lil-bee: the randomizer

Clone (aka the accidental emo post)
Monday, July 01, 2013 | 1:39 am | Comment ⇢
I've ALWAYS wanted to clone myself. Always always always. I still do. It would be amazing!

I suppose it started with me being an only child and always wanting friends. I even had an amazing 'imaginary' (she was real to me) friend I'd take everywhere and speak to all the time. I don't remember her much except that once when we came to London on holiday (we didn't live here back then, maybe America or Bangladesh!), she came with me (obviously) and we were having a bath in my uncle's big tub and there were these star shaped bath bubble things, one red and one purple and I remember putting one in while holding it (because them suddenly disappearing and turning into bubbles was fascinating) to see what would happen, before conducting a similar experiment by putting one in my mouth LOL. It was not as nice and tasty as it looked, suffice to say :D anyway I also remember taking her shopping with me and playing with her all the time at home (alone). I'd play this game (with her and my other friends AKA toys) called Birthday Birthday (I think its an Asian thing to repeat the same word twice and make it a game .. like Doctor Doctor or Teacher Teacher, etc.) where I'd light a candle and pretend its my birthday and blow it out after making a wish LOL. Man that makes me sound so lame, but I had a lot of fun you know. I suppose as an only, I didn't know any better so didn't really feel like I was missing out. Anyway, my IF, called Meena (I think she was inspired by those UNICEF cartoons where she had a brother called Raju and a parrot called Mithu), was always there every step of the way & I'd always speak to her in Hindi haha. My uncles (who, along with the rest of my family, totally eavesdropped on our conversations) still tease me about her to this day ... apparently a famous dialogue amongst us was: "Meena tu kaha hai reh Meena" ahahaha :')

When I got a bit older and couldn't speak to Meena anymore, thats when I really started missing out on having a partner in crime & wanted a clone / twin or a little brother. I kind of grew up like a boy (idk why, but I'm still a guy now) so I never enjoyed the girls, who totally keyed in to my lack of interest & general boyishness and would bitch out at me about it to next intense levels, and the guys would sometimes be at a weird stage of ewww a girl, or girls are stupid, or (and this one was the worst) think I was less and would try to beat me in whatever game / not really think I was worthy to join, etc. So yeah, totally had to chill with the oldies and it wasn't really fun & so I had plenty of time imagining a clone of myself, popping up and saving the day.

As other Onlys would attest to, we're incredibly extroverted AND introverted (according to the situation at hand, though I suppose despite being both, we'd have preferences / natually lean in a certain way) and I love people so as I got opportunities to branch outside of my family, I made lots of different friends. But I think (and maybe this is just me), there's always this yearning for something deeper. No matter how good of friends I was with people, even the best of friends, I'd always feel this lack. I guess I'd put a lot of effort into certain people as a way to subconsciously have that sibling relationship I'll never get to experience (sad) but obviously thats a void that can never be filled. And its something that gets me quite upset.

Maybe I'm just a bit insecure (a bit HAH) and needy, and because I've never had that sibling connection (but spent my whole life trying to artificially create it), I do end up having random moments of feeling lonely and a bit depressed (a bit HAH) and weepy. And unappreciated. I always feel like they aren't giving me the level of care I expect (and dish out) .. but now I'm starting to think maybe I'm expecting the wrong things (this whole subconscious sibling connection is a recent self-discovery/examination) from the wrong people. Maybe this is how all friendships are and I'm just expecting too much?

All I know is that I'm feeling unloved by people I am drawn to (my surrogate siblings) and it really really sucks. I don't know why I would automatically make myself so vulnerable to this one person / feel such a pull to her but I do and while its mostly great and reciprocal, sometimes she just doesn't get to the same level as me and that really hurts :(

I mean what the hell, I was even going to marry her brother just so we could be real sisters LOL. I have issues. But like I said, maybe I'm expecting too much. Problem is, I don't know how not to. And it sucks even more that I have these abandonment / friend thief issues (I've had this issue a few times in the past. Yes its as petty and stupid as it sounds but its really happened. And I know I'm not just freaking out even it in my head because random outsiders who didn't even know about the situation noticed it too) and can't help feeling like I'm losing to said friend (surrogate sibling) thief because it feels like she manages to get more attention / care, etc.

Basically, I KNOW my friend cares for me, like a lot. It just sometimes doesn't feel like that. And I know thats so stupid and needy but thats how I'm feeling right now (and have done a few times in the past and probably will do in the future). And I think this new (well its been going on for a few years) thievery situation is putting me even more on edge. Plus, period. Gah, womb. 

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