lil-bee: the randomizer

On things ..
Thursday, July 11, 2013 | 1:33 am | Comment ⇢
Where was I?

Well last time we spoke, I was going through severe ups and downs. Like mentally severe. I think I have PMDD (along with so many other unconfirmed things .. the only confirmed thing I have is hypochondria!) .. so I'm hoping the crazy ups & downs are only linked with that and not anything else.

I feel like I need/want therapy. Except I'm kind of a private person (LOL!!!) .. or I don't know .. like, the last time I tried it, I wasn't really comfortable. Plus .. I don't know what I want to achieve (confirmation that I have issues and don't just THINK I have issues?) so I don't know if I should do it (because what are my reasons really? And if it won't help .. whats the point?). Plus, its crazy expensive. I need to find a trainee student who needs real-life practice & is willing to do it for free. I don't care about them not being confidential or whatever lol, because I'm not really ashamed of my crazy.

I think everyone needs more learning of mental disorders. More common in today's society unfortunately.

Hmmmm. Anyhoo. So I met with my supervisor and kind of rambled about my outline and dissertation plan. Because I haven't done ANYTHING. C'mon yaar .. its Ramadan! Anyhoo so she was all like your outline makes no sense (I thought it totally did) so I'm kind of slightly in panic mode? Except .. well .. I thought it made pretty much a lot of sense. Anyway, I've got a bunch of reading I need to go through and hopefully once I've read and made notes and written up those chapters, it will make more sense? I also hope I can use this professor (who is awesome but also lazy .. like ME haha) to look through my drafts when I'm done because I am a bit worried about the end product. I think I'm going to stop being so lazy and start reading the theories at least, because they'll shape the kind of data I'd want to collect. This frustration is also totally making me re-think my PhD plan. Cos a PhD is 100(000words) times worse than a Masters dissertation.

Also, RAMADAN man. Its my third 18 and half hour fast today, after 1st Ramadan (because I thought my results were coming out so I fasted on the 8th and then when they didn't I thought let me fast on the 9th too .. cos why not?!). Its not been bad or hard Alhamdullilah. But not very charged spiritually (I've just been lazing around like a fat cat). I've listened to a few lectures (did you know, according to a sahih and sound hadith from Tirmidhi, reciting Surah Ikhlaas 200 times a day will get 50 years of sins forgiven inshAllah .. though of course I'm assuming one needs to truly understand the depth of this powerful Surah considered a third of the Quran!) and felt connected in the moment but not the whole day. I've charged and uploaded them onto my iPod though so hopefully more listening while dozing on a chair!

My face is a mess. I've increased the strength of my Retin-A cream so I'm purging (and I know it will totally be worth it) but at the moment its so yuck :/ I mean wth, I shouldn't even be caring about such stupid dunya things right now right? Except no matter how much I try to retreat, I'm finding it hard to be in that retreated state constantly :(

There is this girl. We have a very tricky relationship. Or I have a very tricky and emotionally intense relationship with her. Its not healthy, but I don't know how to get to a healthy stage. Darn, I sound like a lesbian in a complicated relationship. This girl I was bitching to about guys was all like yeah dudes are dicks, you know what you need! And I was like hahaha, I'm a non-sexual lesbian with a few people and trust me, despite genders, human relations are just ... work.

I really miss horses & horse-riding :( I love horses. In fact, they are the only animals I'm not wary of. Like, I don't like any other living creature & could only have horses (certain breeds at least) as constant companions. And hopefully some humans. In the future. Hopefully. Seriously though, horses are AMAZING and intelligent creatures. Just too awesome.

My first fast was pretty last minute so I had a mango and a toast with one sausage for suhoor and that fast went so easily Alhamdullilah. The next day, I had a heavy iftaar (I didn't want to but man, my eyes are greedy) and also accidentally a heavy-ish suhoor and the fast the next day was just not as easy. Like I woke up feeling kinda sick and hungry. Today's fast and iftaar was okay (though I still ate wayyy too much) .. but I'm hoping to kind of keep it down for tonight inshAllah. I don't know, it doesn't really make sense but when I eat little for suhoor and iftar, my fast goes easier?

Kudos to the people working during this fast. The last few years, Ramadan fell during holidays and I haven't had to leave the house. Except I went out once and zomg it has hard. So MashAllah to all ya'll.

Anyway, I really hope inshAllah, I'll stop being a laze and do work, both academic and spiritual, and get a productive Ramadan. InshAllah hope the same for all of you :)

Oh, the other day I realised that despite being 24 (yes, really :'O) I'm just a child. Maybe its because I'm an only, I don't know .. but it sure is the truth. Like, I don't know nothing about life man. How am I suppose to make a decision about MARRIAGE when I haven't even really been in a relationship? Its cray-cray. Like totally cray-cray. I told my mum this but because I was crying like an idiot (PMDD people), she thought I was like sad about leaving her or something (yes that too) .. but I had this conversation with her again so hopefully she understands I'm being sane about it. She tells me to speak to people again and I told her to go away. Because really, what would be the point of speaking to people when I don't even know shiz. I mean I feel like I'll be a CHILD all my life .. but ya'know, realistically I'm JUST really not ready for this crap. I think because I'm 24 (eek) and everyone expects this from me, and my friends are all on the same boat, I kind of forgot about me and went with the flow and got all crazy. But from a logical point of view, its really not for me at the moment. So I am taking a break inshAllah :) and also hanging out with my cool dude-brained-girl-friends who won't make me feel like I'm a bit weird for not wanting this really.

Ah also, I am .. paranoid. Insightful. Whatever. Like, from a young age, I just get gut feelings about people and situations & I go with them. Because I've almost ALWAYS been right. And so there are situations where I know what I should be doing as a concerned friend or whatever, but I end up not doing it and being selfish (even though I don't think I want to) because I just have this gut feeling and I really don't like going against myself. Except .. even if you feel like you are right & don't want to get played .. is it really that bad to be played? Like, if a person is doing something for attention, should you just forget about the games and give them that attention anyway, as a friend? If this is something they need? Regardless of how they are getting it? I mean, I almost feel bad that they have to go through it like that to get it (I mean I should have been giving it to them from the beginning right?). And I feel worse about having these gut feelings (but I totally believe in my gut). I don't know what to do, help?

I'm sorry I'm selfish, on purpose & intentionally. I don't know, its just how I am. But I'm sorry I can't be emotionally available for you.

I really don't know how I have friends. I am super crap (time / attention wise). 

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