lil-bee: the randomizer

The beginning of the end?
Wednesday, December 19, 2007 | 12:06 am | Comment ⇢
Why do we incessantly procrastinate? Maybe it is one of those many human traits that have an unquestioned existence in our lives, traits we deny and disapprove of but often do nothing about. Like having double standards or being hypocritical, is there anyone who isn’t a hypocrite? Probably not but it doesn’t matter.

I can’t explain my need to elaborate everything, the sort of perfectionist approach I have towards some things in life. But it can certainly help me in explaining why I deleted my posts yet again. I’ve just finished reading ‘The Moth Diaries’ again and it’s so ‘readable’ as the reviews so simply put it. Something about when you read the book, it makes you want to be intellectual and start reading Nietzsche and Keats. Not to show the world how interesting you are but just for yourself, sort of like an obsessive compulsion to make yourself truly believe that you are in fact a thinker and not just a sponge soaking up everyone else’s opinions and ideas. But it sort of makes me feel pretentious and fake and you all know how much I hate that.

I was reading how alike I and a certain someone are and how we have similar personalities but stubborn views that conflict each other. That is why we can’t be friends. When I read her I feel like it’s all just a shout for attention and it portrays her as a pathetic little teenage to me. I don’t want that image to be insinuated against me, ever.

I deleted my posts because they were petty, immature, meaningless…not beautiful. I read Klein and the words flow without obstacles. I want to be able to write like I used to, gracefully, imaginatively, descriptively, using beautiful and meaningful words. My vocabulary should have grown with my age but it seems to have developed an inverse relationship; decreasing as I grow older.

The new year is time for some new and permanent changes. The night my parents left for Hajj, I was up thinking about things and particularly the things I have said and wished and done and I wasn’t very happy or proud so I have decided to go through some changes and really stick to them this time. Hopefully I will be starting university next September and I hope to implicate my resolutions thoroughly into my life and make them part of me like breathing. I haven’t fabricated a solid list yet but I will be sure to post it when I have.

I feel drowsy as well as sick so before I leave I just wanted to jot down one last thing. I have decided to get married to a pure Comillian Bengali like myself. I even know a good looking Brit-Comillian boy who goes to QMUL and I think I may have fallen for him sort of. Will elaborate later.

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