lil-bee: the randomizer

Am I a drug junkie?
Thursday, March 14, 2013 | 10:19 pm | Comment ⇢
I went to see a learning advisor the other day for help with my lack of attention / focus / motivation. I really feel that I have a problem with ADD or something and hoped she could confirm it / pass me on to the qualified psychologist and get me some help (aka drugs i.e ritalin .. or whatever).

First 5 minutes or so was spent with her asking me if I was mixed race, before shaking her head in disbelief and saying no way was I a full Bengali (cos I'm light? :S), am I sure I'm not part Arab or white or Chinese or something, etc, etc and do I get it a lot, etc. As entertaining as it was initially, I just wanted her to move on to the assessment / screening .. but this was to my disappointment. After asking me a bunch of questions, the answers to which I knew I could give a certain way to ensure I got the ADD label (I didn't though), she said I was just a typical student, thought I might have some attention issues but I should work harder.

I left her office feeling really .. lost. I know every student gets lazy / procrastinates, etc. but I feel like its SO MUCH WORSE for me. Like I KNOW what I need to do. I know I can do it (I've proven myself countless times in the past) .. I just don't do it. And it keeps me up at night and makes me cry because I know what the result of not doing the work is .. and I know its just not fair on my parents, or on me. I cry because I know all this, but I just don't / can't do anything about it?

I've always had this issue but Alhamdullilah I have the brains so it didn't really affect me A LOT. I'd get -As / +Bs, etc and my mum would get annoyed because she knew I got it because I didn't work hard. But that was back in school and college. Now at university, I can't just coast my way through my degree .. well it worked till my second year .. but then it got real tough and I just couldn't cope with all the pressure. I don't find the material hard, I just find it impossible to sit down and do the work. I felt like the advisor took that as a bias against me because its like she was insinuating that if I had a learning difficulty, I wouldn't be so good in learning?

Like I said, I felt really lost. I felt like the system almost failed me, because I know that no matter how hard I try, I just don't focus and work. And now, because I couldn't get help in the official way, I feel like I need to go in another route and buy the drugs off a dealer because I just can't cope with it on my own :( 

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