

Kudos to the people working during this fast. The last few years, Ramadan fell during holidays and I haven't had to leave the house. Except I went out once and zomg it has hard. So MashAllah to all ya'll.

Anyway, I really hope inshAllah, I'll stop being a laze and do work, both academic and spiritual, and get a productive Ramadan. InshAllah hope the same for all of you :)

Oh, the other day I realised that despite being 24 (yes, really :'O) I'm just a child. Maybe its because I'm an only, I don't know .. but it sure is the truth. Like, I don't know nothing about life man. How am I suppose to make a decision about MARRIAGE when I haven't even really been in a relationship? Its cray-cray. Like totally cray-cray. I told my mum this but because I was crying like an idiot (PMDD people), she thought I was like sad about leaving her or something (yes that too) .. but I had this conversation with her again so hopefully she understands I'm being sane about it. She tells me to speak to people again and I told her to go away. Because really, what would be the point of speaking to people when I don't even know shiz. I mean I feel like I'll be a CHILD all my life .. but ya'know, realistically I'm JUST really not ready for this crap. I think because I'm 24 (eek) and everyone expects this from me, and my friends are all on the same boat, I kind of forgot about me and went with the flow and got all crazy. But from a logical point of view, its really not for me at the moment. So I am taking a break inshAllah :) and also hanging out with my cool dude-brained-girl-friends who won't make me feel like I'm a bit weird for not wanting this really.

Ah also, I am .. paranoid. Insightful. Whatever. Like, from a young age, I just get gut feelings about people and situations & I go with them. Because I've almost ALWAYS been right. And so there are situations where I know what I should be doing as a concerned friend or whatever, but I end up not doing it and being selfish (even though I don't think I want to) because I just have this gut feeling and I really don't like going against myself. Except .. even if you feel like you are right & don't want to get played .. is it really that bad to be played? Like, if a person is doing something for attention, should you just forget about the games and give them that attention anyway, as a friend? If this is something they need? Regardless of how they are getting it? I mean, I almost feel bad that they have to go through it like that to get it (I mean I should have been giving it to them from the beginning right?). And I feel worse about having these gut feelings (but I totally believe in my gut). I don't know what to do, help?

I'm sorry I'm selfish, on purpose & intentionally. I don't know, its just how I am. But I'm sorry I can't be emotionally available for you.

I really don't know how I have friends. I am super crap (time / attention wise). 

I've ALWAYS wanted to clone myself. Always always always. I still do. It would be amazing!

I suppose it started with me being an only child and always wanting friends. I even had an amazing 'imaginary' (she was real to me) friend I'd take everywhere and speak to all the time. I don't remember her much except that once when we came to London on holiday (we didn't live here back then, maybe America or Bangladesh!), she came with me (obviously) and we were having a bath in my uncle's big tub and there were these star shaped bath bubble things, one red and one purple and I remember putting one in while holding it (because them suddenly disappearing and turning into bubbles was fascinating) to see what would happen, before conducting a similar experiment by putting one in my mouth LOL. It was not as nice and tasty as it looked, suffice to say :D anyway I also remember taking her shopping with me and playing with her all the time at home (alone). I'd play this game (with her and my other friends AKA toys) called Birthday Birthday (I think its an Asian thing to repeat the same word twice and make it a game .. like Doctor Doctor or Teacher Teacher, etc.) where I'd light a candle and pretend its my birthday and blow it out after making a wish LOL. Man that makes me sound so lame, but I had a lot of fun you know. I suppose as an only, I didn't know any better so didn't really feel like I was missing out. Anyway, my IF, called Meena (I think she was inspired by those UNICEF cartoons where she had a brother called Raju and a parrot called Mithu), was always there every step of the way & I'd always speak to her in Hindi haha. My uncles (who, along with the rest of my family, totally eavesdropped on our conversations) still tease me about her to this day ... apparently a famous dialogue amongst us was: "Meena tu kaha hai reh Meena" ahahaha :')

When I got a bit older and couldn't speak to Meena anymore, thats when I really started missing out on having a partner in crime & wanted a clone / twin or a little brother. I kind of grew up like a boy (idk why, but I'm still a guy now) so I never enjoyed the girls, who totally keyed in to my lack of interest & general boyishness and would bitch out at me about it to next intense levels, and the guys would sometimes be at a weird stage of ewww a girl, or girls are stupid, or (and this one was the worst) think I was less and would try to beat me in whatever game / not really think I was worthy to join, etc. So yeah, totally had to chill with the oldies and it wasn't really fun & so I had plenty of time imagining a clone of myself, popping up and saving the day.

As other Onlys would attest to, we're incredibly extroverted AND introverted (according to the situation at hand, though I suppose despite being both, we'd have preferences / natually lean in a certain way) and I love people so as I got opportunities to branch outside of my family, I made lots of different friends. But I think (and maybe this is just me), there's always this yearning for something deeper. No matter how good of friends I was with people, even the best of friends, I'd always feel this lack. I guess I'd put a lot of effort into certain people as a way to subconsciously have that sibling relationship I'll never get to experience (sad) but obviously thats a void that can never be filled. And its something that gets me quite upset.

Maybe I'm just a bit insecure (a bit HAH) and needy, and because I've never had that sibling connection (but spent my whole life trying to artificially create it), I do end up having random moments of feeling lonely and a bit depressed (a bit HAH) and weepy. And unappreciated. I always feel like they aren't giving me the level of care I expect (and dish out) .. but now I'm starting to think maybe I'm expecting the wrong things (this whole subconscious sibling connection is a recent self-discovery/examination) from the wrong people. Maybe this is how all friendships are and I'm just expecting too much?

All I know is that I'm feeling unloved by people I am drawn to (my surrogate siblings) and it really really sucks. I don't know why I would automatically make myself so vulnerable to this one person / feel such a pull to her but I do and while its mostly great and reciprocal, sometimes she just doesn't get to the same level as me and that really hurts :(

I mean what the hell, I was even going to marry her brother just so we could be real sisters LOL. I have issues. But like I said, maybe I'm expecting too much. Problem is, I don't know how not to. And it sucks even more that I have these abandonment / friend thief issues (I've had this issue a few times in the past. Yes its as petty and stupid as it sounds but its really happened. And I know I'm not just freaking out even it in my head because random outsiders who didn't even know about the situation noticed it too) and can't help feeling like I'm losing to said friend (surrogate sibling) thief because it feels like she manages to get more attention / care, etc.

Basically, I KNOW my friend cares for me, like a lot. It just sometimes doesn't feel like that. And I know thats so stupid and needy but thats how I'm feeling right now (and have done a few times in the past and probably will do in the future). And I think this new (well its been going on for a few years) thievery situation is putting me even more on edge. Plus, period. Gah, womb.