lil-bee: the randomizer

Sleeping with Death
Tuesday, December 04, 2012 | 9:29 pm | Comment ⇢
A while back I found a mole near my armpit and totally freaked out thinking it was cancer. It was in an awkward position, wasn't too small, had a weird border, wasn't asymmetrical and was a weird colour .. basically it wasn't easily passing the ABCD of cancer moles.

Now a little fact about me .. though I'm slightly a hyperchondiac, I hate going to the doctors. I just dislike doctors in general (hi Nas) and try to stay away. Anyway, when I first discovered it, I totally freaked out and was convinced it was skin cancer to an extent that I was okay to go to the doctors on my own (my mum wasn't in the country) .. and seeing as I HATE going to the doctors, you know it was serious.

Anyway this is what happened: I initially freaked out, then I thought about facing my Lord and going to my grave and freaked out even more. Then I realised how short time is and began upping my imaan game and trying to be a better person. And then finally I thought, Alhamdullilah I went through this, hopefully its not too late to change, Allah does everything for a reason and inshAllah I will be fine either way.

Alhamdullilah, I finally got it checked (I wasn't able to get an appointment for ages) and the doctor said its nothing to be worried about. But the thought of dying really hit it home ... like we as Muslims KNOW we can die at anytime, we KNOW we need to face our Lord .. but its not till something like this happens that you truly understand the severity of it.

Life is short. Truly really short. Sometimes I wish I die early, so there is less time for me to sin and more of a chance to be blessed with Jannah inshAllah. Or die during the last day of Ramadan, or during Hajj. Man that would be AMAZING.

I've started listening to Islamic lectures on my iPod, and I think we actively need to surround ourselves with our deen because its very very easy to forget and slip back into the dunya. Like even me, going through what I went through, sometimes forget how precious time, every single second is.

Like, inshAllah Allah is all Merciful and if we repent, inshAllah He will forgive us .. but what about people? Hurting others, regardless of whether they are Muslim or not, is a major issue we will be questioned about on the Day of Judgement. Every penny owed, every soul hurt, even for a second, even without intending to .. they matter.

I was listening to this amazing talk and the guy was saying how he went through his life, listing everyone and how he had wronged them and going back and apologising, years later. And how for the people he couldn't find, he gave charity in their name and asked Allah for forgiveness. Because its a very serious deal, and sorting through this in this life will make the Day so much more easier .. to an extent of course.

Thinking back, I feel like it would be so much more easier being a social recluse and just avoiding contact with people because its really easy to cause hurt. The same guy was also saying how Allah swt extends His mercy to those who are merciful to others inshAllah .. and we have a lot of learn and practice.

Don't hurt people. No matter how 'bad' they've been to you, no matter how much they 'deserve' it ... be the bigger person. Its easier said then done .. but hopefully I can keep reminding myself of physically being in my grave and change life before death gets to me.

On that note, I know its insincere and I should do this person to person (I will for those whose contact details I have available soon inshAllah), but if I've ever hurt you in any way, please please please forgive me. I know sometimes I get annoyed, at a tweet or something, and I know I am horrible at replying back to emails .. and okay it might seem like no big deal, even that one second of hurt can come back to haunt me .. so yeah. I honestly am sorry for everything and I hope you can find it in your hearts to forget the hurt, if I've caused you any (regardless of whether I was aware of it or not).

And always remember, death is over us, all the time, every time. Five times a day, the Angel of Death asks Allah if our souls need to be taken. Our souls go back where they came from every night and it is through the mercy of Allah that we are allowed back .. so lets try and make use of it for the true end goal of life. 

On Wednesday, December 05, 2012, Blogger Nas wrote:

⇢ Hello you!

It's so humbling, and scary, and inspiring, and change provoking when you have such moments. Truth be told, every time you close your eyes to blink, it's not guaranteed that you'll open them again. Ever. But Alhamdulilah.

Glad to know you're okay though!

I did the whole go back and say sorry thing once. It's quite liberating, but it has negatives too.

And I can only speak for myself in the next bit, everyone's experience with you will be different / personal. But I can surely say I haven't an iota of a complaint against you. You've been good to me, and I can only pray the best for you. (Don't worry about the email! You're busy, it's understandable). Me on the other, now I have many reasons to say sorry! But this isn't the place to do so.

Beautiful last paragrah!

Stay smiling Bee! :)

On Wednesday, December 05, 2012, Blogger lil-bee wrote:

⇢ Exactly! Like we literally could die at any moment. We should say Alhamdullilah every morning we get to see the sunrise, and I'm trying to get into an habit you know. Because we have SO much to be thankful for, and not nearly enough time to gain enough good deeds to be even fractionally close to repaying Allah's Blessings. But life .. it really blinds you and pulls you back to the dunya *shakes fist at self*.

I've done the forgive me thing before .. and though I did feel bad inside for the things I've done and said, it always felt a bit insincere .. you know, the typical its-Ramadan-please-forgive me message .. I'm going to try and do it face to face inshAllah. That WILL be a struggle for me .. since you know, I'm a emo-rock and all .. but I think I need to get it done, properly and then stop hurting these people. Man its tough being human and having a free will :/

And Nas, you are super nice mashAllah, and thank you for not holding it against me :) but even something 'silly' like not replying back .. from personal experience, depending on where a person is in their emotional moment in time, its these 'silly' things (I keep quoting because everything is relative, it might not seem like a big deal but for some people it is) that really sting you know? And sometimes we can't help it .. but it is important to be aware of us and our impact on the people around us, go back and make amends :)

And that mail .. inshAllah inshAllah, I will send you a huuuuuge essay :) it will be random (well ....) but long :)

Seriously though, sorry! Keep smiling back, and thank you for the comment :)

On Wednesday, December 05, 2012, Blogger Nas wrote:

⇢ PS
I noticed a small typo in the post above. You've written: "I think we need to actively surround ourselves with out deen.." I think the out was meant to be our?


On Wednesday, December 05, 2012, Blogger lil-bee wrote:

⇢ Yeah opps lol fixed :)

On Friday, December 21, 2012, Blogger The Linoleum Surfer wrote:

⇢ If you were to email me, I would reply nicely. Just saying. Y'know.

And you're right. I had a scare a couple of years back that, although it involved two separate doctors and one (female) radiologist handling my nuts, turned out to be nothing at all. Al7amdulillah! But it does make you think, doesn't it? Yes, how do other people see me, but also, if I die tomorrow, what can I say I've done for others with my life?

On Wednesday, January 02, 2013, Blogger lil-bee wrote:

⇢ TLS, check your inbox (I will write to you ... eventually .. so just keep checking LOL) :P

Sounds like you had a good time with the doctor though haha .. sorry, sorry .. but I'm just mentally defected and you did use the word nuts .. now if you were to use a medical term, like scrotum, I would be more serious INIT?

Sorry anyhow .. yeah, Alhamdullilah it was nothing bad, but also (well for me anyway) the scare itself was a blessing itself. Also, thats a possible dilemma because doing things for others usually mean interaction which increases the number of being able to hurt people (.. wait hang on .. never mind, I've been doing too much probability).

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