So I got into an intellectual conversation with my uncle from Bangladesh and to be honest it was quite stimulating. I feel bad for swearing at him and calling him a pervert because he prays and he is genuinely a nice person, well seems so anyway. The problem with me is that I can forever keep a grudge against people, I have a good memory but only of the bad memories. I still remember the time I was around 7 and my cousin got a new bike, I was really excited as it had a passenger seat which I assumed I would occupy, for the first ride anyway. What happened was my cousin got talked into letting our second cousin and his sister on the bike and I was left standing alone in the sitting room while they wheezed around. At this moment that incident seems entirely insignificant but as a child I experienced betrayal, hurt and most indubitably anger. And I still remember that incident and all the incidents that transpired during my life. They have made me who I am, arguably sensitive and easily offended, but still a part of me. One time when we went to visit back home, my uncle told us that his computer wasn’t working. We asked him what was wrong but all he said was it just didn’t work. The suspicious know it all children that we were; we or more specifically I got all detective-like and put some plugs into place. I was about 14 or 15 but it really irritated me that my uncle perceived us as ignorant and naive idiots who were gullible enough to fall for his lies; the computer was perfectly well and operating with ease and he had merely unplugged the machine to stop us from using it. So I guess my obsessive mannerisms could be blamed on that but I read between the lines of everything and anything .. anyway I just wanted to explain my somewhat distorted interpretations. I believe initially I wanted to refer this post back to the fore mentioned uncle but I guess its too late now, I've long since lost that trail of thought.
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I am extremely infuriated with the British government. I don’t think anyone is capable of being as ludicrously injudicious as our ex prime minister, Mr Blair. Out of his many imprudence actions have been knighting Salman Rushdie for no apparent reason. Surely he can not claim that Rushdie has been honoured for his prominent writing because I believe that millions of others are much better than him at the field. JK Rowling would be an obvious choice. No it most certainly is not because of how well Rushdie writes but more of what he wrote about. It’s the freedom of speech argument again, how far is going too far? Rushdie DID in fact go too far with his discriminating, hurtful and quite frankly ‘bullshit’ book regarding Islam. The phrase “he is more full of shit than the sewers of India” come to mind when someone mentions Rushdie. He is supposed to be a Muslim himself; his book is a pathetic shout for attention and publicity. If that is the category on which is knighthood has been based on than surely people like Jodie Marsh should be honored as well?

I don’t understand what goes under the freedom of speech right. Its quite ambiguous and vague. The Queen knighting Rushdie is just proof of the anti Islam state that Britain can be at times. They have all these anti discriminating laws such as anti racism and equal rights for all but they contradict themselves by the knighthood. Just because his attacks were based on Islam, he has been honored? Its like honoring Hitler. I dare you to go out and even just mention being pro Nazi or make something up about the Church of England and you certainly won’t be knighted. We live in a fucked up society where everything is bullshit. I don’t care if people see me as an over sensitive Muslim, it was hurtful and I am against it and you know what? Stuff you because you would feel the same if someone attacked your religion or race. My take on freedom of speech? Can you spell R.E.T.A.R.D.E.D?
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Why do we incessantly procrastinate? Maybe it is one of those many human traits that have an unquestioned existence in our lives, traits we deny and disapprove of but often do nothing about. Like having double standards or being hypocritical, is there anyone who isn’t a hypocrite? Probably not but it doesn’t matter.

I can’t explain my need to elaborate everything, the sort of perfectionist approach I have towards some things in life. But it can certainly help me in explaining why I deleted my posts yet again. I’ve just finished reading ‘The Moth Diaries’ again and it’s so ‘readable’ as the reviews so simply put it. Something about when you read the book, it makes you want to be intellectual and start reading Nietzsche and Keats. Not to show the world how interesting you are but just for yourself, sort of like an obsessive compulsion to make yourself truly believe that you are in fact a thinker and not just a sponge soaking up everyone else’s opinions and ideas. But it sort of makes me feel pretentious and fake and you all know how much I hate that.

I was reading how alike I and a certain someone are and how we have similar personalities but stubborn views that conflict each other. That is why we can’t be friends. When I read her I feel like it’s all just a shout for attention and it portrays her as a pathetic little teenage to me. I don’t want that image to be insinuated against me, ever.

I deleted my posts because they were petty, immature, meaningless…not beautiful. I read Klein and the words flow without obstacles. I want to be able to write like I used to, gracefully, imaginatively, descriptively, using beautiful and meaningful words. My vocabulary should have grown with my age but it seems to have developed an inverse relationship; decreasing as I grow older.

The new year is time for some new and permanent changes. The night my parents left for Hajj, I was up thinking about things and particularly the things I have said and wished and done and I wasn’t very happy or proud so I have decided to go through some changes and really stick to them this time. Hopefully I will be starting university next September and I hope to implicate my resolutions thoroughly into my life and make them part of me like breathing. I haven’t fabricated a solid list yet but I will be sure to post it when I have.

I feel drowsy as well as sick so before I leave I just wanted to jot down one last thing. I have decided to get married to a pure Comillian Bengali like myself. I even know a good looking Brit-Comillian boy who goes to QMUL and I think I may have fallen for him sort of. Will elaborate later.
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